A class act

A while back, TCO reported on the Linda Rosing birthday party which, according to the guest of honor, was to be an event of class and glamour.

Here's a classy and glamorous picture, taken at the event.



Apparently, Max the stripper had just put lotion (that's the official version anyway) in her hands and asked her to rub his penis.

I'm guessing the closest she has ever gotten to class is detention. I mean, if you were to look up the word class, chances are you wouldn't find an image of her for a number of reasons.

1 ) Most dictionaries don't have pictures.
2) Even if you are the sort of moron who has pictures in his or her dictionary, chances are the pictures will still be child-friendly.
3) If there ever was any doubt - there wasn't - she has now clearly shown she is the antonym of class.

/JP

To mend a broken heart, you obviously don't need superglue

Lost love? Broken heart? Don't worry, Hugh Hefner has the cure.

All you need is a 22-year old, surgically enhanced blonde and two 19-year old, surgically enhanced twin blondes, and you're good to go.

It also probably doesn't hurt if you've got a couple of hundred million dollars stashed away, I'm guessing.

/JP

If I ruled the world

On the way in to work today, I found myself standing next to none other than Linda Rosing.

I swear, the plastic surgeon who did her face must have used nothing else than botox and a ruler.

She looks like a large breasted version of Kryten.

Blech.

/JP

No. Dear Lord, no.

Isabella "Blondinbella" Löwengrip has much to the delight of TCO decided to shut down her blog. A battle won in the war against stupidity, but the fight goes on.

Sadly though, she apparently means to go to law school, where coincidentally is where you can find yours truly for another year or so.

Whoop dee fucking do.

/JP

Your vote is needed

Alright, people. Time for some shameless requests. TCO's official girlfriend is in desperate need of a new bike, so get all of your friends and their friends and their friends and so forth to go vote, vote, vote for the bike she designed.

Just click the image and vote away.



Thank you.

/JP

High flying ideas

According to reports, flying cars are about to become reality.

Why, if you've got a car that can fly, would you be on the ground in the first place? "Yeah, I know I can fly all the way there, but I really miss being stuck in traffic."

Just buy a helicopter and shut up already.

/JP

Idiots say the darndest things

Had almost forgotten about this piece. Written late December while sitting on a bus heading for TCO's official cottage up north, alongside TCO's official girlfriend.

"Always the diligent one, TCO never takes a break. Truth be told, something happened on the bus that had to be written down for future generations’ benefit. A discouraging example, perhaps, but that’s reality for you. Smacks you in the mouth like Mike Tyson on steroids when you least expect it.

Now, as I am writing this, a woman is seated two seats behind me. This would obviously be perfectly normal if not for the fact that this woman is a genetic breakthrough. Not more beautiful than any previous being, nor stronger in any way, shape or form. No, this unique sentient is, by my estimate at least, the first human ever to actually be able to breathe despite having an IQ below 10.

The rest of us miserable sods - and rest assured she's speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear whether they want to or not - have so far been told, among other things, that we all should keep in mind when skiiing or snowboarding that you go faster down a slope sideways than you do straight down. Also, Facebook is like, really funny, only it’s like not, because it’s like boring and stuff.

I’m certain she should be on a bus somewhere, but this isn’t it.

It's amazing how some people, admittedly most of whom haven't been blessed with much more brain capacity than that of your average gerbil, seem to think that the best way to prove a point, is to speak louder than everyone else. It's the caps lock way of reasoning. Any second now, I'm expecting her to roll on the floor, laughing her fucking ass off. Or something of that nature.

If only her father had used protection on his hardware nine months before her birth.

Or had wanked instead."

/JP

35 going on 70

As promised, normal services are about to be resumed. Helping TCO to get back in form, Linda Rosing is throwing a birthday party. For whatever reason, TCO has not yet received an official invite. Go figure.

Apparently, she's celebrating her 35th birthday, although looking at the recent photos of her, I'd say she's celebrating the 35th year of being 30.

The event is, according to Linda, going to be classy and glamorous. Admittedly, asking her about class can quite easily be perceived as being along the same lines as asking Josef Fritzl to comment on parenting advice. To further illustrate my point, Rosing will be arriving to the event in a white Hummer limo, and once at the party, will be presented with a specially made birthday cake in the shape of two enormous breasts.

Rosing said in regards of the cake: "Haha, well. That's me. Two boobs."

Well, Linda.. You're not bringing anything else to the table, I'll give you that.

/JP

That's just perfect, part II

..and the rant goes on.

In today's Aftonbladet, you can read about a website called "Operation Perfect" which features women who pose nude and tell the men who use the website what they would like surgically enhanced. The idea is that the men, in return, pay for the surgeries. The women? They get, according to the owner of the site, "the operation" (i.e. as soon as the men's contributions reach the target amount), "model photography sessions" (meaning more nude images), "make-up" (a fair assumption during the photo shoot) and "nightlife" (probably meaning entrance to a club and two free drinks for a blowjob).

Oh, and they are also forced to go on a date with one of the guys who paid for their surgery.

Think they'll be forced into anything else? "You know, I paid for those. You owe me."

Yet another example of reducing the value of a person to an image you can masturbate to, or an image that will sell your piece of shit magazine, and the tragic, misguided young women who actually believe the words of those in charge.

It is just fucking sad.

Sorry about the rant. Normal services will be resumed shortly.

/JP

That's just perfect

Tonight, Swedish TV5 is airing a show, or documentary, or something or other, that pisses me off to no end. It's called "Victoria Silvstedt - My perfect life" and features, according to the channel, "glamour".

Now, this is a woman of the same mold as a lot of women who have been featured on TCO; blonde, surgically enhanced women with an IQ of that of a brick, living ever so slightly on the right side of the border between prostitution and "glamour modelling". Let's face it, if she didn't swallow, she'd be the spitting image of Jenna Jameson, one or two videos removed.

What really gets me worked up though, is that this joke of a woman, best known for drunken stupors during which she has fallen out of cars, half naked in front of paparazzis, is somehow perceived as living the "perfect life". What kind of signal does this send to young women? That the road to glory is posing nude, causing scandals and giving up everything even remotely connected to an intellect? And what is that so called glory in reality? Free drinks in Saint Tropez with old, overweight mediterranean men whose only request in return is sex, preferrably on tape?

It's a market created by the media. The glamour of posing nude, the horror when someone actually looks at the pictures. Either way, the girls end up fucked in every meaning of the word while the media makes money.

Fucking disgusting.

/JP

Hugh surprise

In the never ending drama that is Hugh Hefner and his "girlfriends", the latest episode involves Kendra Wilkinson admitting to having been unfaithful.

The world dropped its collective jaw upon hearing the news that a girl who has posed nude had even more damage to her moral compass.

Wilkinson said: "I had to have sex to be able to feel like a healthy human being". Funny, I thought the reason you dated Hef was, what's the word you all use now again, "love"?

The statement has lead TCO to come up with the following economic formula for relationships:

Love - Free.
Gold digging bimbos - Cheap.
Divorces - Expensive.

/JP

The great taste of addiction

Nicorette, maker of among other things nicotine patches, are launching their new gums through an ad campaign featuring the slogan "so good some people will do anything for them".

Now, I've never smoked, so I can't really speak from experience about dealing with trying to give up an addiction. Having said that, I would imagine taste wouldn't have as much to do with it as, oh, the nicotine. It's not as is you walk into a store, thinking about whether to buy the best foie gras and champagne available or go ahead and really treat yourself to some lovely Nicorette gums.

In line with the Nicorette campaign, perhaps other drugs will follow suit?

LSD pills - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Amphetamine - The quicker picker-upper.

Acid - Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

And so forth.

/JP

A disgrace to the human race, part II

A while back, TCO wrote about the story of a child being named Adolf Hitler.

Today, it's being reported that the child has been taken by social services.

In related news, a child in New Zealand was taken, and replaced in a foster family, as a result of her being named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Now, I don't know about you, good people, but I can't help feeling, wouldn't it have been easier just to change her name? Anyway, I also feel there's a difference between people and people. Looking at some celebrity babies:

Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. "The Apple didn't fall far from the tree, but he probably needs medical attention."

Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan.

Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell. A mix of a protected species and an alien species.

Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole). We get it. You like jeans.

Fifi Trixibell: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie). Sounds like a French 18th century prostitute.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence. Or "Crouching Tiger, hidden dragon" as she will be known once she loses her virginity.

Ireland: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Kal-El Coppola: Nicholas Cage. It's was either that or Francis Ford Superman, I suppose.

Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn.

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin.

Moxie CrimeFighter: Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten).

Sage Moonblood: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh).

And my personal favorite: Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf.

"I would like to order some tickets to London, please."
"Yes, sir. That can be arranged. Your name, please?"
"Pilot Inspektor Lee."
"And your first name?"
"Pilot Inspektor."
"I'm sorry, sir, not your occupation. Your first name, please?"
"Pilot Inspektor."
"Sir, if you don't give me your first name, I can't make the necessary arrangements."
"My name is Pilot Inspektor!"

Wouldn't it just be epic if he ended up being a pilot inspector? "My name is pilot inspector Pilot Inspektor. Pilot Inspektor by name, pilot inspector by trade. Here's my wife - Cock Pit Inspektor. Pit inspector by day, cock inspector by night."

Some people.

/JP

On pace

Swedish Institute of Public Health is today stating that 10,000 steps each day won't keep you in shape.

Not if they all are to and from the pizza buffet, no.

If they all are uphill, say, Mount Everest, I'm thinking they will.

I've never understood the expression "get in shape" though to be honest. Round is a shape as well, is it not?

/JP

Old news, part II

And now for the nastiest story of the year, and yes, we know it will stand at the end of the year. The claim, that is, not "a penis". After you've read this story, chances are good your penis won't stand again for quite some time.

This is the story of Casa Xochiquetzal, a brothel featuring nothing but elderly prostitutes. The story is based on the documentary "The house of the setting sun", a fitting name considering most women are so old they actually saw the creation of the sun.

Case in point:



Now if that image doesn't get your cock hard.. ..chances are you're not blind.

Lulu, 61, stated in regards to the "work" that there are "good sides and bad sides. And it affects you and kills you from within".

Yes, Lulu. That's called "HIV".

/JP

Old news

Swedish opera diva Kjerstin Dellert, age 83, is launching her own workout DVD for elders.

A workout DVD for people who barely can move, let alone operate a DVD-player.

That has to be like writing a book on golf for illiterate rednecks.

/JP

Not a compliment to complements

Andreas Kleerup, former boyfriend of Carolina Gynning and Linda Rosing alike, said during his acceptance speech at the Grammis Awards, in regards of a police drug raid being performed at the live televised event:

"It's too bad we live in a country where the policemen are so fucking dry. If you see someone with an [intercom] in his ear, make sure you pee before."

Not only a retarded statement, but also indisputable evidence that not only opposites, but also complements, attract.

/JP

Dancing with the, ehm, something

Yes, a new season of "Dancing with the stars" has kicked off and despite not actually watching the show, the entire country knows everything that anyone has ever said or done that in any way, shape or form can be even remotely connected to the so called celebrity competition.

Apparently, the new series features, among others, Isabella Löwengrip - more known as Blondinbella - whose claim to fame is that she has a fashion oriented blog that people supposedly read. In short, she's yet another blonde teenage bimbo who has been given too much time in the public eye already. To prove the point, she released the following statements on taking part on the show.

"Soon, all of Sweden will be able to see my butt!", in regards to her not being able to dance and instead will resort to showing off her ass.. ..ets. The intellectual approach, as it were.

"It's hard, but when my partner tells me to become like Britney Spears, I really get going", yet again in regards to her dancing skills. That's right, baby. Shake it like a mentally unstable redneck.

When asked if being on the show gave her "cred", she came up with the following gem: "Yes, it's the coolest thing you can do. And to stand here with people who have had much longer careers than I have is so cool."

No, just about anything anywhere is "cooler" than being on a show featuring havebeens, werenots and whothats, dear. Also, you haven't left school yet. The toilet paper I bought the other day has had a longer career than you have, although admittedly it has also been filled with crap.

Also on the show is (was?) former Big Brother contestant Kitty Jutbring who, after having received bottom marks, cried and said she was going to start a Facebook group called "Hate the jury". She's currently doing radio shows for prepubescents and thus proved she shares the mental prowess and maturity of her target audience.

/JP

2009 Kick off

Just a few days into 2009 and the stories keep coming faster than I can ridicule them. It's like a neverending pile of shit.

Anyway, in the news this week: First off, there was the Vail incident. Basically, a skier almost fell to his possible death by somehow managing to fall of a lift, a sure Darwin award nominee. However, his trousers got stuck in the lift, thus preventing him from falling. Lucky, you say? I'm not sure he agrees.



It was probably a cold day too.

The, excuse the legal term, moron then sued the photographer. I'm assuming he'll be counter-sued for indecent exposure as well as class action sued by the human race for stealing our oxygen.

In other cock-related news, the porn industry is demanding $5 Billion from the US Congress to support them during the depression. If there was one industry you'd thought would benefit from hard times..

Hustler owner Larry Flynt said: "People are too depressed to have sex. This is highly unhealthy for a nation. The American people can do without cars and things, but they can't live without sex." An interesting statement considering most consumers of porn live without sex, which is why they have to watch others having it.

Finally, Jordan has been kicked out of Facebook. "They won't get rid of me that easily", she said, to which the rest of the world replied with a unanimous sigh "Tell us about it". I'm not sure Jordan understands the concept of rhetorical questions and thus probably will soon in every newspaper ever made anywhere. Oh, joy.

/JP

I went on the internet

And I found this.



"So, you're interested in cars?"
"Yeah, I love cars."
"Gearhead, huh?"
"No, I mean I REALLY love cars."
"Ehm, ok."
"Mhmm. Did you see that old Range Rover of mine? I like to dress up like a prostitute, sneak up and take it from behind, fucking it up the tailpipe. Oh, yeah baby.. It loves it, the filthy bitch."
"Yeah, it.. ..wait, what?"
"Here, I've got photos."

/JP