A neighbourhood watch or a peeping Tom?
/JP
Thursday 26 February 2009
Wednesday 25 February 2009
If at first you don't succeed, part II
Just to keep you all updated, previously blogged about Cha has now failed yet another four times, making it thus far 775 failed attempts at passing the written part of the Korean driver's exam.
That is all.
/JP
That is all.
/JP
Sunday 22 February 2009
If life gives you lemons
In an obviously, as Russel Howard put it, "piss your pants funny" moment, a friend of mine just told me he's gotten a mosquito bite in his ass. No, not on it. In it. I have no idea how he ended up with a bite just millimetres from the actual entrance to the lavender passageway. Perhaps he decided to write a W on each cheek and go "WOW" in front of what turned out to be a not-so-impressed bug, I don't know.
Anyway, apparently it's itching like crazy and he asked me what to do.
Obviously, the way to stop a mosquito bite from itching is to rub it with lemon.
I'm just picturing his girlfriend, walking into the bathroom only to find him with a citrus fruit firmly clenched between his buttocks.
"Hey, have you.. ..WHOA! What the FUCK are you doing?!?"
"I'm er.. ..the world's first human juice press."
Want to bet his ass won't be the only thing in the bathroom turning sour?
/JP
Anyway, apparently it's itching like crazy and he asked me what to do.
Obviously, the way to stop a mosquito bite from itching is to rub it with lemon.
I'm just picturing his girlfriend, walking into the bathroom only to find him with a citrus fruit firmly clenched between his buttocks.
"Hey, have you.. ..WHOA! What the FUCK are you doing?!?"
"I'm er.. ..the world's first human juice press."
Want to bet his ass won't be the only thing in the bathroom turning sour?
/JP
David Mitchell's soapbox commentary, parts I and II
British comedian David Mitchell is currently doing a series of, well, commentaries on daily life, I suppose, for Meet the bulldog.
As it so happens, I'm doing a series of, well, commentaries on these commentaries. I will be giving my two cents on his two cents after every episode. Obviously, you'll have to listen to his ramblings to make any sense of mine, but since David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian, you can rest safely assured that his videos are brilliant as well. In other words, it won't be a duty as much as a pleasure. Not taking into account that the last sentence sounded like an advert for pornstar recruiting, let's get straight to it.
In his first episode, Mitchell asked for advice on how to remove a mouse from his house. This had to be done without killing said rodent. My suggestion - tell the mouse to move to Alan Carr's house. If the mouse doesn't care about the possibility of a pussy free haven, lure it into a closet. With any luck, there will actually be a lion in there. If not, the mouse will come out of the closet, and you can once again try Alan Carr's house.
In the second episode, Mitchell spoke about the impossibility of giving women flowers without it having to mean something romantically. Personally, I've always thought it was more a question of context, but I suppose it varies from culture to culture. Anyway, if in fact the flowers have meaning, what do they say? A dozen red roses - you want to take her in front of a fireplace with classic music playing softly in the background? A cactus - you're Max Mosley and you vill have ze bottom zpanked NOW, SCHNELL?
/JP
As it so happens, I'm doing a series of, well, commentaries on these commentaries. I will be giving my two cents on his two cents after every episode. Obviously, you'll have to listen to his ramblings to make any sense of mine, but since David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian, you can rest safely assured that his videos are brilliant as well. In other words, it won't be a duty as much as a pleasure. Not taking into account that the last sentence sounded like an advert for pornstar recruiting, let's get straight to it.
In his first episode, Mitchell asked for advice on how to remove a mouse from his house. This had to be done without killing said rodent. My suggestion - tell the mouse to move to Alan Carr's house. If the mouse doesn't care about the possibility of a pussy free haven, lure it into a closet. With any luck, there will actually be a lion in there. If not, the mouse will come out of the closet, and you can once again try Alan Carr's house.
In the second episode, Mitchell spoke about the impossibility of giving women flowers without it having to mean something romantically. Personally, I've always thought it was more a question of context, but I suppose it varies from culture to culture. Anyway, if in fact the flowers have meaning, what do they say? A dozen red roses - you want to take her in front of a fireplace with classic music playing softly in the background? A cactus - you're Max Mosley and you vill have ze bottom zpanked NOW, SCHNELL?
/JP
Saturday 14 February 2009
The gift that keeps on giving
Well, today is Valentine's. All over the world, men are stricken by panic by that very fact as they realize it's V-day and they still haven't bought anything. Luckily, I just heard a radio ad that claimed to have "the perfect gift".
The ad went - and I'm not making this up - "Dildooo, dildooo, dildooo. Buy your sex toys at [insert store name here], it's the perfect Valentine's gift."
Right. Nothing says "I love you" like a prosthetic cock.
"Oh, is that my present?"
"Why yes, dear. It is."
"Oh, darling."
"I knew you had been drooling over that Dior necklace the better part of a year now, but just as I was going to buy it, I decided to give you something really special instead; the perfect gift."
"What, well.. The necklace would have sufficed."
"No, no.. You're worth nothing less than the best. So here it is, the Assdestructor 2000 - a 15 inch black vibrator featuring twelve speed settings and a rotating glans. Ribbed for your pleasure."
/JP
The ad went - and I'm not making this up - "Dildooo, dildooo, dildooo. Buy your sex toys at [insert store name here], it's the perfect Valentine's gift."
Right. Nothing says "I love you" like a prosthetic cock.
"Oh, is that my present?"
"Why yes, dear. It is."
"Oh, darling."
"I knew you had been drooling over that Dior necklace the better part of a year now, but just as I was going to buy it, I decided to give you something really special instead; the perfect gift."
"What, well.. The necklace would have sufficed."
"No, no.. You're worth nothing less than the best. So here it is, the Assdestructor 2000 - a 15 inch black vibrator featuring twelve speed settings and a rotating glans. Ribbed for your pleasure."
/JP
Thursday 12 February 2009
Redneck high culture
Stand aside, barber of Seville. The life of Anna-Nicole Smith is about to become an opera.
"It is not going to be a horrible, sleazy evening," Elaine Padmore, Covent Garden's director of opera told the Guardian. "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad.
In other words, everything she was in life, the opera won't be. Everything she wasn't, short of sad, the opera will be.
Next in line: Joseph Fritzl, the opera. Supposedly featuring an uplifting story, the opera is going to be performed out in the open, and people will be able to come and go as they like.
/JP
"It is not going to be a horrible, sleazy evening," Elaine Padmore, Covent Garden's director of opera told the Guardian. "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad.
In other words, everything she was in life, the opera won't be. Everything she wasn't, short of sad, the opera will be.
Next in line: Joseph Fritzl, the opera. Supposedly featuring an uplifting story, the opera is going to be performed out in the open, and people will be able to come and go as they like.
/JP
Better late than never
Nadya Suleman has been seen a lot in the media recently. Yes, she's the single mother of six who, despite numerous warnings, decided to have eight more children through IVF. At once.
Now, it's being reported that she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie. As a result, her mental health is being questioned.
If you are keeping score at home, this is a woman who has been in and out of psychiatric wards, decided to have eight kids at once despite already having six and NOW her mental health is being questioned because she might be obsessed with Angelina Jolie? If anything, it sounds to me as if she's obsessed with Kerry Ketona. Either way, it has to be better than Mickey Rourke wanting to look like "The Thing" out of Fantastic 4. Or Donatella Versace wanting to look like Mickey Rourke, for that matter.
Regardless, surely there were other signs the elevator didn't really reach the top floor, such as - I'm taking wild shots here - the recorded mental instability and having an additional eight children at once to go with the previous six?
Amazing.
/JP
Now, it's being reported that she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie. As a result, her mental health is being questioned.
If you are keeping score at home, this is a woman who has been in and out of psychiatric wards, decided to have eight kids at once despite already having six and NOW her mental health is being questioned because she might be obsessed with Angelina Jolie? If anything, it sounds to me as if she's obsessed with Kerry Ketona. Either way, it has to be better than Mickey Rourke wanting to look like "The Thing" out of Fantastic 4. Or Donatella Versace wanting to look like Mickey Rourke, for that matter.
Regardless, surely there were other signs the elevator didn't really reach the top floor, such as - I'm taking wild shots here - the recorded mental instability and having an additional eight children at once to go with the previous six?
Amazing.
/JP
Tuesday 10 February 2009
Buy a mac
In the light of the Brand/Ross incident in the UK, it seems the PC society of America is making its way across the pond to Europe. A recent local sign was a number of complaints Swedish comedian (and I use the term comedian quite loosely) Petra Mede received for the following joke at the Swedish Eurovision qualifications:
"So, I hear your dream is to become like Ella Fitzgerald? Fat and with diabetes?"
Now, as Jimmy Carr - and as most know I share his opinion - said, humor is like sexual preference, nobody can tell you what to like. To me, Petra Mede has always been the equivalent of masturbating with a cheese grinder; slightly amusing, but mostly painful. Still, I have to defend her right to tell the joke.
Basically every single joke is built the same way. First, the comedian makes a statement which leads the audience into making an assumption. The comedian then, in what is often called the "punchline", says something that will reveal to the audience that the assumption they made was erroneous. As a result they will, hopefully, laugh. The reason I find most Swedish comedians horrendously dull is that I can see the punchline coming a mile away, so the assumption turns out to be correct. Anyway, I digress.
Now, to say that you don't like a certain joke or that you find it offensive is perfectly fine. However, you have to keep in mind that offense is taken, not given. You cannot demand that everyone else should share your views, that nobody else should find the joke funny. Such a demand is not only incredibly egocentric, it's also absurd. Everything that's on TV or radio cannot possibly float your boat, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be allowed.
The people who complained about this joke did so because it was the only joke she did that affected them and, I'm quite certain, it also fitted their agenda. To me though, it also seems quite counterproductive. The people who complained said that they had been trying to tell their children that diabetes is nothing to be ashamed about - of course it's not - but through their complaints, what they are really saying to their children is that it is. As usual though, it's much easier to put the blame on someone else than to take it yourself.
/JP
"So, I hear your dream is to become like Ella Fitzgerald? Fat and with diabetes?"
Now, as Jimmy Carr - and as most know I share his opinion - said, humor is like sexual preference, nobody can tell you what to like. To me, Petra Mede has always been the equivalent of masturbating with a cheese grinder; slightly amusing, but mostly painful. Still, I have to defend her right to tell the joke.
Basically every single joke is built the same way. First, the comedian makes a statement which leads the audience into making an assumption. The comedian then, in what is often called the "punchline", says something that will reveal to the audience that the assumption they made was erroneous. As a result they will, hopefully, laugh. The reason I find most Swedish comedians horrendously dull is that I can see the punchline coming a mile away, so the assumption turns out to be correct. Anyway, I digress.
Now, to say that you don't like a certain joke or that you find it offensive is perfectly fine. However, you have to keep in mind that offense is taken, not given. You cannot demand that everyone else should share your views, that nobody else should find the joke funny. Such a demand is not only incredibly egocentric, it's also absurd. Everything that's on TV or radio cannot possibly float your boat, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be allowed.
The people who complained about this joke did so because it was the only joke she did that affected them and, I'm quite certain, it also fitted their agenda. To me though, it also seems quite counterproductive. The people who complained said that they had been trying to tell their children that diabetes is nothing to be ashamed about - of course it's not - but through their complaints, what they are really saying to their children is that it is. As usual though, it's much easier to put the blame on someone else than to take it yourself.
/JP
Saturday 7 February 2009
Into the closet
A general rule of thumb is that girls who pose nude - I suppose the same would be true for guys who pose nude as well - aren't too bright.
In fact, most of the times you doubt the bulb working at all.
Case in point:
What a star.
/JP
In fact, most of the times you doubt the bulb working at all.
Case in point:
What a star.
/JP
Friday 6 February 2009
If at first you don't succeed
..maybe skydiving isn't for you.
However, if at first you don't succeed when taking the written part of the driver's exam, how about another 770 tries?
This is the story of a 68-year old Korean woman called "Cha" who, back in 2005, decided she should get a driver's license. She failed the written exam. Tried again. Failed. Tried anew. Failed yet again. Tried an additional 768 times. Failed each and every one of them. It must be said, an achievement in its own right.
However, sometimes there are subtle hints that certain activities might not be for you. For example, Gordon Brown - the Droopy of politics - might not make a great lingerie model considering nature gave him the face of a scrotum and the body of a sack of potatoes. Failing a test close to 800 times is a hint as subtle as an exploding grenade in a China store.
Just give it up already and hire a chauffeur.
/JP
However, if at first you don't succeed when taking the written part of the driver's exam, how about another 770 tries?
This is the story of a 68-year old Korean woman called "Cha" who, back in 2005, decided she should get a driver's license. She failed the written exam. Tried again. Failed. Tried anew. Failed yet again. Tried an additional 768 times. Failed each and every one of them. It must be said, an achievement in its own right.
However, sometimes there are subtle hints that certain activities might not be for you. For example, Gordon Brown - the Droopy of politics - might not make a great lingerie model considering nature gave him the face of a scrotum and the body of a sack of potatoes. Failing a test close to 800 times is a hint as subtle as an exploding grenade in a China store.
Just give it up already and hire a chauffeur.
/JP
Musical madness
And now for something completely different.
Örebro public musical school, performing "Also Sprach Zarathusthra" to the images of Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey".
Sounds like an elephant being anally raped.
/JP
Örebro public musical school, performing "Also Sprach Zarathusthra" to the images of Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey".
Sounds like an elephant being anally raped.
/JP
Thursday 5 February 2009
A sign of the recession
As someone who's in the field of corporate finance, here's as sure a sign of the recession as anything:
Yes, I'm referring to Linda Rosing's new TV-show.
They obviously hired the cheapest woman they could find.
/JP
Yes, I'm referring to Linda Rosing's new TV-show.
They obviously hired the cheapest woman they could find.
/JP
Stealing common knowledge
Recently, things have been unusually quiet on the Spersian front. Now though, Britney is back in the headlines, this time as a result of the claimed theft of her diaries.
Apparently, this is a disaster to Spears as the diaries contained information on her recent troubled past.
Let me make this perfectly clear: There is nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero, nought that the world, and any other alien empires that may be watching, does not know about your past, Britney. If anyone was to print an encyclopedia over the published details of your redneck existence, there wouldn't be a tree left on the planet.
/JP
Apparently, this is a disaster to Spears as the diaries contained information on her recent troubled past.
Let me make this perfectly clear: There is nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero, nought that the world, and any other alien empires that may be watching, does not know about your past, Britney. If anyone was to print an encyclopedia over the published details of your redneck existence, there wouldn't be a tree left on the planet.
/JP
Wednesday 4 February 2009
Pure pornography
Dear readers. If you ever find yourselves having too much money and think that a good idea to fix the problem would be giving TCO a little something to show your appreciation - or whatever other reason may float your boat - I wouldn't mind the latest release from Aston Martin. The Vantage V12.
Now that is a biblically beautiful car.
/JP
Now that is a biblically beautiful car.
/JP
Tuesday 3 February 2009
Snowjob
As most know, the UK has been "paralysed" by what the Brits call a "snowstorm". Planes are unable to take off or land, schools close (much to the parents' fury) and basically it's a state of emergency. Three snowflakes and the government declares martial law.
Snow that barely gets above the soles of your shoes isn't a problem.
It's like discussing history (although the argument stands on basically any topic apart from how to get fat) with an American.
"Yeah, this placed was established all the way back in 1978. It's very old."
Get a sense of perspective already.
/JP
Snow that barely gets above the soles of your shoes isn't a problem.
It's like discussing history (although the argument stands on basically any topic apart from how to get fat) with an American.
"Yeah, this placed was established all the way back in 1978. It's very old."
Get a sense of perspective already.
/JP
Sluts in the city redux, part III
And for the final installment of this three part miniseries, Aftonbladet is reporting today that women, in a to TCO quite disturbing trend, have started liposucking their calves as well as mutilating their feet.
The reason? To be able to fit in their latest pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos. Oh, that's designer shoes, btw.
Where was this whole thing started? Where were these shoes made popular?
You guessed it.
Sex and the city.
Setting a great example for women everywhere since 1998.
/JP
The reason? To be able to fit in their latest pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos. Oh, that's designer shoes, btw.
Where was this whole thing started? Where were these shoes made popular?
You guessed it.
Sex and the city.
Setting a great example for women everywhere since 1998.
/JP
Sunday 1 February 2009
Sluts in the city redux, part II
A while back, TCO wrote about the show "Lipstick jungle", essentially exactly the same show as Sex in the city only without the horse.
As - we're guessing here - TCO's official brother commented, there is also a second carbon copy show called Cashmere mafia.
However, in a weird and, let's be honest about it, unusual display of good taste, the networks have decided to cancel both shows.
An obvious display of the power and influence of TCO, no doubt.
Anyone want any other show cancelled? I'll be in the bar drinking celebratory champagne should you need me.
/JP
As - we're guessing here - TCO's official brother commented, there is also a second carbon copy show called Cashmere mafia.
However, in a weird and, let's be honest about it, unusual display of good taste, the networks have decided to cancel both shows.
An obvious display of the power and influence of TCO, no doubt.
Anyone want any other show cancelled? I'll be in the bar drinking celebratory champagne should you need me.
/JP
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