Seasonal reviews

Well, people. Time has come for TCO to take a one week hiatus and fuck off snowboarding. So, with one last blog post, the 100th of the year as well, it's time to summarize what we've learned over the past twelve months.

We started off in February, with Britney Spears' suicide watch which TCO estimated would have made for some great television.

In March, Carolina Gynning made her first appearance as a result of her show "In the head of Carolina Gynning" which essentially was made up of one hour long episodes featuring nothing but static noise and a blank screen.

April featured one of the biggest jokes in recent history - Linda Rosing - and yet another failure of hers, trying not to be a complete pain in everyone's ass. It lasted for all of five minutes.

In May, the official birthday month of TCO's brother, we learned that "OGC" didn't stand for the Office of Government Commerce, but rather One Giant Cock-up.

Then June and July came along and just like any other newsyear, not much happened. TCO was mainly found riding a sportsbike somewhere in Sweden. Sun was warm. Women were semi nude. Same shit, different year.

TCO then went back into form in August, when it became painfully obvious to even those living in the most remote parts of the world that the Swedish Vägverket (Road & Safety) could easily match any propaganda machine of any time or date.

In September, the brand new Beverly Hills show kicked off with an oral sex scene that, as subtly as an overweight elephant on LSD, told everyone that the new version of the show would suck as much as the old one did.

October seemed to make a claim for most moron filled month of the year, starting off with Hugh Hefner dating a couple of twins who shared a single braincell among them, Sarah Palin being her usual redneck self, the tv-show "Careers on ice" (or perhaps they called it "Stars on ice", I can't seem to remember) and the London olympics featuring Lisa Simpson performing fellatio.

The eleventh month of the year, November brought with it Michael Jackson converting to Islam. Either way you look at it, these days he's really just a pale version of his old self.

Finally, December came along, as usual the black sheep of the year, deciding to show up last while all the other months were long since tired of waiting. Hell, January had almost been here a whole year. Anyway, it was worth the wait as December brought the most bizarre story of the year: Adolf Hitler couldn't get his birthday cake. You would think that's because the "genocidal fuckhead", as Eddie Izzard aptly put it, is long dead, but this was the story of a couple of rednecks naming their children Adolf Hitler, Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. Certain names bring with them certain assumptions - you think, for example, children named "Jeeves" are destined to become butlers - and I'm assuming this trio won't really make it to the White house unless that's what they actually call their trailer park home.


There we are, the year in ten paragraphs. Before we end, there still are the TCO awards to hand out though.

The "Putting the fun in dysfunctional" award of the year goes to: Amy Winehouse.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed on TV at all" award of the year goes to: Carolina Gynning.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed to even speak" award of the year goes to: Linda Rosing.

That's it. Now sod off and have a great news years, everyone!



/JP

Huh? Who's there?

Former Playboy bunny and professional skank Kendra Wilkinson recently left Hugh Hefner and the mansion to go find herself someone else's blood to suck (feel free to substitute "blood" for any other word you might see fit).

Now Hefner is saying he doesn't recognize her anymore, which probably makes for the least surprising headline since "Winehouse goes to rehab".

The man's close to 500 years old. Of course he's fucking senile.

/JP

Christmas greetings

Well, seeing how it's Christmas..

From TCO to all of you:

Ho, ho, fucking ho.

Merry bloody Christmas everyone.

Let's hope you don't get the gift that keeps on giving - Chlamydia. Don't fuck Santa Claus. He's been to every other household in the world. Someone is bound to have had it.

/JP

Sluts in the city redux

TV3 is currently running ads for the start of the creator of "Sex and the city"'s new show "Lipstick jungle".

Apparently, it's about three loose women in New York who battle one night stands, careers and shopping every fucking episode.

So, basically it's exactly the same as Sex and the city only without the horse.

Innovative.

/JP

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Apparently an American quiz show.

Americans smarter than fifth graders?

I'm willing to bet the answer will be "No".

/JP

Holy crap, Batman!

As some of you may know, a new Batman movie is in the works. Obviously, the first one featured Liam Neeson as the villain. The second movie, The Dark Knight, featured an epic - there's no other word for it - portrait of the Joker by the late Heath Ledger.

So you would expect them to go for the best of the best when finding the next Batman villain. An amazing actor, a thespian of seldom seen quality.

Apparently not.

Eddie Murphy will be playing the Riddler.

"Yeah, answer me this, motherfucker. Is that woman a transvestite prostitute and will she be looking for a ride home?"

It's as if they've reasoned that after Ledger's sad death, the Batman movies will only get worse anyway, so fuck it.

/JP

Ho ho fucking ho

Fadde Darwich, probably most famous for being dumped by Linda Rosing (how's that for a claim to fame?), is making himself available as Santa Claus at your house.

Looking for a perfect gift? How about messing up your children for life?

I can see it before me now.

Fadde, in broken English: "Ho, ho, ho! Are there any children here?"
Children: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
Fadde: "No, no, I'm Santa Claus. Have you eaten your shish kebab this year?"

/JP

A disgrace to the human race

And now for a story that almost sounds too funny to be true, but it is.

Adolf Hitler won't be getting a birthday cake.

Yes, this is the story about a child who's been named Adolf Hitler Campbell. His parents wanted to get him a birthday cake with his name on it but, hold on to whatever you've got, the bakery refused. Apparently, this wasn't the first time the family had issues with cakes, Adolf's sisters are called Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. I am not making this up.

The parents can't understand how a name could possibly be considered offensive. In related news, the couple's next child will be called "Child Molestor Jr".

They also claim the swastikas that can be seen on the family's house's walls, pillows, fridges, on their jackets and their car all are "symbols of peace and balance" which is sort of like saying Joseph Fritzl is the symbol of core family values. Taking all things into the equation, I'm estimating the combined IQ of the household to be somewhere around that of a seagull. It's as if the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is long since dead.

If there ever was a need for a bit of chlorine in the gene pool, surely this would be it.

/JP

Cold case

Celine Dion apparently has an embryo in her freezer.

Or "womb" as women from Earth would call it.

/JP

Love actually

A recent study made by the Heriot Watt University of Edinburgh claims romantic movies eventually will destroy your relationships. Apparently, they make you believe in fate and that someone other than a victim of kidnapping will say "you had me at hello".

There are a few flaws in the theory, however.

First off, the study was made in Scotland. Not exactly the world center of romance. For one, they call their females "lassies" which is, honestly, just another way of calling them female dogs.

Secondly, I haven't really seen any studies that show that if you want to save your relationship, Rambo is the way to go. There's nothing that truly says "I love you" like blowing up Vietnamese gerilla in any number of ways, is there?

/JP

Do you make your choices or do your choices make you?

According to sociologist Jan Trost more and more women are "choosing" to be with younger men. He goes on to examplify three cases in point: Helena Seger, Mariah Carey and Demi Moore.

To be honest, that's like choosing the Fritzl family to prove the point that a lot of families prefer to stay at home.

Helena Seger "chose" Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Before she started dating the multi-millionaire football superstar, she was known for exactly jack shit. I'm willing to bet she wouldn't have cared if he was older than her as long as she got all the stuff she's been given now. I mean, she's a football player's wife. The hardest thing in her life is trying to avoid hyperextending her elbow while lifting heavy shopping bags.

Mariah Carey is claiming to have the body of a 12-year old and, truth be told, her mental prowess doesn't really reach beyond prepubescence either. In other words, it's not so much a story of an older woman "choosing" a younger man as it is a story of possible borderline pedophilia on the guy's part.

Finally Demi Moore. Now, granted, she's a very, very, very old woman. However, she's so desperate to look younger she has, and I'm not making this up, even had her knees surgically enhanced. Of course she's going to "choose" a younger man. I wouldn't be surprised if I learned that she bathes in the blood of fifteen underage virgins each week.

/JP

A beautiful truth

I was listening to radio today, and it seems to me radio commercials haven't really gotten better. Radio ads truly are, without a doubt, the bastard child of marketing. One ad in particular stood out amongst the rubble though: It's time to make nominations for Öhrlings-PriceWaterhouseCoopers' and Driftig.nu's award for business woman of the year. It's called the "Beautiful Business Award". Now, can someone please tell me why the fuck it always has to be related to beauty when it comes to women's awards? Why not just call it the "Business Award"? Calling it the "Beautiful Business Award" to me just screams of "yeah, she's gotten amazing results, 40% revenue increases and an additional 60% profit increase, but man, just look at her knockers!".

Apparently, it has to do with Driftig.nu's founders, but considering this is their expert



I'm guessing the proverbial elevator doesn't really reach the top floor. Just add a tad more makeup and she'll be the spitting image of Pennywise.

/JP

Thai rack

The holidays are coming up and a friend of mine is heading to Thailand. Unlike so many others though, she's not going there to buy sex, she's going to visit her relatives. Well, I guess either way she'll end up in a brothel.

I'm joking, of course. But prostitution in Thailand is a real problem, as are the various venereal diseases that the prostitutes carry. They call it Bankok, because if you go there, chances are good your penis will explode.

To me, having sex with a prostitute seems a bit like bungy-jumping. If the rubber breaks, you're dead.

It's not always good to be a positive person, you know.

/JP

Strike three, you're out

Russian Ksenija Suchinova, 21, was recently named Miss World.

Anyone else thinking she's called miss because every single guy in there tried to hit it?

/JP

L is for the way you look at me

I was recently skimming through an Elle magazine at the barber's and came across a girl who posed nude.

The barber was livid.

No, but seriously, I guess she was told it would be artistic and whatnot, but the fact remains: Sometimes the only difference between pubic hairs and public hairs is an "l".

Wait for it.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal.

/JP

Another crack at Winehouse

According to recent articles, Brit Johnny Blagrove thought he'd make a bit of money on the side by selling videos of celebrities doing drugs to magazines willing to pay good money for them, i.e. The Sun.

The plan backfired when the police instead put him away for two years for drug dealing.

Admittedly, it wasn't the best of plans from the start. Considering Winehouse did enough drugs to support a medium sized third world country, selling videos that not only reveal her but you the drug dealer as well for an additional £40,000 - surely pocket change by comparison - is like David Beckham going "No, I haven't got enough money, I'll just sell my right foot on E-bay to make ends meet".

One of the images show Winehouse apparently doing crack:



It got Blagrove in jail and Amy a new range of cosmetics and fashion products. All of a sudden, asking for Junkie XL doesn't necessarily mean you want a record.

It also begs the question how fucked up you have to be to go into a store, buy clothes that make you look like above and consider it an upgrade? It's like Monthy Python's Four Yorkshiremen sketch for crying out loud. The woman looks like she was sodomized by the Ugly stick and once the stick was done, he smoked a cigarette while he called over his friends, Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick. Then Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick double penetrated her while Ugly stick taped it and sold it to The Sun.

For £40,000, obviously.

/JP

Hit me like, baby, like one more time

So, the better half of TCO has just seen "Britney Spears: For the record".

A suitable title, considering the documentary, if you want to call that scripted piece of elephant feces that, was designed for one purpose and one purpose only: To sell her new record.

If there is one thing people should take away from the piece, the "interviewer" asks, what would it be?

"That I'm just like them", Britney replies.

Uhm, no. Last time I checked, I was sane.

She also says that she'll write a book one day. A serious one, she adds.

Yeah, I can see it before me already:

"It was, like, you know, the best of times, it was like the worst of, eh, times; it was the like age of, uh, what's that big word again.. ..wizards?"

/JP