Not the dog's bollocks

In what may well be the most retarded story in quite some time (yes, it comes from the good old USA, who'd have thunk it?), a couple of therapy dogs are getting married.

Apparently, some idiot (possibly TGH spokeswoman Ellen Fiss) thought it would be a good idea to have two dogs get married. Another idiot, The St Petersburg Times staff writer Kim Wilmath, thought it would make for a good story.

Tell me again, would you please, why gays shouldn't be allowed to get married? And while you're at it, tell me why dogs would?

Seems to me the inmates are running the asylum and whatever administrative moron came up with the idea should seek therapy him- or herself.

/JP

Back on track

Sorry for the lack of updates, but school has been so far upp my ass I've been coughing papers. Now, however, it's all over for the time being, so there should be more time to write nonsensical drivel for your limited amusement.

Anyway, let's start with the news. In Jamaica, lately there has been a number of broken penises reported. Apparently, a "violent sex act inspired dance" called "daggering" is the source of it all. I've never understood those sex dances myself, considering most [females] who perform them are prude, shy women who change their clothes in the bathroom to avoid beeing seen. The irony of it all, obviously, being that while they get off at acting like prostitutes, they are enraged when guys get any ideas what-so-ever. Either way, I don't want a dagger anywhere near my cock.

In other news, I've decided the guy who had sex with ladies' bicycles was probably just a velocipedophile.

Speaking of bikes, it's time to take out the motorycle. In a country where it's 6 degrees Celsius in the summer, you've got to make the most of the time the sun's actually out.

/JP

Ad up

As I was on my way to the University earlier today, I noticed an ad for a tanning salon.

Apparently, they had two double rooms with two tanning booths each, seven single rooms with one tanning booth each and one standing tanning booth for what they claimed was a grand total of.. ..eleven.

Impressive.

/JP

Well, shit

In order to make the Brits feel less insulted, here's a good reason why Wales is worse:

A night out in Cardiff.

/JP

Britain's got morons

The Telegraph has listed 20 ridiculous complaints made by British holidaymakers. Having read through them, I have to say I was expecting this from the Yanks, but the Brits? I know I have British readers, so help me out here, people. Are they all from Essex or what?

"The beach was too sandy."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

I must admit though, I went on a Mediterranean cruise once with TCO's official girlfriend and the ship (is that the term?) was full of Brits. It seems to me, the normal Brits stay in England or go to France, whereas only old working class couples, fat blokes with bad tattoos and ginger kids go anywhere else. The food was also British, by the way. The girl got sick and I had to eat whenever we hit land. To put it bluntly, you people can't cook worth a shit.

/JP

Holy shit

In yet another story linking priests to sex offenses, a Swedish priest has been sexually offending women on a Christian dating site. First of all, isn't a Christian dating site technically cheating considering they're all married to Jesus? If not married, at least they have a relationship with Him, don't they?

Anyway, the priest said: "I'm probably the least suitable person existing (to be a priest)".

Really? Less suitable than the Catholic child molestors? Less suitable than Joseph Fritzl? Fucking hell, mate. You need to be locked up.

/JP

Eyes wide slut

Recently, TCO has discovered a trend among, shall we say, women of lesser intellect; They open their eyes as wide as possible when speaking. I say speaking, but I suppose chirping is closer to the truth. If it is a result of them only being able to do one thing at a time, either blinking or speaking, I do not know. What I do know is that it makes them look quite.. ..psychotic.

Cases in point - although they both have managed to keep their mouths shut, for the first time in ages, while the photos were taken.

Magdalena Graaf:



Carolina Gynning:



Of course, then there's Linda Rosing who just looks like Dolph Lundgren with a wig and make-up.



/JP

Giving it all she's got, captain

In what is sure to spice up the Trek conventions (or whatever you call them), Star Trek is going pornographic.

Apparently, Hustler will be launching a porn version of the old TV-series. So, in an attempt at IKEA jokes - assemble them yourselves - here are a few, actual, quotes from the old series. Now picture them being said in a porn setting.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" -- Kirk
"That's not very damn funny." -- McCoy (Star Trek III)

"Don't call me Tiny." -- Sulu (Star Trek III)

"Spock, where the hell's the power you promised?" -- Kirk
"One damn minute, admiral" -- Spock (Star Trek IV)

"Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons." -- Spock, to Kirk (Star Trek V)

"You look quite well for a man that's been 'utterly destroyed', Mr. Spock." -- Kirk (Patterns of Force)


How about this episode title?

"I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget." -- McCoy (Space Seed)


And finally for a line that is wrong on so many levels:

"Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do....spank it?" -- McCoy (Star Trek: TMP)

/JP

English 101

According to the current rules in Britain, migrants are required to know English.

Basically, it comes down to this: Under a "points" system, there are three main categories of immigrants coming to Britain from outside the EU to work, which are "highly skilled", "skilled" and "low-skilled" workers. The first two groups can eventually settle permanently in Britain; the third cannot. Basically, what they are saying is: "We'll take your lawyers, doctors and people who actually contribute. The poor, uneducated feckers can skive off to the US".

For some professions though, it all seems a bit redundant to me. For example, how the hell are you supposed to do well in a British court if you don't know the language? In any situation where you have to rely on language as your tool of trade, it would be an oxymoron calling you "highly skilled" if you didn't have the brains to be bothered to actually learn how to speak, read and write.

Customs officer: Alright, where you from?
Man: India.
Customs officer: Business or pleasure?
Man: I'm actually considering migrating here.
Customs officer: Really? Well, eh.. What do you work with? We've already got a ton of curry places, you know.
Man: I'm a comedian.
Customs officer: You know you have to be able to speak English, right?
Man: You know, I'm not sure my material will work here, but honestly, I doubt telling the jokes in hindi will help.

/JP

OT: TO

And now for a football joke. If you don't know your NFL, move along.

Terrell Owens has missed the start of the Bills voluntary offseason conditioning program this week, which didn't come as a shock to, well, anyone.

The reason? He is to receive an award at sixth annual National Alzheimer's Gala.

Unlike the Bills though, they have a reason for forgetting what an asshole he is.

/JP

In the news

And now for a quick recap of some of the latest stories.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson recently became a mother, giving birth to twins. TCO assumes she had an easy birth considering she was fully dilated even before getting pregnant.

A red wine that doesn't get give you hangovers has just been released. TCO notes that if you base your wine purchases on which bottle will give you the least headache the following day, chances are good you're an alcoholic.

According to a recent study, right wing Christian conservatives and mormons do the most porn surfing, or "browsing for gentlemen's selected reading" as I believe some call it. TCO tried to reach the anti-porn movement "American Mothers" for a comment, but without success as they were all busy watching a German teen fornicating with a midget.

Finally, Keira Knightley was nearly killed by a herd of cows. Apparently the story does not involve a mob of fat women with PMS, as mad cow disease has been ruled out of question. Since the event, Knightley has reportedly developed a strong resentment towards cows, becoming what you might call lactose intolerant.

/JP

I came, I sawed, I went to the hospital

Every so often, a story comes along to prove once more that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter.

Yes, this is the story of a woman who, presumably along with her partner, decided it would be a grand idea to attach a dildo to a saber saw blade. That's right, not just the power tool, but the actual blade. Naturally, the saw cut through the plastic toy and into her.

Investigators spoke to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

I would argue, however, that it has to be a crime to be that stupid.

"Darling, I just had this great idea. You know you've been saying you'd like to spice up our sexlife? Well, I went down to the local Wal-Mart and got this saber saw. What I thought was, if you attach that Assdestructor 2000 I gave you for Valentine's to the blade, it'll be like being fucked by the Energizer bunny on speed and Viagra. Alright, I've prepared it.. Just spread wide, dear.. That's it. Oh, baby. I've never heard you scream like this before."

/JP

Just quit already

Alright, time for another non comical piece. What I am about to write might cause a bit of controversy, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.

For better or worse, I have never really seen the humor in shows like "Balls of steel". Perhaps I'm too much of an academic to see the fun in acting like a complete retard, I don't know.

Case in point, Swedish comedian Nour El-Refai, a woman completely void of good judgment - any other explanation escapes me - was two years ago convicted of sexual harassment after having shown her breasts to a man. It was supposed to be a joke for the Swedish version of Balls of steel, but nobody saw the humor in it. Now, she's at it again. Apparently, while recording an upcoming edition of the show, she showed her vagina to tourists while yelling "women have hairy pussies, this is how it looks".

Now, please tell me how that is fucking funny.

A year ago Nour took a lot of heat for her performances at the Swedish Eurovision tryouts. I actually defended her publically, stating that humor is like sexual preference and that even though a majority of people don't find her funny, you cannot draw the conclusion that nobody does. However, I will back her up no more. It has become ever so apparent that if there ever was an exception to the rule, she would be it.

I don't know if her act is a cry for attention or a call for help. I honestly wouldn't rule the latter out, in which case this whole thing is downright tragic. Either way, for the love of all that is holy, change your career, Nour. Right now, you are a disgrace to yourself as well as to the entire world of comedy and, despite not having a funny atom in your entire body, a complete and utter joke. To make matter worse, there isn't anything even remotely funny about that either.

/JP

You're so good-looking

According to two British doctors, sneezing can be a sign of sexual arousal. Apparently, the whole thing stems from a man who sneezed when thinking of sex and the doctors then reportedly found "several men and women" who suffered from the same problem. Furthermore, the doctors found three persons who claimed to sneeze after orgasm. Despite only two actual cases ever having been published - any made up pornographic novels notwithstanding - the doctors drew the conclusion that this is a common issue.

TCO is officially calling BS on the whole thing.

How many times have you heard your partner reaching sexual climax with the words "Ah, ah, AH, ACHOOO!"? I would bet you have, during the act of love making, said "Oh, God" a lot more times than you have said "Bless you".

Granted, there are sure to be a handful of evolutionary fuckups where the genetical wiring isn't what it should be, but a common issue? Right. That's like the reaction from those magazines your friends used to read when you were in your early teens, such as "KP" for the Swedes.

"Dear KP. I have a slight problem. I decided to put my penis inside our neighbor's puppy Fred. At first it felt good, but then I realized I was allergic to dogs. My penis got all green and weird and funny smelling, so I drenched it in acetone. Now it's a sort of red-green mix, still weird and funny smelling and it burns when I pee. The cat is also looking at me with an unusual look of fear and contempt. What should I do? Sam, age 10.

Dear Sam. This is perfectly normal."

As if.

/JP

Mosebacke Anarchy

And now for an important message for our Swedish readers. Well, a message anyway. I suppose you don't have to be Swedish to read it, being able to read Swedish will surely do it. Or knowing someone who can. Fuck it, here goes.

Glöm inte att kika på den nya humorsatsningen som TCO, tillsammans med andra, kommer vara del av; Mosebacke Anarki. Lika delar humor, cynism, ironi och satir. Intas lättast med en nypa salt.

That is all. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

/JP

I went on the internet, part II

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the reason why farting in a gimp suit isn't a good idea.



/JP

A line drawn in the sand

The struggle for power over Madagascar is becoming more intense with every passing day.

Apparently, King Julien's flamboyant style of leading has finally gotten old and Maurice has started an outbreak group of gerilla insurgents.

/JP

Dial G for God

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong (how's that for a name?) has received world-wide attention after setting up what he claims is a direct line, a hotline as it were, to God.

Apparently, you dial the number and then get an answering machine saying that you've reached God, but that he isn't in at the moment. If you leave a message, who knows, he might get back to you.

How funny would it be to change that message to all of a sudden just go "WHAT?!? I'm fucking trying to sleep here! For the love of myself, will you people ever just shut the hell up? Jesus Christ.. No, not you, son."?

/JP

Not a cat burglar

In Australia - where else, I suppose - a family suddenly found a kangaroo in its home. Apparently, the large marsupial had, somehow, managed to jump through a window and onto a bed.

A story in itself, perhaps, but the headlines it has generated are downright amazing.

Aftonbladet: "Kangaroo breaks into house with small children".

The Times' is even better: "Terror spree of ninja kangaroo".

Apparently, you were wrong thinking that it was the story of a herbivor with, I'm guessing, some sort of eyesight issue. If anything, it sounds like a highly skilled Japanese covert sexual predator.

The family father said: "When it was all over I had a few scratches on my legs, and there wasn't much left of my underwear."

I wouldn't be surprised if the kangaroo ended up being Gary Glitter in a furry jumpsuit.

/JP

You would be better off blind

And now for a public service announcement.

TCO's official girlfriend has once again sat through an entire episode of Linda Rosing's tv show because, in her words, "there wasn't anything on". I decided, against better judgment, to watch a few minutes. As a result, I'm officially warning anyone and everyone who hasn't seen it.

It was the most braindead, retarded piece of television I have ever come across. Honestly, I feel as if my eyes have been raped.

Now, we all know Linda Rosing is as bright as a broken bulb. What kind of guys would you think wants to date her? That's right. Morons.

Honestly, I would eat my gentleman's vegetables before I ever watch that shit again.

Fucking hell.

/JP