My bike takes me places that school never could

I've just learned that a man in Östersund, Sweden, is being charged with sexual assault.. ..on women's bicycles. Apparently, the man slashed the bikes' tires, and then had sex with the seats.

A possible scenario is, he asked the bikes to have sex with him first but they were two tired.

Rather fittingly, I actually saw a guy on a bike earlier today who had a t-shirt that said "More than recreation".

If you say so.

/JP

I can be your hero, baby

NME readers have voted Pete Doherty Hero of The Year. I'm guessing NME stands for "Narcotics Manufacturers Enumeration". Either that or they thought hero was masculine for heroin.

Doherty performed the night before the awards with blood pouring from his nose. He blamed the "injury" on a scrap with his cat. What a pussy.

/JP

One tree Mills

Heather Mills is apparently going to be named one of the world's sexiest women. Her "attractiveness rating had rocketed since she began hammering out a massive divorce settlement from Sir Paul McCartney". I guess he's one unhappy Muccafucker at the moment.

I can't get over the fact that she's getting insane amounts of money for doing, well, what exactly? Spreading her leg?

One of my favorite Mucca moments though, was a couple of months ago when she suggested we should all start milking rats, cats and dogs.

I'm not sure I agree. My dog's only got one teat.

Would take forever to get a full glass out of him.

/JP

Sap du jour, part II

One of my favorite comedians and, as most have figured out, also a great source of inspiration is Jimmy Carr. I recently came across this clip on YouTube of someone trying to heckle him.

Smart move, trying to heckle one the most witty and brilliant comic minds on the planet. Needless to say, the moron was completely destroyed by Carr.

The clip is taken from Jimmy's new live DVD Comedian, which is out now. Highly recommended, as is his book The naked jape - uncovering the hidden world of jokes.

You see, every so often, The Comedy Outsider will actually be good for something.

/JP

Winehouse's hostile takeover of TCO

A lot of the focus lately has been on Amy Winehouse, very much so also in The Comedy Outsider. And, I'm willing to wager, it's not going to stop.

In today's The Sun, there's a story about how her friends fear she's "getting back to her worst", which any way you look at it is about as far from good you can get.

According to the newspaper, she also displayed "mystery marks and spots on her knuckles and hands when she went out to the shops in London this week and bought kids' sweets". Sounds to me she's just been standing on all fours. Perhaps by "crack addiction" she just means "a lot of anal sex". Either way it seems she's getting fucked on a daily basis.

/JP

Judging Amy

Yes, it's official. Amy Winehouse is launching her own line. For once, it's not the kind of line you'd expect.

No, we're talking a new range of cosmetics and fashion products, featuring "all the things that are distinctive of her look". Presumably, that means the cosmetics will smell of alcohol and tobacco, and the clothes will make you look like a prostitute.

A fashion industry source added: "She has become a fashion icon despite not always looking too fresh".

Although only in late February, we already have a winner for understatement of the year.

/JP

Shut up already

A woman sent me an e-mail, complaining about the Winehouse - drug addiction joke I made recently. According to her, it was "cheap".

Don't quite see why, most jokes about drugs are pot shots.

She could have been referring to me calling Mrs Winehouse "aptly named" though. Don't agree with her there either - the woman is an alcoholic. It would be the same if Pete Doherty was called "Crackhouse", Britney Spears was called "Nuthouse" or Kate Moss simply "Flat".

/JP

The short bus

Alright, enough of the rants for the moment. Let's get back to the original idea behind the blog, shall we?

One of the most talked about news stories lately has been the supposed gang of dwarves stealing whatever they can get their little hands on from Swebus' buses. I can't really see the big deal, it's all petty theft anyway.

The person in charge at Swebus stated that "two men, who spoke very poor English, have been seen loading a huge bag into the boot of the bus", drawing the conclusion that there had to have been dwarves inside. "It's the only plausible explanation", she said.

On the positive side, the culprits are probably easy to spot in an identification line up.

/JP

Cry me a river

I was supposed to do a bit on Mucca - I'll probably do that bit tomorrow - but something caught my eye. Something which will lead to another rant, I'm afraid.

19-year old Jenny is in today's Aftonbladet moaning about the tragedy of her life. Basically, she thought the way to fame was to get implants, pose nude and hang around rich people. Rich people who, she later discovered, considered her no more worth than a used piece of toilet paper. Instead of glamour, she found a world filled with alcohol, became just another pawn in the jet set game, and is now back home, pregnant. A tragedy indeed.

Boo fucking hoo.

I cannot understand why this is a tragedy. If you think large implants, blond hair and showing off your breasts for free drinks is something to strive for, you are so fucking stupid you shouldn't be allowed to breed.

For fuck's sake.

/JP

Fuck-up Light

Time for another rant. For her birthday, the girl got one of those Wake-up Lights by Phillips. It is, to be blunt, crap.

Phillips claims the "Wake-up Light is the best option to wake you up naturally."

I would very much like to know how the hell you wake up unnaturally.

Ah, but it "helps you to be ready for your day in a gentle way".

Gentle? The light is strong enough to blind bypassing aeroplanes, for crying out loud.

The alternative option is waking up to "the sound of birds". They failed to say the bird in question was a fucking duck. Adding insult to injury, the background noice is that of pouring water. If you're not gagging for a pee already, trust me, you will be.

So, summing up, a gentle way of waking up according to Phillips, is doing so in a light so bright it'll make Michael Jackson look black, surrounded by raving ducks, possibly laying in a pool of your own urine.

Gentle? Compared to what? A chainsaw up your ass?

/JP

Sounds like Bull

Troubled former soccer star Paul Gascoigne has reportedly spent £16,000 trying to cure his addiction to Red Bull. Apparently "Gazza" was downing 50 cans of the energy drink every DAY.

The most aptly named woman in showbusiness, Amy Winehouse, gave her support, saying: "I know what he's going through. Carbonated soft drinks are dangerous! I can't seem to get rid of my coke addiction".

Dr Carol Cooper stated that a tin of Red Bull has 80mg of caffeine in it, and consuming too much of the stimulant can "make irrational or violent tendencies worse". This has lead to the suspicion that Gascoigne has been addicted to Red Bull for most of his adult life.

/JP

Jessica Simpson, a fattist?

According to an article today, Jessica Simspon is being sued by health oriented company Speedfit. Apparently, she recorded an exercise video for them, but has now changed her mind and is actively working against its release.

If only she had done the same with any of her other movies.

Aptly named Speedfit president Alex Astilean said: "She's hurting millions of fat people in the US".

How? It's not as if they're going to run to the stores to get it anyway.

/JP

Sap du jour

Was sent this clip earlier today. Unfortunately, it's in Swedish. Sorry about that.



Moron.

/JP

Live reading

To commemorate its 100 years of existing, it has proudly been announced that the actors at the Swedish theatre Dramaten will be performing "live theatre" tonight.

As opposed to what exactly?

/JP

Heffalump

According to an article today, Hugh Hefner, 81, is trying to knock his girlfriend Holly Madison, 28, up. Apparently, they want a baby so much, they spend entire days having sex, but alas, so far to no avail.

My guess is he's been using so much Viagra lately, if they spread his ashes to the wind, it'll lead to one hell of a stiff breeze.

Holly said: "We've really been trying. A house and a baby would really make for a great Valentine's gift".

No further comments necessary.

/JP

Shakespeared

Since the last blog wasn't all too witty, I thought I'd make it up to you by recapping Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo: "Oh, Juliet! Where have you been all my life?"
Juliet: "On a fucking balcony."

The End.

/JP

Keeping it short

Pocket Hercules Aditya "Romeo" Dev is according to various sources the world's smallest bodybuilder.

From what one can read in the articles, he earns a living from bodybuilding shows and dancing. The other bodybuilders are said to love him, although I think the phrase used was "nuts over him".

Dev's main ambition is to make London's West End. Personally, I never thought Romeo and Juliet to be a short story.

/JP

Shock and awe

Dolly Parton has apparently named her breasts Shock and Awe, claiming they have been a massive asset to her career. No doubt fitting names considering if she would take her top off, the initial reaction would probably be shock followed by awe (unless you're standing too close, in which case chances are good you'll be awestruck).

The 62-year old Parton said: "They have served me well, I don't know if I'm supporting them or they're supporting me".
Her bra replied: "Neither".

In related news, Keira Knightley named her breasts Barely Impact and Indifference.

/JP

Me, a fattist?

A lady came up to me and complained about that last blog, quite a big boned girl.

She said: "I think you're fattist".
I said: "No.. It was a bloody joke".

Yes, that's a Jimmy Carr reference.

It's probably not right to make fun of overweight people - an elephant never forgets - but let's face it, they do make pretty easy targets. Anyone could get one in.

Heh, that almost sounded like a Paris Hilton joke. It wasn't. She's not fat, just very, very, very thick.

She does sleep with anyone though.

/JP

Throwing his weight around

A while back, there were various reports about a huge man, well over 400 pounds, from Venezuela who had come to Sweden looking for amnesty. For various reasons, the government decided to send him back.

The man responded by threatening to go on a hunger strike.

Well isn't that about fucking time?

If you are so overweight the scales go "to be continued" when you step on them, I'm thinking a hunger strike isn't really going to threaten anyone. Except, perhaps, McDonald's.

If he really wanted to put pressure on the Swedish government, he should have just leaned.

/JP

Prison inmates do The Thriller

Was sent this earlier today. Supposedly one of the most watched Youtube clips of the past year.

Prison inmates do thriller dance.

My girlfriend asked me which one was Michael Jackson.

That's easy. The child molester.

/JP

The enema within

I just noticed the results of the 2007 Darwin Awards are in. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, the Darwin Awards go to people who have removed themselves from the global gene pool via "astounding misapplications of judgment".

The 2007 winner:

Michael, of Texas USA, was, according to his wife, addicted to enemas. He also had an alcohol problem. Bringing the best of his two worlds together, he often used alcohol in said manner. A one way ticket up the lavender passageway to instant inebriation. Alco-hole, as it were, or perhaps rimshot. I digress.

Anyway, one ill-fated evening, good old Michael decided to pour two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, down.. ..well.. ..up the hatch. A normal person will eventually pass out after drinking too much and thus, so to speak, end the intake. In Michael's case, the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. On the bright side, he did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

The butt of the joke indeed.

/JP

Now that's good TV

Britney Spears was just put on suicide watch.

Let's face it, that's one suicide you would watch.

/JP

What on God's green earth?

In today's Dagens Nyheter, you can read about how the Renault Laguna has been voted "most beautiful car of 2007".

I can be witty, but that is some joke.







Renault Flipping Laguna?

Quite.

/JP

Leaving Las Vegas

My girlfriend was watching the original CSI the other day, i.e. the CSI franchise set in Las Vegas. Whenever anything is in Las Vegas, they love to point out that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", don't they?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Excepts with STD's, I would imagine.

/JP

Dealing with telemarketing people

Your phone: "Ring."
You: "Yes?"
Telemarketing person: "Hi, my name is Dave Ja-Vu. Could I have a few minutes of your time?"
You: "Of course. How much do I get paid?"
Telemarketing person: "Wha.. ..ehrm.. ..you don't get paid?"
You: "I see. So you're working pro bono?"
Telemarketing person: "What? No."
You: "Well, that can only mean you believe your time to be more valuable than mine. I can assure you that's not the case. Goodbye."

Thank me later.

/JP

Jamie Oliver, comedian?

One of the funniest things I read last year was that Jamie Oliver, supposedly, had rung up Angelina Jolie to congratulate her on the her new movie, Beowulf. Why I don't know, her performance in the film sucked so hard I left the theatre with a hickie (I suppose you could also go with "it blew so hard I left the theatre looking like Don King", neither of which is really funny, but you know.. Whatever floats your boat.). Anyway, according to the magazine, he mistakenly called her daughter Shiloh Pitt Piloh Shit.

Epic.

Truth be told, I'm not completely convinced he did call her firstborn a heap of poo though. Let's face it, Jamie can be entertaining, but he's not THAT entertaining. Come to think of it, I can't really think of a lot of chefs who are. The one show that stands out is The F Word with Gordon Ramsey which, once every blue moon, can be downright hilarious. I've got nothing against Ramsey, but whenever I see him discussing his cuisine with a guest, it’s like watching Monty Python’s dead parrot skit.

Patron: "I would like to register a complaint."
Gordon: "Yes?"
Patron: "This bread is stale."
Gordon: "No, it’s not."
Patron: "Yes, it is."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s crunchy."
Patron: "Listen mate, it’s like eating a brick."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s got texture."
Patron: "It hasn’t. The holy Bible has got texture. This bread is like eating said book."
Gordon: "Yeah, I know, it’s divine."

Even Bagdad Bob would be impressed.

/JP

Speaking of combovers

How about this one?



/JP

Calling Stephen Fry, part II

"Hairline fracture".

A combover gone terribly wrong?

/JP

Telemarketing people

Telemarketing is one of my biggest pet peeves, no doubts or questions about it. Chances are good I'll rant about it in the future, but right now, I'm simply going to recap a call I received not ten minutes ago.

The background information you need is this: should you look up my father, you'll find two mobile numbers. For various reasons, they actually belong to myself and my brother, respectively. Our father's own number is protected, unlisted, unavailable. You get the idea.

Mobile phone: "Ring, ring, ring.. ..banana phone."
Me: "JP."
Telemarketing woman: "Hi, my name is Johanna. I'm calling for Something-or-other. Is Peter there, please?"
Me: "No, he's not. This is his son speaking."
Telemarketing woman: "He's not? This is his number, isn't it?"
Me: "Technically, yes. In actuality, no. But I'll tell you what, give me your number and I'll pass it along to him."
Telemarketing woman: "I'm sorry, I can't give that to you. We will still need to contact him."
Me: "Yeah, well.. I'm not giving you his. There's a reason it's unlisted."
Telemarketing woman: "I understand. Is this number his (beginning to read me my brother's number)?"
Me: "No, it's not, it's my brother's. And even if it was, I wouldn't say. I just told you five seconds ago I'm not giving you my father's number. What part did you not understand?"
Telemarketing woman: "I'm just saying.."
Me: "You're just saying what?"
Telemarketing woman: "Nevermind, I'll just cross him off the list."
Me: "Yeah, you do that."

Morons.

/JP

Calling Stephen Fry

English isn't my native language, so every now and then, I come across a word or an expression that to the (comedy) outsider doesn't make much sense, if any at all.

As is the case with the use of "late".

Why, oh why, do you call dead people late? "Here's Miss Honeybottom, the widow of the late Lord Honeybottom." Of course he's late, he's d-e-a-d. It's not likely he's going to be early, now is it?

It also begs the question, if it really is better being late than never. I suppose, on a philosophical level, it may well be better being late than never, since late implies you actually were, whereas never implies you weren't. Oh, well. The argument would surely be enough to suck the life out of a kindergarden, so let's just leave it, shall we?

/JP

On the porn industry

Getting started, I thought I'd blog a bit on the topic of sex, the thought being that everyone can relate to it. Then again, that's not really the case, so I'll rant a bit about porn instead. Let's face it, even if you're a 34-year old virgin named Kenneth living with your mother in a basement in Bournemouth, or perhaps especially if that description fits your persona, you know porn, probably through, shall we say, hands-on experience.

Personally, I've never really understood porn. What's the point of watching others copulate if I myself am feeling horny? I mean, if I'm hungry, I want food. I don't turn on The Food Network to watch others eat (ok, perhaps a poor choice of words). My friend doesn’t understand me. He says, when hungry, have a hamjob.

I also have problems understanding why porn is seemingly never mentioned in any discussions what-so-ever as being illegal. The fact that perplexes me is, if you pay someone for sex, you’re breaking the law. If you pay someone for sex and TAPE IT, you’re free to go. No questions asked. Except, perhaps, "Can I get a copy?". I read an interview with a pornstar once, and the girl specifically stated that she “wouldn’t have sex with just anyone”. She apparently only went happy hour with "established male actors". Sorry dear, but that just means you’re a prostitute with standards.

/JP

TCO online

So here we are, The Comedy Outsider finally online. Should be interesting; to paraphrase Jimmy Carr, I guess we’ll all find out if I’m shit.

If it turns out I am, so be it.

If it turns out I'm not, I just might make the trip to Edinburgh and perform at the Fringe. A friend of mine would surely love it if that were to be true though, he has some thing for "bonnie lasses". He said to me once, "I like my women the way I like my whisky - Scottish". To be honest, I'm quite confident "18 years old and filled up with coke" is closer to the truth.

/JP