Eyes wide slut

Recently, TCO has discovered a trend among, shall we say, women of lesser intellect; They open their eyes as wide as possible when speaking. I say speaking, but I suppose chirping is closer to the truth. If it is a result of them only being able to do one thing at a time, either blinking or speaking, I do not know. What I do know is that it makes them look quite.. ..psychotic.

Cases in point - although they both have managed to keep their mouths shut, for the first time in ages, while the photos were taken.

Magdalena Graaf:



Carolina Gynning:



Of course, then there's Linda Rosing who just looks like Dolph Lundgren with a wig and make-up.



/JP

Giving it all she's got, captain

In what is sure to spice up the Trek conventions (or whatever you call them), Star Trek is going pornographic.

Apparently, Hustler will be launching a porn version of the old TV-series. So, in an attempt at IKEA jokes - assemble them yourselves - here are a few, actual, quotes from the old series. Now picture them being said in a porn setting.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" -- Kirk
"That's not very damn funny." -- McCoy (Star Trek III)

"Don't call me Tiny." -- Sulu (Star Trek III)

"Spock, where the hell's the power you promised?" -- Kirk
"One damn minute, admiral" -- Spock (Star Trek IV)

"Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons." -- Spock, to Kirk (Star Trek V)

"You look quite well for a man that's been 'utterly destroyed', Mr. Spock." -- Kirk (Patterns of Force)


How about this episode title?

"I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget." -- McCoy (Space Seed)


And finally for a line that is wrong on so many levels:

"Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do....spank it?" -- McCoy (Star Trek: TMP)

/JP

English 101

According to the current rules in Britain, migrants are required to know English.

Basically, it comes down to this: Under a "points" system, there are three main categories of immigrants coming to Britain from outside the EU to work, which are "highly skilled", "skilled" and "low-skilled" workers. The first two groups can eventually settle permanently in Britain; the third cannot. Basically, what they are saying is: "We'll take your lawyers, doctors and people who actually contribute. The poor, uneducated feckers can skive off to the US".

For some professions though, it all seems a bit redundant to me. For example, how the hell are you supposed to do well in a British court if you don't know the language? In any situation where you have to rely on language as your tool of trade, it would be an oxymoron calling you "highly skilled" if you didn't have the brains to be bothered to actually learn how to speak, read and write.

Customs officer: Alright, where you from?
Man: India.
Customs officer: Business or pleasure?
Man: I'm actually considering migrating here.
Customs officer: Really? Well, eh.. What do you work with? We've already got a ton of curry places, you know.
Man: I'm a comedian.
Customs officer: You know you have to be able to speak English, right?
Man: You know, I'm not sure my material will work here, but honestly, I doubt telling the jokes in hindi will help.

/JP

OT: TO

And now for a football joke. If you don't know your NFL, move along.

Terrell Owens has missed the start of the Bills voluntary offseason conditioning program this week, which didn't come as a shock to, well, anyone.

The reason? He is to receive an award at sixth annual National Alzheimer's Gala.

Unlike the Bills though, they have a reason for forgetting what an asshole he is.

/JP

In the news

And now for a quick recap of some of the latest stories.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson recently became a mother, giving birth to twins. TCO assumes she had an easy birth considering she was fully dilated even before getting pregnant.

A red wine that doesn't get give you hangovers has just been released. TCO notes that if you base your wine purchases on which bottle will give you the least headache the following day, chances are good you're an alcoholic.

According to a recent study, right wing Christian conservatives and mormons do the most porn surfing, or "browsing for gentlemen's selected reading" as I believe some call it. TCO tried to reach the anti-porn movement "American Mothers" for a comment, but without success as they were all busy watching a German teen fornicating with a midget.

Finally, Keira Knightley was nearly killed by a herd of cows. Apparently the story does not involve a mob of fat women with PMS, as mad cow disease has been ruled out of question. Since the event, Knightley has reportedly developed a strong resentment towards cows, becoming what you might call lactose intolerant.

/JP

I came, I sawed, I went to the hospital

Every so often, a story comes along to prove once more that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter.

Yes, this is the story of a woman who, presumably along with her partner, decided it would be a grand idea to attach a dildo to a saber saw blade. That's right, not just the power tool, but the actual blade. Naturally, the saw cut through the plastic toy and into her.

Investigators spoke to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

I would argue, however, that it has to be a crime to be that stupid.

"Darling, I just had this great idea. You know you've been saying you'd like to spice up our sexlife? Well, I went down to the local Wal-Mart and got this saber saw. What I thought was, if you attach that Assdestructor 2000 I gave you for Valentine's to the blade, it'll be like being fucked by the Energizer bunny on speed and Viagra. Alright, I've prepared it.. Just spread wide, dear.. That's it. Oh, baby. I've never heard you scream like this before."

/JP

Just quit already

Alright, time for another non comical piece. What I am about to write might cause a bit of controversy, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.

For better or worse, I have never really seen the humor in shows like "Balls of steel". Perhaps I'm too much of an academic to see the fun in acting like a complete retard, I don't know.

Case in point, Swedish comedian Nour El-Refai, a woman completely void of good judgment - any other explanation escapes me - was two years ago convicted of sexual harassment after having shown her breasts to a man. It was supposed to be a joke for the Swedish version of Balls of steel, but nobody saw the humor in it. Now, she's at it again. Apparently, while recording an upcoming edition of the show, she showed her vagina to tourists while yelling "women have hairy pussies, this is how it looks".

Now, please tell me how that is fucking funny.

A year ago Nour took a lot of heat for her performances at the Swedish Eurovision tryouts. I actually defended her publically, stating that humor is like sexual preference and that even though a majority of people don't find her funny, you cannot draw the conclusion that nobody does. However, I will back her up no more. It has become ever so apparent that if there ever was an exception to the rule, she would be it.

I don't know if her act is a cry for attention or a call for help. I honestly wouldn't rule the latter out, in which case this whole thing is downright tragic. Either way, for the love of all that is holy, change your career, Nour. Right now, you are a disgrace to yourself as well as to the entire world of comedy and, despite not having a funny atom in your entire body, a complete and utter joke. To make matter worse, there isn't anything even remotely funny about that either.

/JP

You're so good-looking

According to two British doctors, sneezing can be a sign of sexual arousal. Apparently, the whole thing stems from a man who sneezed when thinking of sex and the doctors then reportedly found "several men and women" who suffered from the same problem. Furthermore, the doctors found three persons who claimed to sneeze after orgasm. Despite only two actual cases ever having been published - any made up pornographic novels notwithstanding - the doctors drew the conclusion that this is a common issue.

TCO is officially calling BS on the whole thing.

How many times have you heard your partner reaching sexual climax with the words "Ah, ah, AH, ACHOOO!"? I would bet you have, during the act of love making, said "Oh, God" a lot more times than you have said "Bless you".

Granted, there are sure to be a handful of evolutionary fuckups where the genetical wiring isn't what it should be, but a common issue? Right. That's like the reaction from those magazines your friends used to read when you were in your early teens, such as "KP" for the Swedes.

"Dear KP. I have a slight problem. I decided to put my penis inside our neighbor's puppy Fred. At first it felt good, but then I realized I was allergic to dogs. My penis got all green and weird and funny smelling, so I drenched it in acetone. Now it's a sort of red-green mix, still weird and funny smelling and it burns when I pee. The cat is also looking at me with an unusual look of fear and contempt. What should I do? Sam, age 10.

Dear Sam. This is perfectly normal."

As if.

/JP

Mosebacke Anarchy

And now for an important message for our Swedish readers. Well, a message anyway. I suppose you don't have to be Swedish to read it, being able to read Swedish will surely do it. Or knowing someone who can. Fuck it, here goes.

Glöm inte att kika på den nya humorsatsningen som TCO, tillsammans med andra, kommer vara del av; Mosebacke Anarki. Lika delar humor, cynism, ironi och satir. Intas lättast med en nypa salt.

That is all. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

/JP

I went on the internet, part II

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the reason why farting in a gimp suit isn't a good idea.



/JP

A line drawn in the sand

The struggle for power over Madagascar is becoming more intense with every passing day.

Apparently, King Julien's flamboyant style of leading has finally gotten old and Maurice has started an outbreak group of gerilla insurgents.

/JP

Dial G for God

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong (how's that for a name?) has received world-wide attention after setting up what he claims is a direct line, a hotline as it were, to God.

Apparently, you dial the number and then get an answering machine saying that you've reached God, but that he isn't in at the moment. If you leave a message, who knows, he might get back to you.

How funny would it be to change that message to all of a sudden just go "WHAT?!? I'm fucking trying to sleep here! For the love of myself, will you people ever just shut the hell up? Jesus Christ.. No, not you, son."?

/JP

Not a cat burglar

In Australia - where else, I suppose - a family suddenly found a kangaroo in its home. Apparently, the large marsupial had, somehow, managed to jump through a window and onto a bed.

A story in itself, perhaps, but the headlines it has generated are downright amazing.

Aftonbladet: "Kangaroo breaks into house with small children".

The Times' is even better: "Terror spree of ninja kangaroo".

Apparently, you were wrong thinking that it was the story of a herbivor with, I'm guessing, some sort of eyesight issue. If anything, it sounds like a highly skilled Japanese covert sexual predator.

The family father said: "When it was all over I had a few scratches on my legs, and there wasn't much left of my underwear."

I wouldn't be surprised if the kangaroo ended up being Gary Glitter in a furry jumpsuit.

/JP

You would be better off blind

And now for a public service announcement.

TCO's official girlfriend has once again sat through an entire episode of Linda Rosing's tv show because, in her words, "there wasn't anything on". I decided, against better judgment, to watch a few minutes. As a result, I'm officially warning anyone and everyone who hasn't seen it.

It was the most braindead, retarded piece of television I have ever come across. Honestly, I feel as if my eyes have been raped.

Now, we all know Linda Rosing is as bright as a broken bulb. What kind of guys would you think wants to date her? That's right. Morons.

Honestly, I would eat my gentleman's vegetables before I ever watch that shit again.

Fucking hell.

/JP

Rimshot

Petra Mede, at the Swedish Eurovision qualifications, did the following joke:

"Caroline af Ugglas is an amazing woman. She's a mother, writes her own songs, has horses, her own choirs and much more. I don't understand how she does it. I have problems even keeping my personal hygiene in check".

And yet she stinks.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.

/JP

A cheap date

I was just watching the Swedish elite league playoffs (hockey) on Channel 5. It just so happens it's the same channel that airs Linda Rosing's show. During the commercials, I saw a trailer for said show. Apparently, Rosing was, along with her hopefuls, going to Prague.

I kid you not, she was making out with every single one of them. One of them actually had his camera out while they were doing it. It was like Alien vs Sexual Predator.

I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as the plane landed, one of her labias said to the other: "Alright, I'll see you in a week then".

Amazing.

/JP

Break a leg

And now, TCO is happy to announce, it's back to comedy after a few blogs that can most easily be described as thoughts from a loudmouth malcontent.

To put us on the right track, a Chilean man was arrested after his broken leg was found to be clad in a cast made from cocaine.

That is just epic.

The man presumably broke his own leg in order to fool the X-rays. Only he forgot they have dogs too.

Ironically, we're all now thinking he probably was plastered.

/JP

Another great role model

Kija Habibzadeh, a woman working part time at a youth recreation centre, has just been fired. The reason being, according to Aftonbladet, that she's a model.

However, actually reading the article, you find out that the woman, an ex docusoap star (and I use the term "star" quite loosely), has a website featuring, among other things, images of her in latex and fetisch outfits, as well as nude ones. The website even says that the images are for adults only.

Habibzadeh's own take: "Is it wrong to be a good looking youth recreation centre leader? They're not porn images and we're talking about a mother. She's either jealuous or racist!"

Yes, obviously. That must be it. Adult-only images of nudity, latex and fetisches, that's not porn. And posing nude, in latex and various fetisches, that's not posing for porn, that's, eh, er, ehm, glamour modelling!

Glamour modelling. That's like calling McDonalds "fine dining". Any way you look at it, it's still cheap crap though.

/JP

Game, set, match

Backhand. Forehand. Backhand. Chris Brown really is beating the crap out of Rihanna.

Yes, it's been all over the news by now. Chris Brown apparently beat the living daylights out of his girlfriend, Rihanna.

Her response? Marriage, perhaps?

Apparently, the way to win a girl's heart is to smash her face in. Nothing says "I love you" like two across the eyes. A huge dildo the obvious lone exception.

Do you think he'll stop? I'm willing to bet he won't. Abusive men seldom do. Yet the women keep coming back. Time after another. It's amazing.

A so called expert recently said that we shouldn't blame the women since they're not the ones doing the beating. Of course not, but they do come back. It's like standing in the middle of a heavily trafficked highway and saying that you shouldn't be blamed if you get run over because you're not doing the driving. While that may be true, your chances of not getting hit at all improve dramatically if you use the sidewalk. The same goes for these women. If you beat your girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, you are a pathetic excuse for a man who should be imprisoned. If you have an abusive boyfriend and keep coming back, not telling anyone nor seeking help, you are a moron. End of story.

Either way, as Jimmy Carr once said: "Why beat your own girlfriend? That's like keying your own car."

/JP

Wacko Jacko's not backo

Just the other day, you could find headlines in most newspapers about what was going to be the triumphant return of Michael Jackson.

Not so fast.

It turns out everyone was wrong. In a news conference that took place just minutes before this very blog was written, Jackson said he'd do ten more gigs in London, then leave the stage for good.

I'm guessing the number "ten" was chosen since it's not unlikely that's the magic line where Jackson loses interest. And yes, you know what I'm getting at.

Can't say I care all that much. As I've said before, Jackson is just a pale version of his old self anyway.

Another comeback in the news recently, Britney Spears has given her first concert in quite some time. According to various reports, she was a smash hit and is now "back", as the saying goes. An interesting sentiment considering she didn't even sing at the event.

Anyway, it reminds me of an old, very bad joke I came up with.

"Why did Britney Spears shave her head? She went on a G.I. diet."

/JP

What a bust

Although it surely cannot have come as a surprise to, well, anyone , Linda Rosing's new show is turning out to be a massive flop.

For those keeping score at home, Rosing has now failed at everything she has ever attempted. Cha, beware.

/JP

David Mitchell's soapbox commentary, part III

In his third soapbox rant, David Mitchell goes on about Wales. Not the fact that it's a useless piece of land where people spell with complete disregard to common decency. Surely calling a town Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, for example, is plain rude? "Llanfair" would have sufficed.

No, contrary to what some of you may have thought, Mitchell doesn't belittle the country but rather shows an unusual amount of appreciation.

Me, I've never been to Wales, so I couldn't care less. Some comedian suggested dropping an atomic bomb on the place - I'm guessing it was Jimmy Carr - which would probably lead to, what, five quid worth of damage?

/JP

Green of, eh, something

TCO's official girfriend was browsing through the TV channels earlier and came across Linda Rosing's new show which was, it must be said, a new low for modern television. And yes, that is saying something.

Anyway, I looked at her, and I couldn't help thinking I've seen her somewhere before.



And then it hit me.



/JP