Seasonal reviews

Well, people. Time has come for TCO to take a one week hiatus and fuck off snowboarding. So, with one last blog post, the 100th of the year as well, it's time to summarize what we've learned over the past twelve months.

We started off in February, with Britney Spears' suicide watch which TCO estimated would have made for some great television.

In March, Carolina Gynning made her first appearance as a result of her show "In the head of Carolina Gynning" which essentially was made up of one hour long episodes featuring nothing but static noise and a blank screen.

April featured one of the biggest jokes in recent history - Linda Rosing - and yet another failure of hers, trying not to be a complete pain in everyone's ass. It lasted for all of five minutes.

In May, the official birthday month of TCO's brother, we learned that "OGC" didn't stand for the Office of Government Commerce, but rather One Giant Cock-up.

Then June and July came along and just like any other newsyear, not much happened. TCO was mainly found riding a sportsbike somewhere in Sweden. Sun was warm. Women were semi nude. Same shit, different year.

TCO then went back into form in August, when it became painfully obvious to even those living in the most remote parts of the world that the Swedish Vägverket (Road & Safety) could easily match any propaganda machine of any time or date.

In September, the brand new Beverly Hills show kicked off with an oral sex scene that, as subtly as an overweight elephant on LSD, told everyone that the new version of the show would suck as much as the old one did.

October seemed to make a claim for most moron filled month of the year, starting off with Hugh Hefner dating a couple of twins who shared a single braincell among them, Sarah Palin being her usual redneck self, the tv-show "Careers on ice" (or perhaps they called it "Stars on ice", I can't seem to remember) and the London olympics featuring Lisa Simpson performing fellatio.

The eleventh month of the year, November brought with it Michael Jackson converting to Islam. Either way you look at it, these days he's really just a pale version of his old self.

Finally, December came along, as usual the black sheep of the year, deciding to show up last while all the other months were long since tired of waiting. Hell, January had almost been here a whole year. Anyway, it was worth the wait as December brought the most bizarre story of the year: Adolf Hitler couldn't get his birthday cake. You would think that's because the "genocidal fuckhead", as Eddie Izzard aptly put it, is long dead, but this was the story of a couple of rednecks naming their children Adolf Hitler, Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. Certain names bring with them certain assumptions - you think, for example, children named "Jeeves" are destined to become butlers - and I'm assuming this trio won't really make it to the White house unless that's what they actually call their trailer park home.


There we are, the year in ten paragraphs. Before we end, there still are the TCO awards to hand out though.

The "Putting the fun in dysfunctional" award of the year goes to: Amy Winehouse.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed on TV at all" award of the year goes to: Carolina Gynning.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed to even speak" award of the year goes to: Linda Rosing.

That's it. Now sod off and have a great news years, everyone!



/JP

Huh? Who's there?

Former Playboy bunny and professional skank Kendra Wilkinson recently left Hugh Hefner and the mansion to go find herself someone else's blood to suck (feel free to substitute "blood" for any other word you might see fit).

Now Hefner is saying he doesn't recognize her anymore, which probably makes for the least surprising headline since "Winehouse goes to rehab".

The man's close to 500 years old. Of course he's fucking senile.

/JP

Christmas greetings

Well, seeing how it's Christmas..

From TCO to all of you:

Ho, ho, fucking ho.

Merry bloody Christmas everyone.

Let's hope you don't get the gift that keeps on giving - Chlamydia. Don't fuck Santa Claus. He's been to every other household in the world. Someone is bound to have had it.

/JP

Sluts in the city redux

TV3 is currently running ads for the start of the creator of "Sex and the city"'s new show "Lipstick jungle".

Apparently, it's about three loose women in New York who battle one night stands, careers and shopping every fucking episode.

So, basically it's exactly the same as Sex and the city only without the horse.

Innovative.

/JP

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Apparently an American quiz show.

Americans smarter than fifth graders?

I'm willing to bet the answer will be "No".

/JP

Holy crap, Batman!

As some of you may know, a new Batman movie is in the works. Obviously, the first one featured Liam Neeson as the villain. The second movie, The Dark Knight, featured an epic - there's no other word for it - portrait of the Joker by the late Heath Ledger.

So you would expect them to go for the best of the best when finding the next Batman villain. An amazing actor, a thespian of seldom seen quality.

Apparently not.

Eddie Murphy will be playing the Riddler.

"Yeah, answer me this, motherfucker. Is that woman a transvestite prostitute and will she be looking for a ride home?"

It's as if they've reasoned that after Ledger's sad death, the Batman movies will only get worse anyway, so fuck it.

/JP

Ho ho fucking ho

Fadde Darwich, probably most famous for being dumped by Linda Rosing (how's that for a claim to fame?), is making himself available as Santa Claus at your house.

Looking for a perfect gift? How about messing up your children for life?

I can see it before me now.

Fadde, in broken English: "Ho, ho, ho! Are there any children here?"
Children: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
Fadde: "No, no, I'm Santa Claus. Have you eaten your shish kebab this year?"

/JP

A disgrace to the human race

And now for a story that almost sounds too funny to be true, but it is.

Adolf Hitler won't be getting a birthday cake.

Yes, this is the story about a child who's been named Adolf Hitler Campbell. His parents wanted to get him a birthday cake with his name on it but, hold on to whatever you've got, the bakery refused. Apparently, this wasn't the first time the family had issues with cakes, Adolf's sisters are called Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. I am not making this up.

The parents can't understand how a name could possibly be considered offensive. In related news, the couple's next child will be called "Child Molestor Jr".

They also claim the swastikas that can be seen on the family's house's walls, pillows, fridges, on their jackets and their car all are "symbols of peace and balance" which is sort of like saying Joseph Fritzl is the symbol of core family values. Taking all things into the equation, I'm estimating the combined IQ of the household to be somewhere around that of a seagull. It's as if the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is long since dead.

If there ever was a need for a bit of chlorine in the gene pool, surely this would be it.

/JP

Cold case

Celine Dion apparently has an embryo in her freezer.

Or "womb" as women from Earth would call it.

/JP

Love actually

A recent study made by the Heriot Watt University of Edinburgh claims romantic movies eventually will destroy your relationships. Apparently, they make you believe in fate and that someone other than a victim of kidnapping will say "you had me at hello".

There are a few flaws in the theory, however.

First off, the study was made in Scotland. Not exactly the world center of romance. For one, they call their females "lassies" which is, honestly, just another way of calling them female dogs.

Secondly, I haven't really seen any studies that show that if you want to save your relationship, Rambo is the way to go. There's nothing that truly says "I love you" like blowing up Vietnamese gerilla in any number of ways, is there?

/JP

Do you make your choices or do your choices make you?

According to sociologist Jan Trost more and more women are "choosing" to be with younger men. He goes on to examplify three cases in point: Helena Seger, Mariah Carey and Demi Moore.

To be honest, that's like choosing the Fritzl family to prove the point that a lot of families prefer to stay at home.

Helena Seger "chose" Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Before she started dating the multi-millionaire football superstar, she was known for exactly jack shit. I'm willing to bet she wouldn't have cared if he was older than her as long as she got all the stuff she's been given now. I mean, she's a football player's wife. The hardest thing in her life is trying to avoid hyperextending her elbow while lifting heavy shopping bags.

Mariah Carey is claiming to have the body of a 12-year old and, truth be told, her mental prowess doesn't really reach beyond prepubescence either. In other words, it's not so much a story of an older woman "choosing" a younger man as it is a story of possible borderline pedophilia on the guy's part.

Finally Demi Moore. Now, granted, she's a very, very, very old woman. However, she's so desperate to look younger she has, and I'm not making this up, even had her knees surgically enhanced. Of course she's going to "choose" a younger man. I wouldn't be surprised if I learned that she bathes in the blood of fifteen underage virgins each week.

/JP

A beautiful truth

I was listening to radio today, and it seems to me radio commercials haven't really gotten better. Radio ads truly are, without a doubt, the bastard child of marketing. One ad in particular stood out amongst the rubble though: It's time to make nominations for Öhrlings-PriceWaterhouseCoopers' and Driftig.nu's award for business woman of the year. It's called the "Beautiful Business Award". Now, can someone please tell me why the fuck it always has to be related to beauty when it comes to women's awards? Why not just call it the "Business Award"? Calling it the "Beautiful Business Award" to me just screams of "yeah, she's gotten amazing results, 40% revenue increases and an additional 60% profit increase, but man, just look at her knockers!".

Apparently, it has to do with Driftig.nu's founders, but considering this is their expert



I'm guessing the proverbial elevator doesn't really reach the top floor. Just add a tad more makeup and she'll be the spitting image of Pennywise.

/JP

Thai rack

The holidays are coming up and a friend of mine is heading to Thailand. Unlike so many others though, she's not going there to buy sex, she's going to visit her relatives. Well, I guess either way she'll end up in a brothel.

I'm joking, of course. But prostitution in Thailand is a real problem, as are the various venereal diseases that the prostitutes carry. They call it Bankok, because if you go there, chances are good your penis will explode.

To me, having sex with a prostitute seems a bit like bungy-jumping. If the rubber breaks, you're dead.

It's not always good to be a positive person, you know.

/JP

Strike three, you're out

Russian Ksenija Suchinova, 21, was recently named Miss World.

Anyone else thinking she's called miss because every single guy in there tried to hit it?

/JP

L is for the way you look at me

I was recently skimming through an Elle magazine at the barber's and came across a girl who posed nude.

The barber was livid.

No, but seriously, I guess she was told it would be artistic and whatnot, but the fact remains: Sometimes the only difference between pubic hairs and public hairs is an "l".

Wait for it.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal.

/JP

Another crack at Winehouse

According to recent articles, Brit Johnny Blagrove thought he'd make a bit of money on the side by selling videos of celebrities doing drugs to magazines willing to pay good money for them, i.e. The Sun.

The plan backfired when the police instead put him away for two years for drug dealing.

Admittedly, it wasn't the best of plans from the start. Considering Winehouse did enough drugs to support a medium sized third world country, selling videos that not only reveal her but you the drug dealer as well for an additional £40,000 - surely pocket change by comparison - is like David Beckham going "No, I haven't got enough money, I'll just sell my right foot on E-bay to make ends meet".

One of the images show Winehouse apparently doing crack:



It got Blagrove in jail and Amy a new range of cosmetics and fashion products. All of a sudden, asking for Junkie XL doesn't necessarily mean you want a record.

It also begs the question how fucked up you have to be to go into a store, buy clothes that make you look like above and consider it an upgrade? It's like Monthy Python's Four Yorkshiremen sketch for crying out loud. The woman looks like she was sodomized by the Ugly stick and once the stick was done, he smoked a cigarette while he called over his friends, Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick. Then Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick double penetrated her while Ugly stick taped it and sold it to The Sun.

For £40,000, obviously.

/JP

Hit me like, baby, like one more time

So, the better half of TCO has just seen "Britney Spears: For the record".

A suitable title, considering the documentary, if you want to call that scripted piece of elephant feces that, was designed for one purpose and one purpose only: To sell her new record.

If there is one thing people should take away from the piece, the "interviewer" asks, what would it be?

"That I'm just like them", Britney replies.

Uhm, no. Last time I checked, I was sane.

She also says that she'll write a book one day. A serious one, she adds.

Yeah, I can see it before me already:

"It was, like, you know, the best of times, it was like the worst of, eh, times; it was the like age of, uh, what's that big word again.. ..wizards?"

/JP

A veritable who's who

Aftonbladet is today announcing the return of blogger Karolina Lassbo.

I think I speak for most, if not all, of us when I say: Who?

I've just looked at her blog and from what I can tell, her only interesting feature is that she, despite being only 28, looks like she's 48.

Considering that both Rosing and Gynning are getting their own shows, aren't you getting the feeling the media is trying to generate not interest but rather downright markets?

It seems we, as a modern society, have moved on from post modernism to just post quality.

/JP

Growing pains

Ah, it seems TCO has its followers. Surprisingly though, perhaps not who you would expect.

After yesterdays pieces about Carolina "I wish I had a brain" Gynning and "Will do anything, and I do mean anything, to be in the public eye" Jordan, Gynning is today stating on her blog that she "loves" Jordan.

Gynning writes that "Jordan is awesome, really fucking awesome. When I grow up, I want to be just like her". An excellent example for the young girls of today, no doubt.

Well, dear. I'm sure you're well on your way. For starters, you both seem to share a single brain cell and have histories of affairs with fugly men. All you need to do now is put even bigger implants in, fuck anything that moves, record some sextapes and have them "stolen" and then as a final coup de grace give up everything and anything even remotely connected to class and elegance.

I'm sure that if you really put your mind to it, you'll be able to pull it off. Gotta get dirty if you're digging for gold, right? Gynning is probably thinking that the cheaper you are, the bigger the market.

Anyone else thinks there should be a tax on stupidity?

/JP

She's not foaling anyone

According to Sarah Jessica Parker, her character on "Sex & the city", the story about four sluts in New York, will not be having a baby in the upcoming sequel.

TCO has, however, managed to procure a photo of what the baby would have looked like:



/JP

You're done

British glamour queen Jordan (and I use the term glamour quite wrongly seeing as she's probably one of the least glamorous people I can think of) is once again telling the world, whether we like it or not, about her sexlife with husband Peter Andre.

Jordan has truly become the very definition of "attention whore", because not only is she constantly seeking attention..

Anyway, apparently the husband wants her to wear big underwear, granny style. I'm guessing it's because her vagina is the size of Grand Canyon and, let's face it, a piece of string won't cover up that gorge.

She goes on to say that the panties come off quite quickly anyway, which can't come as a surprise to, well, anyone. Jordan doesn't really give you the impression of being a three date kind of woman.

"Alright, here's your bus ticket and there's your change back.. Ah, for fuck's sake. Put those back on. There are children around. They'll get lost in there. Four disappeared only last week."

The couple recently came back from a holiday, but there won't be any paparazzi pictures of Jordan in a bikini. The reason? "Because I sunbathe nude". That's showing 'em.

/JP

The apocalypse is near

Yes, it is official. Earth is going to hell in a handbasket. Humanity as we know it has stepped beyond the fail safe point.

Carolina Gynning is once again getting her own show, this time on TV4. As usual, the entertainment industry is much too quick to forget recent history. Her old show "Inside the head of Carolina Gynning" (TCO comment found here) on TV5 was a complete train wreck, resulting in her being kicked off the air faster than you can say "bimbo", much to the pleasure and relief of the civilized world.

Sadly though, as stated above, she has been given yet another fucking show. Gynning wrote about it in her blog, saying "Good Lord, I've just had a meeting with TV4 and you'll die when you get to hear what they offered me". A true statement, seeing how a lot of people will probably feel like shooting their faces off once they hear the news.

God help us all.

/JP

I'm sorry, Mrs Jackson

According to an article today, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam, changing his name to Mikaeel in the process.

I'm thinking the main selling point was the 17 virgins that supposedly await the male muslims once they enter the kingdom of heaven or whatever they call it. "17 unspoiled children? Sounds like paradise to me."

Is it just me, or is he these days just a pale version of his old self?

/JP

Blown away

Ryan Air's president Michael O'Leary has come up with the following slogan for Ryan Air's first class flights:

"Beds and blowjobs".

Yes, you read that correctly.

According to Ryan Air, a blowjob is a symbol for luxury. I'm guessing they took that from the "Whore's guide to marketing". Personally, whenever I feel like treating myself to a bit of luxury, sucking a cock isn't the first thing that comes to mind. Go figure.

O'Leary says that he "can't think of any better way of spending a five hour flight". Five hours? Either the girl is crap at giving blowjobs or you've got some sort of issue down there, mate.

For the flight stewardesses, I'm guessing the new slogan is "Beds and breakfast".

Ryan Air has stated that actual fellatio won't be performed, but that the slogan stands for a level of service that's beyond what Ryan Air previously has provided. Sounds like a step up from the usual butt-fucking Ryan Air gives its customers, I suppose.

Either way, the flights will still suck.

/JP

X rated

In a recent episode of 8 out of 10 cats, one of the guests was a judge from British TV show X-Factor.

Looking at the proverbial car crashes that are the careers of the show's previous winners, it must be one of the most aptly named shows in television.

You were once a factor, but no more. You are officially an ex factor.

/JP

IPRED

Time for a non comical piece once more. If you're not interested, normal service will be resumed shortly.

The Swedish government is currently discussing a law that would, basically, allow private companies to gain access to IP-adresses. The thought being that this would prevent illegal downloading. Now, I am all for intellectual property rights, but I must say I feel this isn't the best way to protect them.

First and foremost, it is very easy for someone with a bit of savoir faire to mask IP-adresses. The consequences thereof are that, to a large extent, chances are the new law will do nothing but essentially bring down Betty Teenager who downloads a few tunes a month for her cellphone rather than those who actually illegaly download on a broad scale.

Secondly, how does the government intend to deal with burden of proof? How are you to prove that the owner of the IP-adress, or the owner of the computer itself for that matter, is actually the one doing the illegal downloading? A strict responsibility for your IP-adress? That could quite well mean opening a veritable Pandora's Box of internet piracy.

Finally, examples from other countries show that, in essence, the law has done little more than legalize blackmailing. Is that really the right way to go? I seriously doubt it.

No, I think all parties, be it consumers or the music industry itself, need to think harder. This, I fear, will not be a viable solution.

/JP

Can you get me a quote on that, please

I just recently came across a site devoted to Linda Rosing. TCO would rather stick its eyes with a blunt spoon than go that far, but here are a few gems from the page.

First off, she had a brief political "career", although I'm sure it might have had to do with her not quite understanding that a political party didn't involve free drinks. Anyway, her party was devoted to removing the fake beauty ideals that women these days follow. She said she wanted to remove the shallow, superficial and fake. Nothing funny in that, but taking into account that the woman looks like this..



..it's a lot funnier.

She has also stated that her breasts are real. "Real silicone. My friends use implants. So yeah, they are real."

Another great quote of hers is: "I like thinking. I think it's fun."

I would honestly not be surprised if Ralph Wiggum was based on her.

Some might say she's not the sharpest tool in the box, but I'm starting to think she's not even as sharp as the box itself.

/JP

And the story continues

In order to give Amy Winehouse a run for her money, Linda Rosing is once again making her way into the world of TCO.

Today, she's talking about how jelaous she is of Carolina Gynning.

Apparently, the reason being that "in every picture, she's as beautiful as dung". I can see how that's a step up for Rosing, who just looks like plain old shit.

She goes on to tell the world that she actually had to write in to Slitz Magazine (think Playboy without the false sense of glamour and occasional well written article) and talk them into letting her pose nude. That must surely be a new low for women everywhere.

Her friends apparently use her because she's famous (and she obviously uses the term famous quite wrongly), but look on the bright side, Linda, after that quote I'm sure there won't be any of them left.

Finally, she reveals that the best job she's ever had was as a cleaning lady. The pay was good (better than nothing seeing how it was the only job she could get), she got to work with her body (I'm guessing working on all fours wasn't new to her) and be independent (could you clean this crap up, please?).

/JP

Clink think

Convicted rapist and murderer Anders Eklund is soon to arrive at prison. Apparently, the other inmates have been told to "stay away from him or get out".

For someone being locked up in jail, surely that has to be an incentive more than a threat?

/JP

Amy Winegum

After what TCO conidered a borderline hostile takeover, Amy Winehouse has been notably absent from recent blogs. However, she's fresh out of rehab and back into TCO.

Apparently, she's now doing a lot better, now seemingly addicted to sugar and sweets rather than crack and heroine.

However, I'm not really so sure there's been much of a difference. For starters, she's now addicted to Coke. From what I can tell, the only difference is a capital C.

Her second favorite is wine gums - if only through name obviously an alcoholic's candy of choice.

So she's supposedly gone - and I wouldn't bet my house on her not getting back to rehab any second soon - from coke to Coke and wine to wine gums. Not exactly a quantum leap there.

Furthermore, how fucked up do you have to be to have gone to a candy, soda and sweet addiction and it's "for the better"?

Either way, I'm not sure Paul Gascoine agrees it's such a great thing.

/JP

What's up with OGC, part II

Another piece for my brother Niklas.

A while back I wrote about the OGC logo that wasn't, well, quite what they had hoped for, I'm guessing.

Now I'm thinking the same firm got the job of designing the official logo for the 2012 London Olympic Games.



Now I can't be the only one who thinks that looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob?

Speaking of which, who the hell thought of this one? Gary Glitter?



/JP

Headline Linda - back with a vengeance

As I just recently wrote, Linda "The biggest joke in recent Swedish history" Rosing is about to have her own show, sort of. Anyway, details about the show and the deal she had to sign recently became public. In an interview with the woman who just recently said that Headline Linda would be no more. Heh.

First off, the contract. Yet again, these are all actual quotes. Nothing is added for comedic effect, although translations have obviously been made.

1. Linda cannot be in a relationship, nor claim to be in a relationship, with anyone outside the show.

2. Linda cannot date, have sexual relations or claim to do either with anyone outside the show.

So, let me guess this straight. They have to, through written contract, make her not sleep around or lie? Speaks volumes about her character, doesn't it?

Now back to the interview.

Linda states that "looks aren't important, but a sense of humor, self distance and independence all are". I don't know about you, but I find that hilarious coming from a person who has had plastic surgery, well, everywhere, is completely oblivious to the fact that she's a complete joke herself, has no self distance and is so dependent of others, she's actually getting a tv-show just to find someone to cling on to.

Linda continues: "He needs to be a good role model for my kids, someone to look up". Nothing like their mother, then. I guess she's hoping opposites do attract.

My favorite part though is the last bit of the interview, where the journalist (and I use that term quite loosely) asks her if she ever wants to be an average Jane, unknown to the masses to which Linda replies: "No, that's not my thing. I want to be where I am today. I like being famous and I have no regrets. It's my choice. If not, I wouldn't be where I am today, with a blog going well and all."

This is a woman who just a few months ago said she hated being in the public eye and never ever wanted to be Headline Linda again. The only reason she's where she's at today, which let's be frank is about one inch above the shit, is because someone was stupid enough to give her a tv-show. Unless you're Perez Hilton, a "blog going well" isn't exactly a yardstick for success.

Jebus.

/JP

Looking for a date

Waaaay back in April, I wrote a piece on Linda Rosing, calling her "the biggest joke in recent Swedish history". However, she told me and the rest of the world that "headline Linda" would be no more. No, she had gotten an education and was to become an air hostess.

Prepare for a shocker - she didn't find a job. Apparently, it's a huge surprise nobody wants to hire a bimbo who, basically, you wouldn't trust to sit correctly on a toilet seat.

So now it's back to headline Linda again, it seems. Oh, joy. Coming up: Who wants to date Linda Rosing?. Apparently, "Worst week" was taken.

Personally, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Will anyone? That remains to be seen. If anyone can be bothered to watch what quite possibly could be one of the most pathetic shows in some time, that is.

/JP

Twinings

The soap opera at the Playboy mansion continues in a tempo, quite frankly, TCO has some problems keeping up with. The latest news: Hef has decided to start dating a couple of 19-year old twins.

First off, the fact that he's "decided to start dating" them further leads you believe he's not so much a magazine owner as a pimp. Either that or those girls are even cheaper than anyone thought possible (if true an amazing feat, it must be said).

A sign the girls don't seem to have all their tools in the box is what you can read on their respective MySpace pages (and yes, these are the actual quotes). Says twin 1, Karissa Shannon:

"Obstacles r put into your life to see if wut u want is worth fighting for!!!".

I'm sorry, I forgot my retarded-AOL-teen to English at home.

Twin 2, Kristina Shannon instead quotes, well, just about every marriage site online:

"Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demands. Accept me how I am. A love like that will be ETERNAL!"

Yeah, it'll be eternal until Hef dies, which should be any second now.

The funniest part in all this? You've got an 80+ male dating 20-something females, and the guy decides the girls are too old.

If there ever was a term such as insignificant other, this'd be the time to use it.

/JP

Following birthday suit

Yesterday, TCO reported that Holly Madison had left the Playboy mansion. Today, it's fellow golddigger Kendra Wilkinson, 23 who has realized she's not getting a cent either. And like that, she was gone. Go figure.

Wilkinson is now dating a 26-year old football player, meaning that her new boyfriend is close to 60 years younger than her (very, very, very) old.

The ex-bunny stated that the Playboy mansion these days is filled with "random assholes", in all fairness not a giant leap from it previously having been filled with random pussies.

/JP

Spearheading the project

Britney Spears' younger sister, Jamie Lynn, 17, recently gave birth to her first child. A moronic decision to bring a child into the world when you're still a teen, you say? Naturally. It would seem like a stupid thing to do, but let's face it, she's not coming from the brightest of families.

Today, the story broke that she yet again is pregnant.

Apparently, and I'm not making this up for comedic effect, she thought she "couldn't get pregnant while she was breast feeding". I'll just let that one sink in a bit.

No, you can't get pregnant while you're breast feeding if you're not having sex during that very moment in time (which, for the baby's sake, I hope you're not). That's about it, shit-for-brains.

Having read this, is anyone really surprised she's wasn't smart enough to use contraceptives in the first place?

/JP

Only buddy Holly now

Ah, so it finally became a reality. TCO's favorite Playboy bunny, Holly Madison, has finally moved on from Hugh Hefner although I'm assuming it's moreso the other way around.

As I've written earlier, the couple was trying to get pregnant. Obviously an idea doomed to failure from the very beginning. Hef's male, so it's not likely he'll get pregnant. Holly, on the other hand, is female, but fucking a male so old his erection comes from rigor mortis.

Even the most retarded could see that she only wanted his money through marriage and a child and that he only wanted her to open her mouth whenever he wanted to put something in there.

So TCO is now officially opening a Holly Madison watch to see how long it'll take before she's with another old geezer, all "up in love", looking for cash, a ring and a kid. If you've got news, let's hear it. TCO's official bet is, oh, another hour or so.

/JP

Instant gratification society

As I was listening to the radio earlier today, an ad came on which basically went something like this.

Female voice 1: "Hi! My name is Something Orother. I work all day repairing wheels and brakes on trains. It's really cramped and tight in there".
Female voice 2: "Do you need to lose weight? We are proud to be able to offer various surgical procedures".

It was a serious ad, I might add.

Although the girl's boyfriend probably is happy she underwent surgery - he too was working under trains in a way, and I doubt he had the good luck of getting to feel anything tight besides his own breathing - couldn't the girl just have gone to the gym?

We live in an instant gratification society today. People borrow money to go on vacation, hoping to get into the Mile High Club. They undergo surgery to lose weight, hoping to leave the Mile Wide Club.

It's all now, now, now, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Had Rocky been written today, he wouldn't even have made it outside the door.

/JP

Stars on ice

Alright, back to the ever ongoing war on stupidity.

I don't know how unique this is - most shows typically aren't - but TV4 up here in Swedenland is currently running a show called "Stars on ice". It's a "Let's dance"/"Dancing with the stars" hybrid, only this time it's all on ice. Not the most brilliant concept in theory, even further from it in reality.

The show's two presenters are Carolina Gynning and Carina Berg. The gruesome twosome.

In all honesty, Berg you could probably cope with. Gynning on the other hand, as the loyal reader knows, makes you want to stab your eyes and ears out with a blunt kitchen knife. Not only is she one of the least intelligent people ever to have graced the TV-screen (if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back), she's also got a habit of speaking just a few decibels louder than the normal person. All in all, I'm willing to bet she'll be the main reason the show itself is put on ice along with, if God is good, her so-called career.

Anyone with a hotline to the Pope?

/JP

Palindrome

A serious take once again.

I've been asked a few times lately about my take on the American election. To be blunt, from an international perspective, it's a circus. Although I must admit, this year the two main candidates both seem to have strong points.

A black president would be good for the states, no doubt in my mind about it.

McCain on the other hand is probably the best Republican candidate in quite some time.

The selection of Sarah Palin, however, is completely beyond me. Lacking other plausible explanations, I'm guessing there were nude images of McCain and a goat involved. For crying out loud, the woman is a complete joke both as a person and politician. A redneck whose experience of foreign politics comes from Alaska "being close to Russia". At the moment, she's close to bringing down McCain, and should she, somehow, make it into office, she'll be that much closer to bringing down the USA as well. I mean, if McCain moves on to the other side, she'll be in a position so high up a fall would be fatal.

Time to wake up, yanks, or it just might be too late.

/JP

A great role nude model

As most are aware, lately there have been numerous articles about the poor girls who post their own nude pictures online and then - publically, I should probably add - cry when the pictures are sent from Bombay to Jacksonville via Johannesburg. I've always thought they should cry us all a river and sail away on it 'til the world's end, but then again, I'm a straight shooter.

Anywho, TV4's "Lulu Carter", yes, she's actually called Lulu and looks every part of what you think someone with such a retarded name would, recently posted nude pictures of herself online. Now, this is a woman who at age 30+ (think 30 + 21) desperately tries to look 20, with fake lips, fake boobs, the lot. She doesn't appear to be wearing make-up, but rather different coatings.

This parody of an aging woman, clinging to the last straws of her youth like the autumn leaves hopelessly clinging to the branch after the cold of the winter has stricken the land (ain't I the poet?), posts nude images of herself and what happens? A public outrage, telling her not to put even more moronic ideas into the fragile minds of the so called poor, poor girls who cry because they've done the same? A public yawn? No, she's being coronated as "a great role model for women".

I haven't seen anything this stupid since some oxygen thief of a politician decided we should have 50% female crossing signs.

It seems we just might have another case of Mad Cow Disease on our hands.

Pathetic.

/JP

Same old

Sorry, again, for the lack of updates. I've been doing some comedy stuff for another site recently, but let's not fool ourselves into thinking a lot of people actually give a rat's poop shoot anyway.

Anywho, I was recently told I'm "the funniest guy nobody has heard of", perhaps ironic being that most of the recent blogs here have been anything but funny. Still, in all honesty, I don't know what to do with that statement. I believe, like Jimmy Carr, that humour is a lot like sexual preference. You don't know why you find something funny, you just do. It's not an active choice. I don't know if my kind of comedy is the equivalent of plain old doggiestyle or a couple of twin midgets called Mongo and Bill, a goat, an adult diaper and two buckets of moonshine.

You tell me.

/JP

Debbie does Beverly Hills?

Ah, the outcry of conservatives, hypocrites and, well, morons.


The "All New" Beverly Hills series has shocked America, featuring an oral sex scene. The complaints have been, to say the very least, numerous.

So, let me get this straight. You're a teenage parent (well, your kids are teenagers, not you) and you don't want to have him or her watching such filth. A teenager filled with hormones, being told there's soft porn on TV? Yeah, that's a great idea. Think the show will get, oh, a zillion more viewers now? Think that perhaps it was a marketing ploy, putting that scene in there? Surely not.

I don't get the big deal, though. The old series sucked too.

/JP

Beyond belief

Lately, it seems this blog has gone from being a humorous take on daily life to a crusade against Vägverket. So be it. Someone, I have come to realize, has to do it.

As I have written about earlier, there are some astounding facts related to fatal road accidents that, as far as I could see, Vägverket does nothing about. Today, the perception that VV doesn't care one iota was confirmed by Claes Tingvall.

According to NTF, 55% of all vehicles exceed the 30 kph speed limits that usually are to be found around schools and similar areas. Looking at the figures, 40% are found between 31 and 40 kph. 12% are found between 41 and 50 kph. 3% are found above 51 kph.

In other words, 85% of all cars drive either below the limit or just ever so slightly above it. Taking into account that a lot of the 30 kph limits are put up to protect environmentally sensitive areas, the number of people speeding around, say, schools has to be even smaller.

Yet Tingvall, if done without blushing it surely has to be worthy of an Oscar, Emmy or at the very least an honorable mention, stated the following (translated, obviously):

-"Speed is the area we've missed out on in Sweden. We're good at using seat belts and not driving drunk, but it seems speeding by 10 kph is okey."

I'm living in a country where 50% of all roads are below approvable standards, meaning they are, in fact, dangerous. A country where 75% of all fatal accidents could have been avoided, had Vägverket done its job and followed the given guidelines. A country where 30% of all people involved in fatal road accidents are driving under the influence of alcohol. A country where 50% of all people involved in fatal road accidents are driving without their seat belt on.

Ho-hum.

I'm living in a country where 15% drive faster than 10kph above the speed limits at 30 kph zones, AND THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM?

This is beyond all belief.

/JP

The universal cure

As most of you know, Vägverket loves speed cameras and, generally, considers them the universal cure to everything from speeding to drunk driving to people driving without their seat belts on. Recently, the arguments for putting up speed cameras have become weaker by the minute. They don't really decrease speeding, they don't decrease road accidents, they don't prevent drunk driving and they don't prevent people from driving without their seat belts on.

The latest reason? It's, eh, wait, eh, good for, eh, eh, the, eh, environment!

Consider me a sceptic. First off, you have to take into account actually building the cameras as well as the extra signs telling people that speed cameras are coming up. Then you have to add the pollution coming from the big, fat trucks driving around with the cameras, erecting them all over the country.

Taking into account the fact that modern cars, at highway speeds, pollute less than old cars do at standstill, the overall effect has to be absolutely miniscule.

What kind of man-cow-excrements is next? Telling us speed cameras will cure AIDS and cancer, feed the entire third world and create worldwide peace?

I would, in all honesty, not be surprised were I to find out that Vägverket is secretly controlled by an evil Lord of the Speed Camera Cult trying to take over the world. Human sacrifice (mainly virgins and motorcyclists, I'm guessing) would probably be in there somewhere as well.

/JP

Today, tomorrow, something else

A while back I said I would get back to you all about why I think that the Toyota Prius is nowhere near the so called green benchmark it is supposed to be. In reality, it's a poorly built, overpriced, not very green piece of marketing fairy dust.

Top Gear has proven in tests that in highway speeds, the Prius is thirstier than a BMW M3.

Fifth Gear has proven in tests that in city traffic speeds, the Prius is barely less thirsty than a Jeep.

In the long run, mainly because the various parts being shipped all over the world, the Prius does more damage to our planet than a Range Rover.

Yet people somehow perceive it as "green".

Time to wake up, people?

/JP

Belted statistics

Time once more to strengthen the position of TCO as the leading anti-Vägverket blog on the interweb. It's not so much that I deplore the institution as such, but rather that I find its doings so pathetically inept it has long since passed into the realm of the provocative. It is, without even so much as a shadow of a glimpse of doubt time to start over and do it properly.

In addition to the 30% that drink and drive, as blogged about earlier, according to a recent study, 50% of all people who suffer fatal accidents in Sweden aren't wearing their seatbelts. 50%. One in every two. Half of the entire crop, as it were. A simply astounding figure.

What do the good folks (read: intellectually challenged) at Vägverket do about this then?

Nothing.

Nothing they can do, they say. It's a problem on an individual level.

Bullshit, I say.

They do however - and all those who didn't see this one coming miles away raise their hands - see it as a sure sign of people driving too fast. You see, despite the fact that a lot of the victims had been able to walk away from the accidents without so much as a bump on their car, let alone their body, had they only worn seatbelts (this through Vägverket's own admission), the fact that they didn't wear them is a sign of them all being the kind of persons who are likely to take chances, which in turn is a sign of the kind of persons who are likely to speed. Tough to follow the reasoning? No wonder, there usually doesn't seem to be a whole lot of thinking behind their reasoning.

Anyway, the solution? You guessed it. More speed cameras.

Abso-fucking-lutely clinically insane.

As is this, for the Swedish speaking among you. I might translate it later, but for now I'll just do a bit of linking. It's worth a read and yet another sign of the downright jaw-dropping incompetence of Vägverket's.

Vägverket fighting journalist, refusing to adhere to EU regulations.

/JP

Sorry for the lack of updates

But things have been kind of hectic, in fact unusually so. The stock market tends to be slower during the summer, but things are crazy at the firm none the less. Will try to shape up like an American at McDonalds (hey, "round" is a shape too, you know).

So what has happened since the last time I blogged? Well.. Not much to write home, or away, about to be honest. In short:

Amy Winehouse is, as always, putting the fun in dysfunctional.

Michael Jackson is, apparently, not only a very, very, very, very, very creepy individual, but also a "spendaholic" near bankruptcy. They say that money talks, guess his said "good-bye".

A company is making ladies' tights from some sort of coffee beans. Probably great if your legs fall asleep.

And finally, stop me if this one is offensive. Oh, wait. You can't, can you? Anyway, the cure for children with learning difficulties? Concentration camps.

I know, I know. Those were crap. But look on the positive side, now I don't have to work as hard in order to shape up.

/JP

Road and schafety

According to a recent study, one in every three persons who die in traffic in Sweden is driving under the influence of alcohol.

One in every three persons.

One in every three.

That's a huge percentage.

What do the good folks at Vägvärket (Swedish Road & Safety) do about it? Well, basically they say it's a bad thing and that people shouldn't drink, and, oh yeah, check up on students who at present are finishing the equivalent of high school.

One in every three fucking persons, and they think it's enough to say "oh, that's bad" and inform students, who to a large extent don't even have a driver's license let alone a car, that they shouldn't drink and drive on the night of their graduation?

I'm thinking the unofficial plan is this:

1. Lower the speed limits. Everyone follows the speed limits, particularly those under the influence.
2. Blame the motorcyclists. It's obvious car drivers drink due to the nervosity stemming from the fact that motorcycles at all exist.
3. Install even more speed cameras. They are the universal answer to anything auto related, everyone knows that.
4. Repeat.

The level of incompetence in the ranks of that bureau is, to be perfectly honest, downright provocative.

/JP

In related news, the sky is blue

An increase in the relative amount of electric cars could increase the total amount of pollution, a professor from the University of Linköping is reporting today.

The reason? The electricity has to come from somewhere, and that somewhere may just be that massive black oven of a fossil fueled plant you've called all sorts of names as you've driven past in your new, green, electric car.

The thing that absolutely astounds me in all this is, they thought of this NOW? Anyone with an IQ above his or her shoe size knows that things don't just magically appear. "Ecological beef" isn't created out of thin air at your local butcher's. "Natural paper" isn't made out of willpower at your local stationary shop. A Toyota Prius* isn't composed of good will to all living things, love and fairy dust.

Unless you're standing in the middle of a field, during a thunder storm, with a lightning rod up your ass, chances are electricity isn't going to fall down from the sky either.

Everything has to come from somewhere. The same goes for thoughts, so start using what you've got in that head of yours.

The fact that this is somehow news to anyone is, to me, surely a sign that humanity is going down the crapper.

/JP



*I chose the Prius as it is, to many, the benchmark of so-called green cars. In reality, it's nowhere near, but that's another story for another time. For now, if you want to buy a green car, buy a small diesel.

Coffee?

The last rant got me going, so I'll just put another one in here while I'm at it, although this one is mine, my own, my precious.

It's about a modern phenomena, created in the United States of Americaland.

American coffee.

Let me make this perfectly clear: A tripple skimmy latte mochacino hazelnut chocolate cream whosyourdaddy is NOT "a coffee". It's a fucking dessert.

A parallel can be made to red wine, a person saying that he or she likes it "particularly with some fruits, ice, cointreau, cognac and cinnamon in it". That's not red wine, it's fucking sangria.

The same thing goes for coffee. What they serve at Starbucks isn't coffee. It's liquid crap in a cup.

Get some perspective.

Bah.

/JP

A request

For the first time in the history of TCO, I'm going to rant about a certain topic as it has been requested.

The topic is Matthias Dahlström, a music critic (I'm guessing) at Dagens Nyheter who has graded each country's contribution to the Eurovision Song Contest.

And gotten them all wrong. A remarkable feat in itself, it must be said.

Now, this is not a "we can agree to disagree" sort of thing. The man has given 4 points (out of 5) to a mime artist (a hint to most that, possibly, the man's voice isn't exactly his biggest asset), 3 points to a turkey (possibly the biggest joke of the entire history of Eurovision, an entry Dahlström calls "techno", about as accurate as calling N'Sync thrash metal) and 5 points to a barbie doll lookalike with as much of a voice as her plastic counterpart, claiming in the process that the song is reminiscent of something written by Dianne Warren in her prime. That's like saying William Hung is reminiscent of Frank Sinatra.

For the love of all that is holy, Dahlström, please do quit your day job. I'm sure McDonalds is hiring, although you'd probably call a Big Mac a banana split.

/JP

Holly shit

As I've written about earlier, Hugh Hefner's girlfriend Holly Madison is getting screwed. For what it's worth, Holly, to paraphrase Nelson: ha fucking ha.

No, we're not talking baby making anymore. Apparently, nothing came out of that ordeal but Hef himself. A hint, Holly, is that when your lover is shooting dust out of his cock, it's not a promising sign.

This time she tried marriage instead, but Hef declined, leaving her financially stranded, much to the amusement of, well, the rest of the world.

At least she'll be rid of him soon. Hef said: "I love Holly very much and I think we’re going to be together the rest of my life", which probably means the whole thing will be over any day now.

/JP

What's up with OGC?

This bit is officially specifically for my brother, Niklas, who today turns 24 years old (sort of anyway, he's in Australia where it's the ninth at the moment - his birthday - while I'm back in Sweden where it's still the eighth), so congrats to him! He's studying PR, so just for him (ok, so the rest of you can read it too) here's something PR related.

The British Office of Government Commerce (OGC) recently ordered a new logo. At the approximate price of £10,000, this is what they got:



Nothing wrong with that although probably not worth £10,000. Now, if you turn it 90 degrees, you see why it's probably not even worth £10:



I'm guessing whoever designed it thought OGC stood for "One Giant Cock".

/JP

The body of a 12-year old and the brain to match, part II

I just read that Mariah Carey has married Nick Cannon, an actor (and I use the term actor very loosely - his only starring role was in something called "Drumline") eleven years her junior.

They dated for an entire month.

No prenuptial agreement.

Let's take that again, shall we?

She married the guy after having dated him a month, and despite her being worth, oh, a godzillion dollars more than him, didn't sign a prenup?

No matter how good a comedian you are, you just can't make this stuff up, folks.

/JP

April's fools, eh, April 30th?

The ever so bright Vägverket (Swedish Road & Safety, albeit their take on the safety bit can be summed up in one giant speed camera) have decided that the Swedes need a gender neutral crossing sign, or at the very least have 50 % male and 50 % female signs (by which I do not mean one cross dressing sign, although that joke would have worked on so many levels).

No, I'm not joking.

So instead of increasing road safety by improving the roads (of which, according to a recent study, an astounding 50 % failed to meet approvable standards), Vägverket will spend a shitload of money to make 50 % of all crossing signs female? Where does it end? Will we need signs of different colors and shapes as well?

I am fully aware of the fact that me, as a man, writing this might make it hold less weight, but not a single woman (or a married one, for that matter) I've spoken to thinks this is a good idea, nor even one they could have ever dreamed of thinking up themselves.

It is simply that mindblowingly stupid.

If you disagree, I'm willing to bet you are too. Sorry to have to break it to you like this, but yes, you are a fucking retard. Your mom should have told you years ago. Don't blame me.

/JP

Keeping the score

If you've read the "crash course" blog below, you know that Linda Rosing has "decided to stay out of newspapers" and erase that whole "headline Linda" persona.

So far, she's doing really well.

In fact, she's talking about how well she's doing in today's Aftonbladet.

Seems to me she's failing spectacularly yet again. Who would have guessed?

Anyone but herself probably.

/JP

Career? You're in it, mate

As I'm looking to replace a few parts in my kitchen fan, I went to visit K-rauta's website. Behold, two new K-rauta stores are being opened shortly, one in Kungens Kurva and the other in Partille.

Apparently, Swedish Eurovision winner Charlotte Perelli and Idol winner Marie something or other will be there to perform at the events.

I would have loved to hear their agents tell them about the gigs. I'm thinking it went something like this:

Perelli: "Charlotte".
Agent: "Hey, it's Bloodsucker McBoombuff, your agent. I've got a gig for you".
Perelli: "Alright, let's hear it".
Agent: "Two gigs for K-rauta, one in Kungens kurva, the other in Partille".
Perelli: "What the hell? Are you joking? Performing at hardware stores?"
Agent: "Yeah, I thought it'd be a great way to promote the latest album. It'll only take like ten minutes per gig".
Perelli: "No way".
Agent: "I've already signed the contract for you".
Perelli: "You WHAT? Fine, I'll do it, but you are fucking fired".

Marie: "Marie".
Agent: "Hey, it's Jean-Pierre le Poop, your agent. I've got a gig for you".
Marie: "A GIG? WOOOOOOOOT!!!!"
Agent: "It's for K-rauta. They were the only ones willing to book you".
Marie: "A GIG! A GIG! A GIG!"
Agent: "Yeah, but they'll be pa..
Marie: "GIGGETY, GIGGETY, GIG!!"
Agent: "Yeah, but they'll be paying in planks and nails".
Marie: "MOM! SOMEBODY LIKES ME!"

/JP

A huge Bill

I just received one of the funniest spam e-mails I've seen in quite some time. The headline read: "Enlargement made easy, find out why Hillary is still with Bill Clinton". So that's the reason?

I'm guessing that's close, but no cigar.

/JP

The body of a 12-year old and the brain to match

Soul singer Mariah Carey is once again proving herself to be two grapes short of a fruit salad. Carey, 38 years old, recently stated in an interview about the front cover of her new single "Touch my body" that she's got the body of a 12-year old.

I'm willing to bet her maturity reaches even lower levels.

A 12-year old body, posing semi nude on a single called "Touch my body"? Has her career really gone so far down the proverbial toilet she's now targeting the lucrative pedophile segment of the market?

Her record label must be as happy as a penguin in a microwave.

/JP

World class comedy

Venezuela has just decided to stop showing "The Simpsons" as it has been deemed too immoral.

What have they decided to show instead?

Baywatch.

"Yeah, The Simpsons is way too immoral. I want something clean, good old family entertainment, to go with my breakfast. How about some bimbos who can't act worth a shit? Yeah, boobs go well with my cereal".

Some people..

/JP

A crash course

Perhaps the biggest joke in recent Swedish history is Linda Rosing. For those who don't know (of) her, here's a quick recap.

1. Became famous (and I use the term famous very loosely) through Big Brother where she repeatedly had intercourse on live TV.
2. Went on to pose nude in various magazines.
3. Started a pop career, calling herself "Bionda", making a complete ass of herself yet again.
4. Married professional doorman "Fabbe".
5. Became politician, speaking out in various tv-shows and newspapers about how stupid it is to pose nude, how wrong it is to do porn, how women should try education instead of instant gratification. Didn't see the joke in it. Go figure.
6. Having failed at yet another profession, she turned to porn, saying "well, I won't do boy/girl stuff".
7. When the husband was thrown in prison and became unable to support her, she quickly divorced and stated that, come to think of it, she would do boy/girl stuff after all.
8. Broke contract with porn giant "Private", perhaps because it was too hard for her.
9. Became air hostess.

Apparently, this was her "dream profession" all along and her kids are ever so proud of her now that "she's gotten an education". Be that as it may, personally I'm far from confident she'll be able to handle walking up and down the isle asking "coffee or tea?".

She also made a point of saying that she doesn't want to be "headline Linda", she wants to be able to do something well. On one hand, at least she's honest about her previous professional career. On the other, it doesn't seem like a good start saying that she doesn't want to appear in newspapers IN A NEWSPAPER.

/JP

America's next top pornstar

How would you like to get screwed financially as well as sexually?

At present, a pornstar seminar is being held in Florida. Basically, if you are a woman, you pay $4000 to get fucked in front of a camera, receive the (a?) tape, and then get a few tips on how to set up a photoshoot that you could just as easily have found for free online if you only knew how to google.

What kind of intellectual wasteland buys this?

Obviously, the other side of the story is that men can pay $4000, fuck an above-average looking woman (albeit with a vagina the size of Grand Canyon) and then get it on tape. In which case I yet again question the double standards of modern society. Pay someone for sex - go to jail. Pay someone for sex and tape it and you're free to go.

Simply astonishing.

/JP

Random shots

A few weird news stories from the past week..

US scientists have discovered, through extensive research I'm sure, that attractive, successful women are more likely to be drawn to attractive, successful men. So for all you overweight, unemployed, fugly s.o.b.'s out there, Paris Hilton won't be coming knocking on your (mom's) door. In related news: scientists have just discovered that the sky is blue.

After what critics claim to be an allround successful performance in sitcom "How I met your mother", Britney Spears is likely to get her own comedy show. Early entries for possible names of the show include "Trailer park girl", "How I met your lazy ass father" and "Completely fucking LOST".

Also in the news, possibly the world's first pregnant man. Thomas Beatie, a transgender man, claims to be five months pregnant with a baby girl. I don't know how she got him pregnant. Any way you look at it, you would have to assume he's in for a painful delivery.

Lastly, a woman in Germany is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead. She left the hospital furious, but not before having done a number three.

/JP

Model citizen

Sorry for the hiatus, I've been away (obviously).

Straight back to form, I thought I'd rant a bit about the fashion industry. Now, don't get me wrong, I like design. I just think that the industry tends to lose touch with reality every so often. For one, if Amy Winehouse is considered a fashion icon despite her looking like a crack addicted prostitute, chances are good something's rotten in the state of Denmark. The only reason I can find for that whole "whore look" not going out of date is because a whore seldom is out of dates. Want to get the boys to look at you? Dress like you would have sex with anyone for $20! Don't forget to cry all the way home when they don't respect you though.

Accordingly, I have a hard time respecting models, and none more so than these so called lingerie models who, at 16 or so, put in huge implants, bleach their hair and take off their clothes in front of anyone who has a mobile phone camera or above. In essence, these women (and I use the term "women" quite wrongly) are nothing more than oxygen thieves.

A while back I was at a bar and a girl who would fit very well into the category above came up to me. She had huge plastic boobs, pushed up so high that if her nipples stiffened she would probably poke her eyes out.

The girl: "Hi there".
Me: "Hey".
The girl: "I would do anything for you".
Me: "Really? Anything?".
The girl: "Yeah. Is there anything you.. ..would like me to do?".
Me: "Well, you look like you're used to laying down.. ..I could use a new stand for my bike."

Would probably be the cheapest place to park too.

/JP

The smell of sperms

Came across an old episode of one of my favorite shows, QI, in which they discuss the fact that sperms can smell. Just fast forward to 4:30 if you don't want to sit through the first part of the video.

Anyway, according to German scientists, sperm will shoot (poor choice of words perhaps) towards the smell of lily of the valley. Supposedly, this could help those with conception difficulties. Just spray some perfume on your knickers, and you'll be good to go.

How? If the sperms race in unison towards the smell, that would mean they'll just come right back out again like an exploding fountain of semen. Unless you're wearing your panties on the inside which just might be the reason you were having conception difficulties in the first place.

Stephen Fry then adds: "It has long been a mystery how sperm can all go in the same direction so fast at the same time".

No, it hasn't. Unless you ejaculate like a sawed-off shotgun, chances are pretty good they'll all go in the direction you're aiming. It's the same thing as when you're peeing, for crying out loud. There aren't many guys in the world who have to pee in the bathtub in order not to spray the walls with urine.

/JP

On the topic of Carolina Gynning

To recap the background of Miss Gynning for those who don't know her, she is basically Sweden's version of Jade Goody; a former Big Brother contestant who has all the wits of a dead seagull.

This is a woman who removed her implants, coloured her hair dark and then considered herself an intellectual, which in itself is fucking hilarious. Now she's got her own show called "In the head of Carolina Gynning", which I assumed when I first heard the title would be a one hour black screen. Having now seen it, it would for all intents and purposes have been better had that actually been the case. As Stephen Fry would have put it, sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.

Anyway, today Aftonbladet is running a story titled "Så ska Gynning bli Hollywood-stjärna" (This is how Gynning is going to become a Hollywood star). The preamble states that she's going through hard workouts in order to reach "her next big goal". Apparently her next big goal is to get an overweight body to go along with her thick head, because her comment on the gruesome training she's undertaking is "I've eaten so fucking much American junkfood".

Why on Earth would Hollywood want another fat moron? Isn't Roseanne Barr enough?

/JP

My bike takes me places that school never could

I've just learned that a man in Östersund, Sweden, is being charged with sexual assault.. ..on women's bicycles. Apparently, the man slashed the bikes' tires, and then had sex with the seats.

A possible scenario is, he asked the bikes to have sex with him first but they were two tired.

Rather fittingly, I actually saw a guy on a bike earlier today who had a t-shirt that said "More than recreation".

If you say so.

/JP

I can be your hero, baby

NME readers have voted Pete Doherty Hero of The Year. I'm guessing NME stands for "Narcotics Manufacturers Enumeration". Either that or they thought hero was masculine for heroin.

Doherty performed the night before the awards with blood pouring from his nose. He blamed the "injury" on a scrap with his cat. What a pussy.

/JP

One tree Mills

Heather Mills is apparently going to be named one of the world's sexiest women. Her "attractiveness rating had rocketed since she began hammering out a massive divorce settlement from Sir Paul McCartney". I guess he's one unhappy Muccafucker at the moment.

I can't get over the fact that she's getting insane amounts of money for doing, well, what exactly? Spreading her leg?

One of my favorite Mucca moments though, was a couple of months ago when she suggested we should all start milking rats, cats and dogs.

I'm not sure I agree. My dog's only got one teat.

Would take forever to get a full glass out of him.

/JP

Sap du jour, part II

One of my favorite comedians and, as most have figured out, also a great source of inspiration is Jimmy Carr. I recently came across this clip on YouTube of someone trying to heckle him.

Smart move, trying to heckle one the most witty and brilliant comic minds on the planet. Needless to say, the moron was completely destroyed by Carr.

The clip is taken from Jimmy's new live DVD Comedian, which is out now. Highly recommended, as is his book The naked jape - uncovering the hidden world of jokes.

You see, every so often, The Comedy Outsider will actually be good for something.

/JP

Winehouse's hostile takeover of TCO

A lot of the focus lately has been on Amy Winehouse, very much so also in The Comedy Outsider. And, I'm willing to wager, it's not going to stop.

In today's The Sun, there's a story about how her friends fear she's "getting back to her worst", which any way you look at it is about as far from good you can get.

According to the newspaper, she also displayed "mystery marks and spots on her knuckles and hands when she went out to the shops in London this week and bought kids' sweets". Sounds to me she's just been standing on all fours. Perhaps by "crack addiction" she just means "a lot of anal sex". Either way it seems she's getting fucked on a daily basis.

/JP

Judging Amy

Yes, it's official. Amy Winehouse is launching her own line. For once, it's not the kind of line you'd expect.

No, we're talking a new range of cosmetics and fashion products, featuring "all the things that are distinctive of her look". Presumably, that means the cosmetics will smell of alcohol and tobacco, and the clothes will make you look like a prostitute.

A fashion industry source added: "She has become a fashion icon despite not always looking too fresh".

Although only in late February, we already have a winner for understatement of the year.

/JP

Shut up already

A woman sent me an e-mail, complaining about the Winehouse - drug addiction joke I made recently. According to her, it was "cheap".

Don't quite see why, most jokes about drugs are pot shots.

She could have been referring to me calling Mrs Winehouse "aptly named" though. Don't agree with her there either - the woman is an alcoholic. It would be the same if Pete Doherty was called "Crackhouse", Britney Spears was called "Nuthouse" or Kate Moss simply "Flat".

/JP

The short bus

Alright, enough of the rants for the moment. Let's get back to the original idea behind the blog, shall we?

One of the most talked about news stories lately has been the supposed gang of dwarves stealing whatever they can get their little hands on from Swebus' buses. I can't really see the big deal, it's all petty theft anyway.

The person in charge at Swebus stated that "two men, who spoke very poor English, have been seen loading a huge bag into the boot of the bus", drawing the conclusion that there had to have been dwarves inside. "It's the only plausible explanation", she said.

On the positive side, the culprits are probably easy to spot in an identification line up.

/JP

Cry me a river

I was supposed to do a bit on Mucca - I'll probably do that bit tomorrow - but something caught my eye. Something which will lead to another rant, I'm afraid.

19-year old Jenny is in today's Aftonbladet moaning about the tragedy of her life. Basically, she thought the way to fame was to get implants, pose nude and hang around rich people. Rich people who, she later discovered, considered her no more worth than a used piece of toilet paper. Instead of glamour, she found a world filled with alcohol, became just another pawn in the jet set game, and is now back home, pregnant. A tragedy indeed.

Boo fucking hoo.

I cannot understand why this is a tragedy. If you think large implants, blond hair and showing off your breasts for free drinks is something to strive for, you are so fucking stupid you shouldn't be allowed to breed.

For fuck's sake.

/JP

Fuck-up Light

Time for another rant. For her birthday, the girl got one of those Wake-up Lights by Phillips. It is, to be blunt, crap.

Phillips claims the "Wake-up Light is the best option to wake you up naturally."

I would very much like to know how the hell you wake up unnaturally.

Ah, but it "helps you to be ready for your day in a gentle way".

Gentle? The light is strong enough to blind bypassing aeroplanes, for crying out loud.

The alternative option is waking up to "the sound of birds". They failed to say the bird in question was a fucking duck. Adding insult to injury, the background noice is that of pouring water. If you're not gagging for a pee already, trust me, you will be.

So, summing up, a gentle way of waking up according to Phillips, is doing so in a light so bright it'll make Michael Jackson look black, surrounded by raving ducks, possibly laying in a pool of your own urine.

Gentle? Compared to what? A chainsaw up your ass?

/JP

Sounds like Bull

Troubled former soccer star Paul Gascoigne has reportedly spent £16,000 trying to cure his addiction to Red Bull. Apparently "Gazza" was downing 50 cans of the energy drink every DAY.

The most aptly named woman in showbusiness, Amy Winehouse, gave her support, saying: "I know what he's going through. Carbonated soft drinks are dangerous! I can't seem to get rid of my coke addiction".

Dr Carol Cooper stated that a tin of Red Bull has 80mg of caffeine in it, and consuming too much of the stimulant can "make irrational or violent tendencies worse". This has lead to the suspicion that Gascoigne has been addicted to Red Bull for most of his adult life.

/JP

Jessica Simpson, a fattist?

According to an article today, Jessica Simspon is being sued by health oriented company Speedfit. Apparently, she recorded an exercise video for them, but has now changed her mind and is actively working against its release.

If only she had done the same with any of her other movies.

Aptly named Speedfit president Alex Astilean said: "She's hurting millions of fat people in the US".

How? It's not as if they're going to run to the stores to get it anyway.

/JP

Sap du jour

Was sent this clip earlier today. Unfortunately, it's in Swedish. Sorry about that.



Moron.

/JP

Live reading

To commemorate its 100 years of existing, it has proudly been announced that the actors at the Swedish theatre Dramaten will be performing "live theatre" tonight.

As opposed to what exactly?

/JP

Heffalump

According to an article today, Hugh Hefner, 81, is trying to knock his girlfriend Holly Madison, 28, up. Apparently, they want a baby so much, they spend entire days having sex, but alas, so far to no avail.

My guess is he's been using so much Viagra lately, if they spread his ashes to the wind, it'll lead to one hell of a stiff breeze.

Holly said: "We've really been trying. A house and a baby would really make for a great Valentine's gift".

No further comments necessary.

/JP

Shakespeared

Since the last blog wasn't all too witty, I thought I'd make it up to you by recapping Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo: "Oh, Juliet! Where have you been all my life?"
Juliet: "On a fucking balcony."

The End.

/JP

Keeping it short

Pocket Hercules Aditya "Romeo" Dev is according to various sources the world's smallest bodybuilder.

From what one can read in the articles, he earns a living from bodybuilding shows and dancing. The other bodybuilders are said to love him, although I think the phrase used was "nuts over him".

Dev's main ambition is to make London's West End. Personally, I never thought Romeo and Juliet to be a short story.

/JP

Shock and awe

Dolly Parton has apparently named her breasts Shock and Awe, claiming they have been a massive asset to her career. No doubt fitting names considering if she would take her top off, the initial reaction would probably be shock followed by awe (unless you're standing too close, in which case chances are good you'll be awestruck).

The 62-year old Parton said: "They have served me well, I don't know if I'm supporting them or they're supporting me".
Her bra replied: "Neither".

In related news, Keira Knightley named her breasts Barely Impact and Indifference.

/JP

Me, a fattist?

A lady came up to me and complained about that last blog, quite a big boned girl.

She said: "I think you're fattist".
I said: "No.. It was a bloody joke".

Yes, that's a Jimmy Carr reference.

It's probably not right to make fun of overweight people - an elephant never forgets - but let's face it, they do make pretty easy targets. Anyone could get one in.

Heh, that almost sounded like a Paris Hilton joke. It wasn't. She's not fat, just very, very, very thick.

She does sleep with anyone though.

/JP

Throwing his weight around

A while back, there were various reports about a huge man, well over 400 pounds, from Venezuela who had come to Sweden looking for amnesty. For various reasons, the government decided to send him back.

The man responded by threatening to go on a hunger strike.

Well isn't that about fucking time?

If you are so overweight the scales go "to be continued" when you step on them, I'm thinking a hunger strike isn't really going to threaten anyone. Except, perhaps, McDonald's.

If he really wanted to put pressure on the Swedish government, he should have just leaned.

/JP

Prison inmates do The Thriller

Was sent this earlier today. Supposedly one of the most watched Youtube clips of the past year.

Prison inmates do thriller dance.

My girlfriend asked me which one was Michael Jackson.

That's easy. The child molester.

/JP

The enema within

I just noticed the results of the 2007 Darwin Awards are in. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, the Darwin Awards go to people who have removed themselves from the global gene pool via "astounding misapplications of judgment".

The 2007 winner:

Michael, of Texas USA, was, according to his wife, addicted to enemas. He also had an alcohol problem. Bringing the best of his two worlds together, he often used alcohol in said manner. A one way ticket up the lavender passageway to instant inebriation. Alco-hole, as it were, or perhaps rimshot. I digress.

Anyway, one ill-fated evening, good old Michael decided to pour two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, down.. ..well.. ..up the hatch. A normal person will eventually pass out after drinking too much and thus, so to speak, end the intake. In Michael's case, the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. On the bright side, he did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

The butt of the joke indeed.

/JP

Now that's good TV

Britney Spears was just put on suicide watch.

Let's face it, that's one suicide you would watch.

/JP

What on God's green earth?

In today's Dagens Nyheter, you can read about how the Renault Laguna has been voted "most beautiful car of 2007".

I can be witty, but that is some joke.







Renault Flipping Laguna?

Quite.

/JP

Leaving Las Vegas

My girlfriend was watching the original CSI the other day, i.e. the CSI franchise set in Las Vegas. Whenever anything is in Las Vegas, they love to point out that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", don't they?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Excepts with STD's, I would imagine.

/JP

Dealing with telemarketing people

Your phone: "Ring."
You: "Yes?"
Telemarketing person: "Hi, my name is Dave Ja-Vu. Could I have a few minutes of your time?"
You: "Of course. How much do I get paid?"
Telemarketing person: "Wha.. ..ehrm.. ..you don't get paid?"
You: "I see. So you're working pro bono?"
Telemarketing person: "What? No."
You: "Well, that can only mean you believe your time to be more valuable than mine. I can assure you that's not the case. Goodbye."

Thank me later.

/JP

Jamie Oliver, comedian?

One of the funniest things I read last year was that Jamie Oliver, supposedly, had rung up Angelina Jolie to congratulate her on the her new movie, Beowulf. Why I don't know, her performance in the film sucked so hard I left the theatre with a hickie (I suppose you could also go with "it blew so hard I left the theatre looking like Don King", neither of which is really funny, but you know.. Whatever floats your boat.). Anyway, according to the magazine, he mistakenly called her daughter Shiloh Pitt Piloh Shit.

Epic.

Truth be told, I'm not completely convinced he did call her firstborn a heap of poo though. Let's face it, Jamie can be entertaining, but he's not THAT entertaining. Come to think of it, I can't really think of a lot of chefs who are. The one show that stands out is The F Word with Gordon Ramsey which, once every blue moon, can be downright hilarious. I've got nothing against Ramsey, but whenever I see him discussing his cuisine with a guest, it’s like watching Monty Python’s dead parrot skit.

Patron: "I would like to register a complaint."
Gordon: "Yes?"
Patron: "This bread is stale."
Gordon: "No, it’s not."
Patron: "Yes, it is."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s crunchy."
Patron: "Listen mate, it’s like eating a brick."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s got texture."
Patron: "It hasn’t. The holy Bible has got texture. This bread is like eating said book."
Gordon: "Yeah, I know, it’s divine."

Even Bagdad Bob would be impressed.

/JP

Speaking of combovers

How about this one?



/JP

Calling Stephen Fry, part II

"Hairline fracture".

A combover gone terribly wrong?

/JP

Telemarketing people

Telemarketing is one of my biggest pet peeves, no doubts or questions about it. Chances are good I'll rant about it in the future, but right now, I'm simply going to recap a call I received not ten minutes ago.

The background information you need is this: should you look up my father, you'll find two mobile numbers. For various reasons, they actually belong to myself and my brother, respectively. Our father's own number is protected, unlisted, unavailable. You get the idea.

Mobile phone: "Ring, ring, ring.. ..banana phone."
Me: "JP."
Telemarketing woman: "Hi, my name is Johanna. I'm calling for Something-or-other. Is Peter there, please?"
Me: "No, he's not. This is his son speaking."
Telemarketing woman: "He's not? This is his number, isn't it?"
Me: "Technically, yes. In actuality, no. But I'll tell you what, give me your number and I'll pass it along to him."
Telemarketing woman: "I'm sorry, I can't give that to you. We will still need to contact him."
Me: "Yeah, well.. I'm not giving you his. There's a reason it's unlisted."
Telemarketing woman: "I understand. Is this number his (beginning to read me my brother's number)?"
Me: "No, it's not, it's my brother's. And even if it was, I wouldn't say. I just told you five seconds ago I'm not giving you my father's number. What part did you not understand?"
Telemarketing woman: "I'm just saying.."
Me: "You're just saying what?"
Telemarketing woman: "Nevermind, I'll just cross him off the list."
Me: "Yeah, you do that."

Morons.

/JP

Calling Stephen Fry

English isn't my native language, so every now and then, I come across a word or an expression that to the (comedy) outsider doesn't make much sense, if any at all.

As is the case with the use of "late".

Why, oh why, do you call dead people late? "Here's Miss Honeybottom, the widow of the late Lord Honeybottom." Of course he's late, he's d-e-a-d. It's not likely he's going to be early, now is it?

It also begs the question, if it really is better being late than never. I suppose, on a philosophical level, it may well be better being late than never, since late implies you actually were, whereas never implies you weren't. Oh, well. The argument would surely be enough to suck the life out of a kindergarden, so let's just leave it, shall we?

/JP