A neighbourhood watch or a peeping Tom?
/JP
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
If at first you don't succeed, part II
Just to keep you all updated, previously blogged about Cha has now failed yet another four times, making it thus far 775 failed attempts at passing the written part of the Korean driver's exam.
That is all.
/JP
That is all.
/JP
Sunday, 22 February 2009
If life gives you lemons
In an obviously, as Russel Howard put it, "piss your pants funny" moment, a friend of mine just told me he's gotten a mosquito bite in his ass. No, not on it. In it. I have no idea how he ended up with a bite just millimetres from the actual entrance to the lavender passageway. Perhaps he decided to write a W on each cheek and go "WOW" in front of what turned out to be a not-so-impressed bug, I don't know.
Anyway, apparently it's itching like crazy and he asked me what to do.
Obviously, the way to stop a mosquito bite from itching is to rub it with lemon.
I'm just picturing his girlfriend, walking into the bathroom only to find him with a citrus fruit firmly clenched between his buttocks.
"Hey, have you.. ..WHOA! What the FUCK are you doing?!?"
"I'm er.. ..the world's first human juice press."
Want to bet his ass won't be the only thing in the bathroom turning sour?
/JP
Anyway, apparently it's itching like crazy and he asked me what to do.
Obviously, the way to stop a mosquito bite from itching is to rub it with lemon.
I'm just picturing his girlfriend, walking into the bathroom only to find him with a citrus fruit firmly clenched between his buttocks.
"Hey, have you.. ..WHOA! What the FUCK are you doing?!?"
"I'm er.. ..the world's first human juice press."
Want to bet his ass won't be the only thing in the bathroom turning sour?
/JP
David Mitchell's soapbox commentary, parts I and II
British comedian David Mitchell is currently doing a series of, well, commentaries on daily life, I suppose, for Meet the bulldog.
As it so happens, I'm doing a series of, well, commentaries on these commentaries. I will be giving my two cents on his two cents after every episode. Obviously, you'll have to listen to his ramblings to make any sense of mine, but since David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian, you can rest safely assured that his videos are brilliant as well. In other words, it won't be a duty as much as a pleasure. Not taking into account that the last sentence sounded like an advert for pornstar recruiting, let's get straight to it.
In his first episode, Mitchell asked for advice on how to remove a mouse from his house. This had to be done without killing said rodent. My suggestion - tell the mouse to move to Alan Carr's house. If the mouse doesn't care about the possibility of a pussy free haven, lure it into a closet. With any luck, there will actually be a lion in there. If not, the mouse will come out of the closet, and you can once again try Alan Carr's house.
In the second episode, Mitchell spoke about the impossibility of giving women flowers without it having to mean something romantically. Personally, I've always thought it was more a question of context, but I suppose it varies from culture to culture. Anyway, if in fact the flowers have meaning, what do they say? A dozen red roses - you want to take her in front of a fireplace with classic music playing softly in the background? A cactus - you're Max Mosley and you vill have ze bottom zpanked NOW, SCHNELL?
/JP
As it so happens, I'm doing a series of, well, commentaries on these commentaries. I will be giving my two cents on his two cents after every episode. Obviously, you'll have to listen to his ramblings to make any sense of mine, but since David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian, you can rest safely assured that his videos are brilliant as well. In other words, it won't be a duty as much as a pleasure. Not taking into account that the last sentence sounded like an advert for pornstar recruiting, let's get straight to it.
In his first episode, Mitchell asked for advice on how to remove a mouse from his house. This had to be done without killing said rodent. My suggestion - tell the mouse to move to Alan Carr's house. If the mouse doesn't care about the possibility of a pussy free haven, lure it into a closet. With any luck, there will actually be a lion in there. If not, the mouse will come out of the closet, and you can once again try Alan Carr's house.
In the second episode, Mitchell spoke about the impossibility of giving women flowers without it having to mean something romantically. Personally, I've always thought it was more a question of context, but I suppose it varies from culture to culture. Anyway, if in fact the flowers have meaning, what do they say? A dozen red roses - you want to take her in front of a fireplace with classic music playing softly in the background? A cactus - you're Max Mosley and you vill have ze bottom zpanked NOW, SCHNELL?
/JP
Saturday, 14 February 2009
The gift that keeps on giving
Well, today is Valentine's. All over the world, men are stricken by panic by that very fact as they realize it's V-day and they still haven't bought anything. Luckily, I just heard a radio ad that claimed to have "the perfect gift".
The ad went - and I'm not making this up - "Dildooo, dildooo, dildooo. Buy your sex toys at [insert store name here], it's the perfect Valentine's gift."
Right. Nothing says "I love you" like a prosthetic cock.
"Oh, is that my present?"
"Why yes, dear. It is."
"Oh, darling."
"I knew you had been drooling over that Dior necklace the better part of a year now, but just as I was going to buy it, I decided to give you something really special instead; the perfect gift."
"What, well.. The necklace would have sufficed."
"No, no.. You're worth nothing less than the best. So here it is, the Assdestructor 2000 - a 15 inch black vibrator featuring twelve speed settings and a rotating glans. Ribbed for your pleasure."
/JP
The ad went - and I'm not making this up - "Dildooo, dildooo, dildooo. Buy your sex toys at [insert store name here], it's the perfect Valentine's gift."
Right. Nothing says "I love you" like a prosthetic cock.
"Oh, is that my present?"
"Why yes, dear. It is."
"Oh, darling."
"I knew you had been drooling over that Dior necklace the better part of a year now, but just as I was going to buy it, I decided to give you something really special instead; the perfect gift."
"What, well.. The necklace would have sufficed."
"No, no.. You're worth nothing less than the best. So here it is, the Assdestructor 2000 - a 15 inch black vibrator featuring twelve speed settings and a rotating glans. Ribbed for your pleasure."
/JP
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Redneck high culture
Stand aside, barber of Seville. The life of Anna-Nicole Smith is about to become an opera.
"It is not going to be a horrible, sleazy evening," Elaine Padmore, Covent Garden's director of opera told the Guardian. "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad.
In other words, everything she was in life, the opera won't be. Everything she wasn't, short of sad, the opera will be.
Next in line: Joseph Fritzl, the opera. Supposedly featuring an uplifting story, the opera is going to be performed out in the open, and people will be able to come and go as they like.
/JP
"It is not going to be a horrible, sleazy evening," Elaine Padmore, Covent Garden's director of opera told the Guardian. "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad.
In other words, everything she was in life, the opera won't be. Everything she wasn't, short of sad, the opera will be.
Next in line: Joseph Fritzl, the opera. Supposedly featuring an uplifting story, the opera is going to be performed out in the open, and people will be able to come and go as they like.
/JP
Better late than never
Nadya Suleman has been seen a lot in the media recently. Yes, she's the single mother of six who, despite numerous warnings, decided to have eight more children through IVF. At once.
Now, it's being reported that she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie. As a result, her mental health is being questioned.
If you are keeping score at home, this is a woman who has been in and out of psychiatric wards, decided to have eight kids at once despite already having six and NOW her mental health is being questioned because she might be obsessed with Angelina Jolie? If anything, it sounds to me as if she's obsessed with Kerry Ketona. Either way, it has to be better than Mickey Rourke wanting to look like "The Thing" out of Fantastic 4. Or Donatella Versace wanting to look like Mickey Rourke, for that matter.
Regardless, surely there were other signs the elevator didn't really reach the top floor, such as - I'm taking wild shots here - the recorded mental instability and having an additional eight children at once to go with the previous six?
Amazing.
/JP
Now, it's being reported that she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie. As a result, her mental health is being questioned.
If you are keeping score at home, this is a woman who has been in and out of psychiatric wards, decided to have eight kids at once despite already having six and NOW her mental health is being questioned because she might be obsessed with Angelina Jolie? If anything, it sounds to me as if she's obsessed with Kerry Ketona. Either way, it has to be better than Mickey Rourke wanting to look like "The Thing" out of Fantastic 4. Or Donatella Versace wanting to look like Mickey Rourke, for that matter.
Regardless, surely there were other signs the elevator didn't really reach the top floor, such as - I'm taking wild shots here - the recorded mental instability and having an additional eight children at once to go with the previous six?
Amazing.
/JP
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