My girlfriend was watching the original CSI the other day, i.e. the CSI franchise set in Las Vegas. Whenever anything is in Las Vegas, they love to point out that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", don't they?
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Excepts with STD's, I would imagine.
/JP
Friday, 8 February 2008
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Dealing with telemarketing people
Your phone: "Ring."
You: "Yes?"
Telemarketing person: "Hi, my name is Dave Ja-Vu. Could I have a few minutes of your time?"
You: "Of course. How much do I get paid?"
Telemarketing person: "Wha.. ..ehrm.. ..you don't get paid?"
You: "I see. So you're working pro bono?"
Telemarketing person: "What? No."
You: "Well, that can only mean you believe your time to be more valuable than mine. I can assure you that's not the case. Goodbye."
Thank me later.
/JP
You: "Yes?"
Telemarketing person: "Hi, my name is Dave Ja-Vu. Could I have a few minutes of your time?"
You: "Of course. How much do I get paid?"
Telemarketing person: "Wha.. ..ehrm.. ..you don't get paid?"
You: "I see. So you're working pro bono?"
Telemarketing person: "What? No."
You: "Well, that can only mean you believe your time to be more valuable than mine. I can assure you that's not the case. Goodbye."
Thank me later.
/JP
Jamie Oliver, comedian?
One of the funniest things I read last year was that Jamie Oliver, supposedly, had rung up Angelina Jolie to congratulate her on the her new movie, Beowulf. Why I don't know, her performance in the film sucked so hard I left the theatre with a hickie (I suppose you could also go with "it blew so hard I left the theatre looking like Don King", neither of which is really funny, but you know.. Whatever floats your boat.). Anyway, according to the magazine, he mistakenly called her daughter Shiloh Pitt Piloh Shit.
Epic.
Truth be told, I'm not completely convinced he did call her firstborn a heap of poo though. Let's face it, Jamie can be entertaining, but he's not THAT entertaining. Come to think of it, I can't really think of a lot of chefs who are. The one show that stands out is The F Word with Gordon Ramsey which, once every blue moon, can be downright hilarious. I've got nothing against Ramsey, but whenever I see him discussing his cuisine with a guest, it’s like watching Monty Python’s dead parrot skit.
Patron: "I would like to register a complaint."
Gordon: "Yes?"
Patron: "This bread is stale."
Gordon: "No, it’s not."
Patron: "Yes, it is."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s crunchy."
Patron: "Listen mate, it’s like eating a brick."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s got texture."
Patron: "It hasn’t. The holy Bible has got texture. This bread is like eating said book."
Gordon: "Yeah, I know, it’s divine."
Even Bagdad Bob would be impressed.
/JP
Epic.
Truth be told, I'm not completely convinced he did call her firstborn a heap of poo though. Let's face it, Jamie can be entertaining, but he's not THAT entertaining. Come to think of it, I can't really think of a lot of chefs who are. The one show that stands out is The F Word with Gordon Ramsey which, once every blue moon, can be downright hilarious. I've got nothing against Ramsey, but whenever I see him discussing his cuisine with a guest, it’s like watching Monty Python’s dead parrot skit.
Patron: "I would like to register a complaint."
Gordon: "Yes?"
Patron: "This bread is stale."
Gordon: "No, it’s not."
Patron: "Yes, it is."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s crunchy."
Patron: "Listen mate, it’s like eating a brick."
Gordon: "No, it’s not. It’s got texture."
Patron: "It hasn’t. The holy Bible has got texture. This bread is like eating said book."
Gordon: "Yeah, I know, it’s divine."
Even Bagdad Bob would be impressed.
/JP
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Telemarketing people
Telemarketing is one of my biggest pet peeves, no doubts or questions about it. Chances are good I'll rant about it in the future, but right now, I'm simply going to recap a call I received not ten minutes ago.
The background information you need is this: should you look up my father, you'll find two mobile numbers. For various reasons, they actually belong to myself and my brother, respectively. Our father's own number is protected, unlisted, unavailable. You get the idea.
Mobile phone: "Ring, ring, ring.. ..banana phone."
Me: "JP."
Telemarketing woman: "Hi, my name is Johanna. I'm calling for Something-or-other. Is Peter there, please?"
Me: "No, he's not. This is his son speaking."
Telemarketing woman: "He's not? This is his number, isn't it?"
Me: "Technically, yes. In actuality, no. But I'll tell you what, give me your number and I'll pass it along to him."
Telemarketing woman: "I'm sorry, I can't give that to you. We will still need to contact him."
Me: "Yeah, well.. I'm not giving you his. There's a reason it's unlisted."
Telemarketing woman: "I understand. Is this number his (beginning to read me my brother's number)?"
Me: "No, it's not, it's my brother's. And even if it was, I wouldn't say. I just told you five seconds ago I'm not giving you my father's number. What part did you not understand?"
Telemarketing woman: "I'm just saying.."
Me: "You're just saying what?"
Telemarketing woman: "Nevermind, I'll just cross him off the list."
Me: "Yeah, you do that."
Morons.
/JP
The background information you need is this: should you look up my father, you'll find two mobile numbers. For various reasons, they actually belong to myself and my brother, respectively. Our father's own number is protected, unlisted, unavailable. You get the idea.
Mobile phone: "Ring, ring, ring.. ..banana phone."
Me: "JP."
Telemarketing woman: "Hi, my name is Johanna. I'm calling for Something-or-other. Is Peter there, please?"
Me: "No, he's not. This is his son speaking."
Telemarketing woman: "He's not? This is his number, isn't it?"
Me: "Technically, yes. In actuality, no. But I'll tell you what, give me your number and I'll pass it along to him."
Telemarketing woman: "I'm sorry, I can't give that to you. We will still need to contact him."
Me: "Yeah, well.. I'm not giving you his. There's a reason it's unlisted."
Telemarketing woman: "I understand. Is this number his (beginning to read me my brother's number)?"
Me: "No, it's not, it's my brother's. And even if it was, I wouldn't say. I just told you five seconds ago I'm not giving you my father's number. What part did you not understand?"
Telemarketing woman: "I'm just saying.."
Me: "You're just saying what?"
Telemarketing woman: "Nevermind, I'll just cross him off the list."
Me: "Yeah, you do that."
Morons.
/JP
Calling Stephen Fry
English isn't my native language, so every now and then, I come across a word or an expression that to the (comedy) outsider doesn't make much sense, if any at all.
As is the case with the use of "late".
Why, oh why, do you call dead people late? "Here's Miss Honeybottom, the widow of the late Lord Honeybottom." Of course he's late, he's d-e-a-d. It's not likely he's going to be early, now is it?
It also begs the question, if it really is better being late than never. I suppose, on a philosophical level, it may well be better being late than never, since late implies you actually were, whereas never implies you weren't. Oh, well. The argument would surely be enough to suck the life out of a kindergarden, so let's just leave it, shall we?
/JP
As is the case with the use of "late".
Why, oh why, do you call dead people late? "Here's Miss Honeybottom, the widow of the late Lord Honeybottom." Of course he's late, he's d-e-a-d. It's not likely he's going to be early, now is it?
It also begs the question, if it really is better being late than never. I suppose, on a philosophical level, it may well be better being late than never, since late implies you actually were, whereas never implies you weren't. Oh, well. The argument would surely be enough to suck the life out of a kindergarden, so let's just leave it, shall we?
/JP
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