The Comedy Outsider

Not the dog's bollocks

2009-06-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

In what may well be the most retarded story in quite some time (yes, it comes from the good old USA, who'd have thunk it?), a couple of therapy dogs are getting married.

Apparently, some idiot (possibly TGH spokeswoman Ellen Fiss) thought it would be a good idea to have two dogs get married. Another idiot, The St Petersburg Times staff writer Kim Wilmath, thought it would make for a good story.

Tell me again, would you please, why gays shouldn't be allowed to get married? And while you're at it, tell me why dogs would?

Seems to me the inmates are running the asylum and whatever administrative moron came up with the idea should seek therapy him- or herself.

/JP

Back on track

2009-06-08T01:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, but school has been so far upp my ass I've been coughing papers. Now, however, it's all over for the time being, so there should be more time to write nonsensical drivel for your limited amusement.

Anyway, let's start with the news. In Jamaica, lately there has been a number of broken penises reported. Apparently, a "violent sex act inspired dance" called "daggering" is the source of it all. I've never understood those sex dances myself, considering most [females] who perform them are prude, shy women who change their clothes in the bathroom to avoid beeing seen. The irony of it all, obviously, being that while they get off at acting like prostitutes, they are enraged when guys get any ideas what-so-ever. Either way, I don't want a dagger anywhere near my cock.

In other news, I've decided the guy who had sex with ladies' bicycles was probably just a velocipedophile.

Speaking of bikes, it's time to take out the motorycle. In a country where it's 6 degrees Celsius in the summer, you've got to make the most of the time the sun's actually out.

/JP

Ad up

2009-04-21T01:57:00.000-07:00

As I was on my way to the University earlier today, I noticed an ad for a tanning salon.

Apparently, they had two double rooms with two tanning booths each, seven single rooms with one tanning booth each and one standing tanning booth for what they claimed was a grand total of.. ..eleven.

Impressive.

/JP

Well, shit

2009-04-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

In order to make the Brits feel less insulted, here's a good reason why Wales is worse:

A night out in Cardiff.

/JP

Britain's got morons

2009-04-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

The Telegraph has listed 20 ridiculous complaints made by British holidaymakers. Having read through them, I have to say I was expecting this from the Yanks, but the Brits? I know I have British readers, so help me out here, people. Are they all from Essex or what?

"The beach was too sandy."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

I must admit though, I went on a Mediterranean cruise once with TCO's official girlfriend and the ship (is that the term?) was full of Brits. It seems to me, the normal Brits stay in England or go to France, whereas only old working class couples, fat blokes with bad tattoos and ginger kids go anywhere else. The food was also British, by the way. The girl got sick and I had to eat whenever we hit land. To put it bluntly, you people can't cook worth a shit.

/JP

Holy shit

2009-04-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

In yet another story linking priests to sex offenses, a Swedish priest has been sexually offending women on a Christian dating site. First of all, isn't a Christian dating site technically cheating considering they're all married to Jesus? If not married, at least they have a relationship with Him, don't they?

Anyway, the priest said: "I'm probably the least suitable person existing (to be a priest)".

Really? Less suitable than the Catholic child molestors? Less suitable than Joseph Fritzl? Fucking hell, mate. You need to be locked up.

/JP

Eyes wide slut

2009-03-31T07:34:00.001-07:00

Recently, TCO has discovered a trend among, shall we say, women of lesser intellect; They open their eyes as wide as possible when speaking. I say speaking, but I suppose chirping is closer to the truth. If it is a result of them only being able to do one thing at a time, either blinking or speaking, I do not know. What I do know is that it makes them look quite.. ..psychotic.

Cases in point - although they both have managed to keep their mouths shut, for the first time in ages, while the photos were taken.

Magdalena Graaf:

Carolina Gynning:

Of course, then there's Linda Rosing who just looks like Dolph Lundgren with a wig and make-up.

/JP

Giving it all she's got, captain

2009-03-31T07:02:00.001-07:00

In what is sure to spice up the Trek conventions (or whatever you call them), Star Trek is going pornographic.

Apparently, Hustler will be launching a porn version of the old TV-series. So, in an attempt at IKEA jokes - assemble them yourselves - here are a few, actual, quotes from the old series. Now picture them being said in a porn setting.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" -- Kirk
"That's not very damn funny." -- McCoy (Star Trek III)

"Don't call me Tiny." -- Sulu (Star Trek III)

"Spock, where the hell's the power you promised?" -- Kirk
"One damn minute, admiral" -- Spock (Star Trek IV)

"Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons." -- Spock, to Kirk (Star Trek V)

"You look quite well for a man that's been 'utterly destroyed', Mr. Spock." -- Kirk (Patterns of Force)

How about this episode title?

"I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget." -- McCoy (Space Seed)

And finally for a line that is wrong on so many levels:

"Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do....spank it?" -- McCoy (Star Trek: TMP)

/JP

English 101

2009-03-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

According to the current rules in Britain, migrants are required to know English.

Basically, it comes down to this: Under a "points" system, there are three main categories of immigrants coming to Britain from outside the EU to work, which are "highly skilled", "skilled" and "low-skilled" workers. The first two groups can eventually settle permanently in Britain; the third cannot. Basically, what they are saying is: "We'll take your lawyers, doctors and people who actually contribute. The poor, uneducated feckers can skive off to the US".

For some professions though, it all seems a bit redundant to me. For example, how the hell are you supposed to do well in a British court if you don't know the language? In any situation where you have to rely on language as your tool of trade, it would be an oxymoron calling you "highly skilled" if you didn't have the brains to be bothered to actually learn how to speak, read and write.

Customs officer: Alright, where you from?
Man: India.
Customs officer: Business or pleasure?
Man: I'm actually considering migrating here.
Customs officer: Really? Well, eh.. What do you work with? We've already got a ton of curry places, you know.
Man: I'm a comedian.
Customs officer: You know you have to be able to speak English, right?
Man: You know, I'm not sure my material will work here, but honestly, I doubt telling the jokes in hindi will help.

/JP

OT: TO

2009-03-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

And now for a football joke. If you don't know your NFL, move along.

Terrell Owens has missed the start of the Bills voluntary offseason conditioning program this week, which didn't come as a shock to, well, anyone.

The reason? He is to receive an award at sixth annual National Alzheimer's Gala.

Unlike the Bills though, they have a reason for forgetting what an asshole he is.

/JP

In the news

2009-03-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

And now for a quick recap of some of the latest stories.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson recently became a mother, giving birth to twins. TCO assumes she had an easy birth considering she was fully dilated even before getting pregnant.

A red wine that doesn't get give you hangovers has just been released. TCO notes that if you base your wine purchases on which bottle will give you the least headache the following day, chances are good you're an alcoholic.

According to a recent study, right wing Christian conservatives and mormons do the most porn surfing, or "browsing for gentlemen's selected reading" as I believe some call it. TCO tried to reach the anti-porn movement "American Mothers" for a comment, but without success as they were all busy watching a German teen fornicating with a midget.

Finally, Keira Knightley was nearly killed by a herd of cows. Apparently the story does not involve a mob of fat women with PMS, as mad cow disease has been ruled out of question. Since the event, Knightley has reportedly developed a strong resentment towards cows, becoming what you might call lactose intolerant.

/JP

I came, I sawed, I went to the hospital

2009-03-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

Every so often, a story comes along to prove once more that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter.

Yes, this is the story of a woman who, presumably along with her partner, decided it would be a grand idea to attach a dildo to a saber saw blade. That's right, not just the power tool, but the actual blade. Naturally, the saw cut through the plastic toy and into her.

Investigators spoke to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

I would argue, however, that it has to be a crime to be that stupid.

"Darling, I just had this great idea. You know you've been saying you'd like to spice up our sexlife? Well, I went down to the local Wal-Mart and got this saber saw. What I thought was, if you attach that Assdestructor 2000 I gave you for Valentine's to the blade, it'll be like being fucked by the Energizer bunny on speed and Viagra. Alright, I've prepared it.. Just spread wide, dear.. That's it. Oh, baby. I've never heard you scream like this before."

/JP

Just quit already

2009-03-19T10:10:00.001-07:00

Alright, time for another non comical piece. What I am about to write might cause a bit of controversy, but that is a risk I'm willing to take.

For better or worse, I have never really seen the humor in shows like "Balls of steel". Perhaps I'm too much of an academic to see the fun in acting like a complete retard, I don't know.

Case in point, Swedish comedian Nour El-Refai, a woman completely void of good judgment - any other explanation escapes me - was two years ago convicted of sexual harassment after having shown her breasts to a man. It was supposed to be a joke for the Swedish version of Balls of steel, but nobody saw the humor in it. Now, she's at it again. Apparently, while recording an upcoming edition of the show, she showed her vagina to tourists while yelling "women have hairy pussies, this is how it looks".

Now, please tell me how that is fucking funny.

A year ago Nour took a lot of heat for her performances at the Swedish Eurovision tryouts. I actually defended her publically, stating that humor is like sexual preference and that even though a majority of people don't find her funny, you cannot draw the conclusion that nobody does. However, I will back her up no more. It has become ever so apparent that if there ever was an exception to the rule, she would be it.

I don't know if her act is a cry for attention or a call for help. I honestly wouldn't rule the latter out, in which case this whole thing is downright tragic. Either way, for the love of all that is holy, change your career, Nour. Right now, you are a disgrace to yourself as well as to the entire world of comedy and, despite not having a funny atom in your entire body, a complete and utter joke. To make matter worse, there isn't anything even remotely funny about that either.

/JP

You're so good-looking

2009-03-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

According to two British doctors, sneezing can be a sign of sexual arousal. Apparently, the whole thing stems from a man who sneezed when thinking of sex and the doctors then reportedly found "several men and women" who suffered from the same problem. Furthermore, the doctors found three persons who claimed to sneeze after orgasm. Despite only two actual cases ever having been published - any made up pornographic novels notwithstanding - the doctors drew the conclusion that this is a common issue.

TCO is officially calling BS on the whole thing.

How many times have you heard your partner reaching sexual climax with the words "Ah, ah, AH, ACHOOO!"? I would bet you have, during the act of love making, said "Oh, God" a lot more times than you have said "Bless you".

Granted, there are sure to be a handful of evolutionary fuckups where the genetical wiring isn't what it should be, but a common issue? Right. That's like the reaction from those magazines your friends used to read when you were in your early teens, such as "KP" for the Swedes.

"Dear KP. I have a slight problem. I decided to put my penis inside our neighbor's puppy Fred. At first it felt good, but then I realized I was allergic to dogs. My penis got all green and weird and funny smelling, so I drenched it in acetone. Now it's a sort of red-green mix, still weird and funny smelling and it burns when I pee. The cat is also looking at me with an unusual look of fear and contempt. What should I do? Sam, age 10.

Dear Sam. This is perfectly normal."

As if.

/JP

Mosebacke Anarchy

2009-03-16T09:58:00.001-07:00

And now for an important message for our Swedish readers. Well, a message anyway. I suppose you don't have to be Swedish to read it, being able to read Swedish will surely do it. Or knowing someone who can. Fuck it, here goes.

Glöm inte att kika på den nya humorsatsningen som TCO, tillsammans med andra, kommer vara del av; Mosebacke Anarki. Lika delar humor, cynism, ironi och satir. Intas lättast med en nypa salt.

That is all. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

/JP

I went on the internet, part II

2009-03-16T03:06:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the reason why farting in a gimp suit isn't a good idea.

/JP

A line drawn in the sand

2009-03-14T00:48:00.001-07:00

The struggle for power over Madagascar is becoming more intense with every passing day.

Apparently, King Julien's flamboyant style of leading has finally gotten old and Maurice has started an outbreak group of gerilla insurgents.

/JP

Dial G for God

2009-03-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong (how's that for a name?) has received world-wide attention after setting up what he claims is a direct line, a hotline as it were, to God.

Apparently, you dial the number and then get an answering machine saying that you've reached God, but that he isn't in at the moment. If you leave a message, who knows, he might get back to you.

How funny would it be to change that message to all of a sudden just go "WHAT?!? I'm fucking trying to sleep here! For the love of myself, will you people ever just shut the hell up? Jesus Christ.. No, not you, son."?

/JP

Not a cat burglar

2009-03-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

In Australia - where else, I suppose - a family suddenly found a kangaroo in its home. Apparently, the large marsupial had, somehow, managed to jump through a window and onto a bed.

A story in itself, perhaps, but the headlines it has generated are downright amazing.

Aftonbladet: "Kangaroo breaks into house with small children".

The Times' is even better: "Terror spree of ninja kangaroo".

Apparently, you were wrong thinking that it was the story of a herbivor with, I'm guessing, some sort of eyesight issue. If anything, it sounds like a highly skilled Japanese covert sexual predator.

The family father said: "When it was all over I had a few scratches on my legs, and there wasn't much left of my underwear."

I wouldn't be surprised if the kangaroo ended up being Gary Glitter in a furry jumpsuit.

/JP

You would be better off blind

2009-03-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

And now for a public service announcement.

TCO's official girlfriend has once again sat through an entire episode of Linda Rosing's tv show because, in her words, "there wasn't anything on". I decided, against better judgment, to watch a few minutes. As a result, I'm officially warning anyone and everyone who hasn't seen it.

It was the most braindead, retarded piece of television I have ever come across. Honestly, I feel as if my eyes have been raped.

Now, we all know Linda Rosing is as bright as a broken bulb. What kind of guys would you think wants to date her? That's right. Morons.

Honestly, I would eat my gentleman's vegetables before I ever watch that shit again.

Fucking hell.

/JP

Rimshot

2009-03-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Petra Mede, at the Swedish Eurovision qualifications, did the following joke:

"Caroline af Ugglas is an amazing woman. She's a mother, writes her own songs, has horses, her own choirs and much more. I don't understand how she does it. I have problems even keeping my personal hygiene in check".

And yet she stinks.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to try the veal.

/JP

A cheap date

2009-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I was just watching the Swedish elite league playoffs (hockey) on Channel 5. It just so happens it's the same channel that airs Linda Rosing's show. During the commercials, I saw a trailer for said show. Apparently, Rosing was, along with her hopefuls, going to Prague.

I kid you not, she was making out with every single one of them. One of them actually had his camera out while they were doing it. It was like Alien vs Sexual Predator.

I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as the plane landed, one of her labias said to the other: "Alright, I'll see you in a week then".

Amazing.

/JP

Break a leg

2009-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

And now, TCO is happy to announce, it's back to comedy after a few blogs that can most easily be described as thoughts from a loudmouth malcontent.

To put us on the right track, a Chilean man was arrested after his broken leg was found to be clad in a cast made from cocaine.

That is just epic.

The man presumably broke his own leg in order to fool the X-rays. Only he forgot they have dogs too.

Ironically, we're all now thinking he probably was plastered.

/JP

Another great role model

2009-03-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

Kija Habibzadeh, a woman working part time at a youth recreation centre, has just been fired. The reason being, according to Aftonbladet, that she's a model.

However, actually reading the article, you find out that the woman, an ex docusoap star (and I use the term "star" quite loosely), has a website featuring, among other things, images of her in latex and fetisch outfits, as well as nude ones. The website even says that the images are for adults only.

Habibzadeh's own take: "Is it wrong to be a good looking youth recreation centre leader? They're not porn images and we're talking about a mother. She's either jealuous or racist!"

Yes, obviously. That must be it. Adult-only images of nudity, latex and fetisches, that's not porn. And posing nude, in latex and various fetisches, that's not posing for porn, that's, eh, er, ehm, glamour modelling!

Glamour modelling. That's like calling McDonalds "fine dining". Any way you look at it, it's still cheap crap though.

/JP

Game, set, match

2009-03-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

Backhand. Forehand. Backhand. Chris Brown really is beating the crap out of Rihanna.

Yes, it's been all over the news by now. Chris Brown apparently beat the living daylights out of his girlfriend, Rihanna.

Her response? Marriage, perhaps?

Apparently, the way to win a girl's heart is to smash her face in. Nothing says "I love you" like two across the eyes. A huge dildo the obvious lone exception.

Do you think he'll stop? I'm willing to bet he won't. Abusive men seldom do. Yet the women keep coming back. Time after another. It's amazing.

A so called expert recently said that we shouldn't blame the women since they're not the ones doing the beating. Of course not, but they do come back. It's like standing in the middle of a heavily trafficked highway and saying that you shouldn't be blamed if you get run over because you're not doing the driving. While that may be true, your chances of not getting hit at all improve dramatically if you use the sidewalk. The same goes for these women. If you beat your girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, you are a pathetic excuse for a man who should be imprisoned. If you have an abusive boyfriend and keep coming back, not telling anyone nor seeking help, you are a moron. End of story.

Either way, as Jimmy Carr once said: "Why beat your own girlfriend? That's like keying your own car."

/JP

Wacko Jacko's not backo

2009-03-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

Just the other day, you could find headlines in most newspapers about what was going to be the triumphant return of Michael Jackson.

Not so fast.

It turns out everyone was wrong. In a news conference that took place just minutes before this very blog was written, Jackson said he'd do ten more gigs in London, then leave the stage for good.

I'm guessing the number "ten" was chosen since it's not unlikely that's the magic line where Jackson loses interest. And yes, you know what I'm getting at.

Can't say I care all that much. As I've said before, Jackson is just a pale version of his old self anyway.

Another comeback in the news recently, Britney Spears has given her first concert in quite some time. According to various reports, she was a smash hit and is now "back", as the saying goes. An interesting sentiment considering she didn't even sing at the event.

Anyway, it reminds me of an old, very bad joke I came up with.

"Why did Britney Spears shave her head? She went on a G.I. diet."

/JP

What a bust

2009-03-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

Although it surely cannot have come as a surprise to, well, anyone , Linda Rosing's new show is turning out to be a massive flop.

For those keeping score at home, Rosing has now failed at everything she has ever attempted. Cha, beware.

/JP

David Mitchell's soapbox commentary, part III

2009-03-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

In his third soapbox rant, David Mitchell goes on about Wales. Not the fact that it's a useless piece of land where people spell with complete disregard to common decency. Surely calling a town Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, for example, is plain rude? "Llanfair" would have sufficed.

No, contrary to what some of you may have thought, Mitchell doesn't belittle the country but rather shows an unusual amount of appreciation.

Me, I've never been to Wales, so I couldn't care less. Some comedian suggested dropping an atomic bomb on the place - I'm guessing it was Jimmy Carr - which would probably lead to, what, five quid worth of damage?

/JP

Green of, eh, something

2009-03-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

TCO's official girfriend was browsing through the TV channels earlier and came across Linda Rosing's new show which was, it must be said, a new low for modern television. And yes, that is saying something.

Anyway, I looked at her, and I couldn't help thinking I've seen her somewhere before.

And then it hit me.

/JP

Calling Stephen Fry, part III

2009-02-26T05:22:00.000-08:00

A neighbourhood watch or a peeping Tom?

/JP

If at first you don't succeed, part II

2009-02-25T02:29:00.000-08:00

Just to keep you all updated, previously blogged about Cha has now failed yet another four times, making it thus far 775 failed attempts at passing the written part of the Korean driver's exam.

That is all.

/JP

If life gives you lemons

2009-02-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

In an obviously, as Russel Howard put it, "piss your pants funny" moment, a friend of mine just told me he's gotten a mosquito bite in his ass. No, not on it. In it. I have no idea how he ended up with a bite just millimetres from the actual entrance to the lavender passageway. Perhaps he decided to write a W on each cheek and go "WOW" in front of what turned out to be a not-so-impressed bug, I don't know.

Anyway, apparently it's itching like crazy and he asked me what to do.

Obviously, the way to stop a mosquito bite from itching is to rub it with lemon.

I'm just picturing his girlfriend, walking into the bathroom only to find him with a citrus fruit firmly clenched between his buttocks.

"Hey, have you.. ..WHOA! What the FUCK are you doing?!?"
"I'm er.. ..the world's first human juice press."

Want to bet his ass won't be the only thing in the bathroom turning sour?

/JP

David Mitchell's soapbox commentary, parts I and II

2009-02-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

British comedian David Mitchell is currently doing a series of, well, commentaries on daily life, I suppose, for Meet the bulldog.

As it so happens, I'm doing a series of, well, commentaries on these commentaries. I will be giving my two cents on his two cents after every episode. Obviously, you'll have to listen to his ramblings to make any sense of mine, but since David Mitchell is a brilliant comedian, you can rest safely assured that his videos are brilliant as well. In other words, it won't be a duty as much as a pleasure. Not taking into account that the last sentence sounded like an advert for pornstar recruiting, let's get straight to it.

In his first episode, Mitchell asked for advice on how to remove a mouse from his house. This had to be done without killing said rodent. My suggestion - tell the mouse to move to Alan Carr's house. If the mouse doesn't care about the possibility of a pussy free haven, lure it into a closet. With any luck, there will actually be a lion in there. If not, the mouse will come out of the closet, and you can once again try Alan Carr's house.

In the second episode, Mitchell spoke about the impossibility of giving women flowers without it having to mean something romantically. Personally, I've always thought it was more a question of context, but I suppose it varies from culture to culture. Anyway, if in fact the flowers have meaning, what do they say? A dozen red roses - you want to take her in front of a fireplace with classic music playing softly in the background? A cactus - you're Max Mosley and you vill have ze bottom zpanked NOW, SCHNELL?

/JP

The gift that keeps on giving

2009-02-14T00:56:00.000-08:00

Well, today is Valentine's. All over the world, men are stricken by panic by that very fact as they realize it's V-day and they still haven't bought anything. Luckily, I just heard a radio ad that claimed to have "the perfect gift".

The ad went - and I'm not making this up - "Dildooo, dildooo, dildooo. Buy your sex toys at [insert store name here], it's the perfect Valentine's gift."

Right. Nothing says "I love you" like a prosthetic cock.

"Oh, is that my present?"
"Why yes, dear. It is."
"Oh, darling."
"I knew you had been drooling over that Dior necklace the better part of a year now, but just as I was going to buy it, I decided to give you something really special instead; the perfect gift."
"What, well.. The necklace would have sufficed."
"No, no.. You're worth nothing less than the best. So here it is, the Assdestructor 2000 - a 15 inch black vibrator featuring twelve speed settings and a rotating glans. Ribbed for your pleasure."

/JP

Redneck high culture

2009-02-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

Stand aside, barber of Seville. The life of Anna-Nicole Smith is about to become an opera.

"It is not going to be a horrible, sleazy evening," Elaine Padmore, Covent Garden's director of opera told the Guardian. "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad.

In other words, everything she was in life, the opera won't be. Everything she wasn't, short of sad, the opera will be.

Next in line: Joseph Fritzl, the opera. Supposedly featuring an uplifting story, the opera is going to be performed out in the open, and people will be able to come and go as they like.

/JP

Better late than never

2009-02-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

Nadya Suleman has been seen a lot in the media recently. Yes, she's the single mother of six who, despite numerous warnings, decided to have eight more children through IVF. At once.

Now, it's being reported that she's obsessed with Angelina Jolie. As a result, her mental health is being questioned.

If you are keeping score at home, this is a woman who has been in and out of psychiatric wards, decided to have eight kids at once despite already having six and NOW her mental health is being questioned because she might be obsessed with Angelina Jolie? If anything, it sounds to me as if she's obsessed with Kerry Ketona. Either way, it has to be better than Mickey Rourke wanting to look like "The Thing" out of Fantastic 4. Or Donatella Versace wanting to look like Mickey Rourke, for that matter.

Regardless, surely there were other signs the elevator didn't really reach the top floor, such as - I'm taking wild shots here - the recorded mental instability and having an additional eight children at once to go with the previous six?

Amazing.

/JP

Buy a mac

2009-02-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

In the light of the Brand/Ross incident in the UK, it seems the PC society of America is making its way across the pond to Europe. A recent local sign was a number of complaints Swedish comedian (and I use the term comedian quite loosely) Petra Mede received for the following joke at the Swedish Eurovision qualifications:

"So, I hear your dream is to become like Ella Fitzgerald? Fat and with diabetes?"

Now, as Jimmy Carr - and as most know I share his opinion - said, humor is like sexual preference, nobody can tell you what to like. To me, Petra Mede has always been the equivalent of masturbating with a cheese grinder; slightly amusing, but mostly painful. Still, I have to defend her right to tell the joke.

Basically every single joke is built the same way. First, the comedian makes a statement which leads the audience into making an assumption. The comedian then, in what is often called the "punchline", says something that will reveal to the audience that the assumption they made was erroneous. As a result they will, hopefully, laugh. The reason I find most Swedish comedians horrendously dull is that I can see the punchline coming a mile away, so the assumption turns out to be correct. Anyway, I digress.

Now, to say that you don't like a certain joke or that you find it offensive is perfectly fine. However, you have to keep in mind that offense is taken, not given. You cannot demand that everyone else should share your views, that nobody else should find the joke funny. Such a demand is not only incredibly egocentric, it's also absurd. Everything that's on TV or radio cannot possibly float your boat, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be allowed.

The people who complained about this joke did so because it was the only joke she did that affected them and, I'm quite certain, it also fitted their agenda. To me though, it also seems quite counterproductive. The people who complained said that they had been trying to tell their children that diabetes is nothing to be ashamed about - of course it's not - but through their complaints, what they are really saying to their children is that it is. As usual though, it's much easier to put the blame on someone else than to take it yourself.

/JP

Into the closet

2009-02-07T05:31:00.000-08:00

A general rule of thumb is that girls who pose nude - I suppose the same would be true for guys who pose nude as well - aren't too bright.

In fact, most of the times you doubt the bulb working at all.

Case in point:

What a star.

/JP

If at first you don't succeed

2009-02-06T05:54:00.000-08:00

..maybe skydiving isn't for you.

However, if at first you don't succeed when taking the written part of the driver's exam, how about another 770 tries?

This is the story of a 68-year old Korean woman called "Cha" who, back in 2005, decided she should get a driver's license. She failed the written exam. Tried again. Failed. Tried anew. Failed yet again. Tried an additional 768 times. Failed each and every one of them. It must be said, an achievement in its own right.

However, sometimes there are subtle hints that certain activities might not be for you. For example, Gordon Brown - the Droopy of politics - might not make a great lingerie model considering nature gave him the face of a scrotum and the body of a sack of potatoes. Failing a test close to 800 times is a hint as subtle as an exploding grenade in a China store.

Just give it up already and hire a chauffeur.

/JP

Musical madness

2009-02-06T03:10:00.000-08:00

And now for something completely different.

Örebro public musical school, performing "Also Sprach Zarathusthra" to the images of Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey".

Sounds like an elephant being anally raped.

/JP

A sign of the recession

2009-02-05T04:52:00.000-08:00

As someone who's in the field of corporate finance, here's as sure a sign of the recession as anything:

Yes, I'm referring to Linda Rosing's new TV-show.

They obviously hired the cheapest woman they could find.

/JP

Stealing common knowledge

2009-02-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

Recently, things have been unusually quiet on the Spersian front. Now though, Britney is back in the headlines, this time as a result of the claimed theft of her diaries.

Apparently, this is a disaster to Spears as the diaries contained information on her recent troubled past.

Let me make this perfectly clear: There is nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero, nought that the world, and any other alien empires that may be watching, does not know about your past, Britney. If anyone was to print an encyclopedia over the published details of your redneck existence, there wouldn't be a tree left on the planet.

/JP

Pure pornography

2009-02-04T10:48:00.001-08:00

Dear readers. If you ever find yourselves having too much money and think that a good idea to fix the problem would be giving TCO a little something to show your appreciation - or whatever other reason may float your boat - I wouldn't mind the latest release from Aston Martin. The Vantage V12.

Now that is a biblically beautiful car.

/JP

Snowjob

2009-02-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

As most know, the UK has been "paralysed" by what the Brits call a "snowstorm". Planes are unable to take off or land, schools close (much to the parents' fury) and basically it's a state of emergency. Three snowflakes and the government declares martial law.

Snow that barely gets above the soles of your shoes isn't a problem.

It's like discussing history (although the argument stands on basically any topic apart from how to get fat) with an American.

"Yeah, this placed was established all the way back in 1978. It's very old."

Get a sense of perspective already.

/JP

Sluts in the city redux, part III

2009-02-03T03:31:00.001-08:00

And for the final installment of this three part miniseries, Aftonbladet is reporting today that women, in a to TCO quite disturbing trend, have started liposucking their calves as well as mutilating their feet.

The reason? To be able to fit in their latest pair of Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos. Oh, that's designer shoes, btw.

Where was this whole thing started? Where were these shoes made popular?

You guessed it.

Sex and the city.

Setting a great example for women everywhere since 1998.

/JP

Sluts in the city redux, part II

2009-02-01T23:39:00.000-08:00

A while back, TCO wrote about the show "Lipstick jungle", essentially exactly the same show as Sex in the city only without the horse.

As - we're guessing here - TCO's official brother commented, there is also a second carbon copy show called Cashmere mafia.

However, in a weird and, let's be honest about it, unusual display of good taste, the networks have decided to cancel both shows.

An obvious display of the power and influence of TCO, no doubt.

Anyone want any other show cancelled? I'll be in the bar drinking celebratory champagne should you need me.

/JP

A class act

2009-01-30T03:07:00.000-08:00

A while back, TCO reported on the Linda Rosing birthday party which, according to the guest of honor, was to be an event of class and glamour.

Here's a classy and glamorous picture, taken at the event.

Apparently, Max the stripper had just put lotion (that's the official version anyway) in her hands and asked her to rub his penis.

I'm guessing the closest she has ever gotten to class is detention. I mean, if you were to look up the word class, chances are you wouldn't find an image of her for a number of reasons.

1 ) Most dictionaries don't have pictures.
2) Even if you are the sort of moron who has pictures in his or her dictionary, chances are the pictures will still be child-friendly.
3) If there ever was any doubt - there wasn't - she has now clearly shown she is the antonym of class.

/JP

To mend a broken heart, you obviously don't need superglue

2009-01-30T02:47:00.000-08:00

Lost love? Broken heart? Don't worry, Hugh Hefner has the cure.

All you need is a 22-year old, surgically enhanced blonde and two 19-year old, surgically enhanced twin blondes, and you're good to go.

It also probably doesn't hurt if you've got a couple of hundred million dollars stashed away, I'm guessing.

/JP

If I ruled the world

2009-01-30T02:03:00.000-08:00

On the way in to work today, I found myself standing next to none other than Linda Rosing.

I swear, the plastic surgeon who did her face must have used nothing else than botox and a ruler.

She looks like a large breasted version of Kryten.

Blech.

/JP

No. Dear Lord, no.

2009-01-30T01:58:00.000-08:00

Isabella "Blondinbella" Löwengrip has much to the delight of TCO decided to shut down her blog. A battle won in the war against stupidity, but the fight goes on.

Sadly though, she apparently means to go to law school, where coincidentally is where you can find yours truly for another year or so.

Whoop dee fucking do.

/JP

Your vote is needed

2009-01-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

Alright, people. Time for some shameless requests. TCO's official girlfriend is in desperate need of a new bike, so get all of your friends and their friends and their friends and so forth to go vote, vote, vote for the bike she designed.

Just click the image and vote away.

Thank you.

/JP

High flying ideas

2009-01-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

According to reports, flying cars are about to become reality.

Why, if you've got a car that can fly, would you be on the ground in the first place? "Yeah, I know I can fly all the way there, but I really miss being stuck in traffic."

Just buy a helicopter and shut up already.

/JP

Idiots say the darndest things

2009-01-26T05:28:00.000-08:00

Had almost forgotten about this piece. Written late December while sitting on a bus heading for TCO's official cottage up north, alongside TCO's official girlfriend.

"Always the diligent one, TCO never takes a break. Truth be told, something happened on the bus that had to be written down for future generations’ benefit. A discouraging example, perhaps, but that’s reality for you. Smacks you in the mouth like Mike Tyson on steroids when you least expect it.

Now, as I am writing this, a woman is seated two seats behind me. This would obviously be perfectly normal if not for the fact that this woman is a genetic breakthrough. Not more beautiful than any previous being, nor stronger in any way, shape or form. No, this unique sentient is, by my estimate at least, the first human ever to actually be able to breathe despite having an IQ below 10.

The rest of us miserable sods - and rest assured she's speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear whether they want to or not - have so far been told, among other things, that we all should keep in mind when skiiing or snowboarding that you go faster down a slope sideways than you do straight down. Also, Facebook is like, really funny, only it’s like not, because it’s like boring and stuff.

I’m certain she should be on a bus somewhere, but this isn’t it.

It's amazing how some people, admittedly most of whom haven't been blessed with much more brain capacity than that of your average gerbil, seem to think that the best way to prove a point, is to speak louder than everyone else. It's the caps lock way of reasoning. Any second now, I'm expecting her to roll on the floor, laughing her fucking ass off. Or something of that nature.

If only her father had used protection on his hardware nine months before her birth.

Or had wanked instead."

/JP

35 going on 70

2009-01-26T02:51:00.000-08:00

As promised, normal services are about to be resumed. Helping TCO to get back in form, Linda Rosing is throwing a birthday party. For whatever reason, TCO has not yet received an official invite. Go figure.

Apparently, she's celebrating her 35th birthday, although looking at the recent photos of her, I'd say she's celebrating the 35th year of being 30.

The event is, according to Linda, going to be classy and glamorous. Admittedly, asking her about class can quite easily be perceived as being along the same lines as asking Josef Fritzl to comment on parenting advice. To further illustrate my point, Rosing will be arriving to the event in a white Hummer limo, and once at the party, will be presented with a specially made birthday cake in the shape of two enormous breasts.

Rosing said in regards of the cake: "Haha, well. That's me. Two boobs."

Well, Linda.. You're not bringing anything else to the table, I'll give you that.

/JP

That's just perfect, part II

2009-01-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

..and the rant goes on.

In today's Aftonbladet, you can read about a website called "Operation Perfect" which features women who pose nude and tell the men who use the website what they would like surgically enhanced. The idea is that the men, in return, pay for the surgeries. The women? They get, according to the owner of the site, "the operation" (i.e. as soon as the men's contributions reach the target amount), "model photography sessions" (meaning more nude images), "make-up" (a fair assumption during the photo shoot) and "nightlife" (probably meaning entrance to a club and two free drinks for a blowjob).

Oh, and they are also forced to go on a date with one of the guys who paid for their surgery.

Think they'll be forced into anything else? "You know, I paid for those. You owe me."

Yet another example of reducing the value of a person to an image you can masturbate to, or an image that will sell your piece of shit magazine, and the tragic, misguided young women who actually believe the words of those in charge.

It is just fucking sad.

Sorry about the rant. Normal services will be resumed shortly.

/JP

That's just perfect

2009-01-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Swedish TV5 is airing a show, or documentary, or something or other, that pisses me off to no end. It's called "Victoria Silvstedt - My perfect life" and features, according to the channel, "glamour".

Now, this is a woman of the same mold as a lot of women who have been featured on TCO; blonde, surgically enhanced women with an IQ of that of a brick, living ever so slightly on the right side of the border between prostitution and "glamour modelling". Let's face it, if she didn't swallow, she'd be the spitting image of Jenna Jameson, one or two videos removed.

What really gets me worked up though, is that this joke of a woman, best known for drunken stupors during which she has fallen out of cars, half naked in front of paparazzis, is somehow perceived as living the "perfect life". What kind of signal does this send to young women? That the road to glory is posing nude, causing scandals and giving up everything even remotely connected to an intellect? And what is that so called glory in reality? Free drinks in Saint Tropez with old, overweight mediterranean men whose only request in return is sex, preferrably on tape?

It's a market created by the media. The glamour of posing nude, the horror when someone actually looks at the pictures. Either way, the girls end up fucked in every meaning of the word while the media makes money.

Fucking disgusting.

/JP

Hugh surprise

2009-01-17T01:13:00.000-08:00

In the never ending drama that is Hugh Hefner and his "girlfriends", the latest episode involves Kendra Wilkinson admitting to having been unfaithful.

The world dropped its collective jaw upon hearing the news that a girl who has posed nude had even more damage to her moral compass.

Wilkinson said: "I had to have sex to be able to feel like a healthy human being". Funny, I thought the reason you dated Hef was, what's the word you all use now again, "love"?

The statement has lead TCO to come up with the following economic formula for relationships:

Love - Free.
Gold digging bimbos - Cheap.
Divorces - Expensive.

/JP

The great taste of addiction

2009-01-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

Nicorette, maker of among other things nicotine patches, are launching their new gums through an ad campaign featuring the slogan "so good some people will do anything for them".

Now, I've never smoked, so I can't really speak from experience about dealing with trying to give up an addiction. Having said that, I would imagine taste wouldn't have as much to do with it as, oh, the nicotine. It's not as is you walk into a store, thinking about whether to buy the best foie gras and champagne available or go ahead and really treat yourself to some lovely Nicorette gums.

In line with the Nicorette campaign, perhaps other drugs will follow suit?

LSD pills - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Amphetamine - The quicker picker-upper.

Acid - Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

And so forth.

/JP

A disgrace to the human race, part II

2009-01-15T03:23:00.000-08:00

A while back, TCO wrote about the story of a child being named Adolf Hitler.

Today, it's being reported that the child has been taken by social services.

In related news, a child in New Zealand was taken, and replaced in a foster family, as a result of her being named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Now, I don't know about you, good people, but I can't help feeling, wouldn't it have been easier just to change her name? Anyway, I also feel there's a difference between people and people. Looking at some celebrity babies:

Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. "The Apple didn't fall far from the tree, but he probably needs medical attention."

Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan.

Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell. A mix of a protected species and an alien species.

Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole). We get it. You like jeans.

Fifi Trixibell: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie). Sounds like a French 18th century prostitute.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence. Or "Crouching Tiger, hidden dragon" as she will be known once she loses her virginity.

Ireland: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Kal-El Coppola: Nicholas Cage. It's was either that or Francis Ford Superman, I suppose.

Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn.

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin.

Moxie CrimeFighter: Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten).

Sage Moonblood: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh).

And my personal favorite: Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf.

"I would like to order some tickets to London, please."
"Yes, sir. That can be arranged. Your name, please?"
"Pilot Inspektor Lee."
"And your first name?"
"Pilot Inspektor."
"I'm sorry, sir, not your occupation. Your first name, please?"
"Pilot Inspektor."
"Sir, if you don't give me your first name, I can't make the necessary arrangements."
"My name is Pilot Inspektor!"

Wouldn't it just be epic if he ended up being a pilot inspector? "My name is pilot inspector Pilot Inspektor. Pilot Inspektor by name, pilot inspector by trade. Here's my wife - Cock Pit Inspektor. Pit inspector by day, cock inspector by night."

Some people.

/JP

On pace

2009-01-14T08:16:00.000-08:00

Swedish Institute of Public Health is today stating that 10,000 steps each day won't keep you in shape.

Not if they all are to and from the pizza buffet, no.

If they all are uphill, say, Mount Everest, I'm thinking they will.

I've never understood the expression "get in shape" though to be honest. Round is a shape as well, is it not?

/JP

Old news, part II

2009-01-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

And now for the nastiest story of the year, and yes, we know it will stand at the end of the year. The claim, that is, not "a penis". After you've read this story, chances are good your penis won't stand again for quite some time.

This is the story of Casa Xochiquetzal, a brothel featuring nothing but elderly prostitutes. The story is based on the documentary "The house of the setting sun", a fitting name considering most women are so old they actually saw the creation of the sun.

Case in point:

Now if that image doesn't get your cock hard.. ..chances are you're not blind.

Lulu, 61, stated in regards to the "work" that there are "good sides and bad sides. And it affects you and kills you from within".

Yes, Lulu. That's called "HIV".

/JP

Old news

2009-01-13T00:48:00.000-08:00

Swedish opera diva Kjerstin Dellert, age 83, is launching her own workout DVD for elders.

A workout DVD for people who barely can move, let alone operate a DVD-player.

That has to be like writing a book on golf for illiterate rednecks.

/JP

Not a compliment to complements

2009-01-10T04:50:00.000-08:00

Andreas Kleerup, former boyfriend of Carolina Gynning and Linda Rosing alike, said during his acceptance speech at the Grammis Awards, in regards of a police drug raid being performed at the live televised event:

"It's too bad we live in a country where the policemen are so fucking dry. If you see someone with an [intercom] in his ear, make sure you pee before."

Not only a retarded statement, but also indisputable evidence that not only opposites, but also complements, attract.

/JP

Dancing with the, ehm, something

2009-01-10T04:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, a new season of "Dancing with the stars" has kicked off and despite not actually watching the show, the entire country knows everything that anyone has ever said or done that in any way, shape or form can be even remotely connected to the so called celebrity competition.

Apparently, the new series features, among others, Isabella Löwengrip - more known as Blondinbella - whose claim to fame is that she has a fashion oriented blog that people supposedly read. In short, she's yet another blonde teenage bimbo who has been given too much time in the public eye already. To prove the point, she released the following statements on taking part on the show.

"Soon, all of Sweden will be able to see my butt!", in regards to her not being able to dance and instead will resort to showing off her ass.. ..ets. The intellectual approach, as it were.

"It's hard, but when my partner tells me to become like Britney Spears, I really get going", yet again in regards to her dancing skills. That's right, baby. Shake it like a mentally unstable redneck.

When asked if being on the show gave her "cred", she came up with the following gem: "Yes, it's the coolest thing you can do. And to stand here with people who have had much longer careers than I have is so cool."

No, just about anything anywhere is "cooler" than being on a show featuring havebeens, werenots and whothats, dear. Also, you haven't left school yet. The toilet paper I bought the other day has had a longer career than you have, although admittedly it has also been filled with crap.

Also on the show is (was?) former Big Brother contestant Kitty Jutbring who, after having received bottom marks, cried and said she was going to start a Facebook group called "Hate the jury". She's currently doing radio shows for prepubescents and thus proved she shares the mental prowess and maturity of her target audience.

/JP

2009 Kick off

2009-01-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Just a few days into 2009 and the stories keep coming faster than I can ridicule them. It's like a neverending pile of shit.

Anyway, in the news this week: First off, there was the Vail incident. Basically, a skier almost fell to his possible death by somehow managing to fall of a lift, a sure Darwin award nominee. However, his trousers got stuck in the lift, thus preventing him from falling. Lucky, you say? I'm not sure he agrees.

It was probably a cold day too.

The, excuse the legal term, moron then sued the photographer. I'm assuming he'll be counter-sued for indecent exposure as well as class action sued by the human race for stealing our oxygen.

In other cock-related news, the porn industry is demanding $5 Billion from the US Congress to support them during the depression. If there was one industry you'd thought would benefit from hard times..

Hustler owner Larry Flynt said: "People are too depressed to have sex. This is highly unhealthy for a nation. The American people can do without cars and things, but they can't live without sex." An interesting statement considering most consumers of porn live without sex, which is why they have to watch others having it.

Finally, Jordan has been kicked out of Facebook. "They won't get rid of me that easily", she said, to which the rest of the world replied with a unanimous sigh "Tell us about it". I'm not sure Jordan understands the concept of rhetorical questions and thus probably will soon in every newspaper ever made anywhere. Oh, joy.

/JP

I went on the internet

2009-01-05T08:42:00.001-08:00

And I found this.

"So, you're interested in cars?"
"Yeah, I love cars."
"Gearhead, huh?"
"No, I mean I REALLY love cars."
"Ehm, ok."
"Mhmm. Did you see that old Range Rover of mine? I like to dress up like a prostitute, sneak up and take it from behind, fucking it up the tailpipe. Oh, yeah baby.. It loves it, the filthy bitch."
"Yeah, it.. ..wait, what?"
"Here, I've got photos."

/JP

Seasonal reviews

2008-12-26T01:49:00.000-08:00

Well, people. Time has come for TCO to take a one week hiatus and fuck off snowboarding. So, with one last blog post, the 100th of the year as well, it's time to summarize what we've learned over the past twelve months.

We started off in February, with Britney Spears' suicide watch which TCO estimated would have made for some great television.

In March, Carolina Gynning made her first appearance as a result of her show "In the head of Carolina Gynning" which essentially was made up of one hour long episodes featuring nothing but static noise and a blank screen.

April featured one of the biggest jokes in recent history - Linda Rosing - and yet another failure of hers, trying not to be a complete pain in everyone's ass. It lasted for all of five minutes.

In May, the official birthday month of TCO's brother, we learned that "OGC" didn't stand for the Office of Government Commerce, but rather One Giant Cock-up.

Then June and July came along and just like any other newsyear, not much happened. TCO was mainly found riding a sportsbike somewhere in Sweden. Sun was warm. Women were semi nude. Same shit, different year.

TCO then went back into form in August, when it became painfully obvious to even those living in the most remote parts of the world that the Swedish Vägverket (Road & Safety) could easily match any propaganda machine of any time or date.

In September, the brand new Beverly Hills show kicked off with an oral sex scene that, as subtly as an overweight elephant on LSD, told everyone that the new version of the show would suck as much as the old one did.

October seemed to make a claim for most moron filled month of the year, starting off with Hugh Hefner dating a couple of twins who shared a single braincell among them, Sarah Palin being her usual redneck self, the tv-show "Careers on ice" (or perhaps they called it "Stars on ice", I can't seem to remember) and the London olympics featuring Lisa Simpson performing fellatio.

The eleventh month of the year, November brought with it Michael Jackson converting to Islam. Either way you look at it, these days he's really just a pale version of his old self.

Finally, December came along, as usual the black sheep of the year, deciding to show up last while all the other months were long since tired of waiting. Hell, January had almost been here a whole year. Anyway, it was worth the wait as December brought the most bizarre story of the year: Adolf Hitler couldn't get his birthday cake. You would think that's because the "genocidal fuckhead", as Eddie Izzard aptly put it, is long dead, but this was the story of a couple of rednecks naming their children Adolf Hitler, Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. Certain names bring with them certain assumptions - you think, for example, children named "Jeeves" are destined to become butlers - and I'm assuming this trio won't really make it to the White house unless that's what they actually call their trailer park home.

There we are, the year in ten paragraphs. Before we end, there still are the TCO awards to hand out though.

The "Putting the fun in dysfunctional" award of the year goes to: Amy Winehouse.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed on TV at all" award of the year goes to: Carolina Gynning.

The "What the fuck have I done to be allowed to even speak" award of the year goes to: Linda Rosing.

That's it. Now sod off and have a great news years, everyone!

/JP

Huh? Who's there?

2008-12-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

Former Playboy bunny and professional skank Kendra Wilkinson recently left Hugh Hefner and the mansion to go find herself someone else's blood to suck (feel free to substitute "blood" for any other word you might see fit).

Now Hefner is saying he doesn't recognize her anymore, which probably makes for the least surprising headline since "Winehouse goes to rehab".

The man's close to 500 years old. Of course he's fucking senile.

/JP

Christmas greetings

2008-12-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

Well, seeing how it's Christmas..

From TCO to all of you:

Ho, ho, fucking ho.

Merry bloody Christmas everyone.

Let's hope you don't get the gift that keeps on giving - Chlamydia. Don't fuck Santa Claus. He's been to every other household in the world. Someone is bound to have had it.

/JP

Sluts in the city redux

2008-12-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

TV3 is currently running ads for the start of the creator of "Sex and the city"'s new show "Lipstick jungle".

Apparently, it's about three loose women in New York who battle one night stands, careers and shopping every fucking episode.

So, basically it's exactly the same as Sex and the city only without the horse.

Innovative.

/JP

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

2008-12-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently an American quiz show.

Americans smarter than fifth graders?

I'm willing to bet the answer will be "No".

/JP

Holy crap, Batman!

2008-12-19T00:33:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, a new Batman movie is in the works. Obviously, the first one featured Liam Neeson as the villain. The second movie, The Dark Knight, featured an epic - there's no other word for it - portrait of the Joker by the late Heath Ledger.

So you would expect them to go for the best of the best when finding the next Batman villain. An amazing actor, a thespian of seldom seen quality.

Apparently not.

Eddie Murphy will be playing the Riddler.

"Yeah, answer me this, motherfucker. Is that woman a transvestite prostitute and will she be looking for a ride home?"

It's as if they've reasoned that after Ledger's sad death, the Batman movies will only get worse anyway, so fuck it.

/JP

Ho ho fucking ho

2008-12-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

Fadde Darwich, probably most famous for being dumped by Linda Rosing (how's that for a claim to fame?), is making himself available as Santa Claus at your house.

Looking for a perfect gift? How about messing up your children for life?

I can see it before me now.

Fadde, in broken English: "Ho, ho, ho! Are there any children here?"
Children: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
Fadde: "No, no, I'm Santa Claus. Have you eaten your shish kebab this year?"

/JP

A disgrace to the human race

2008-12-18T02:52:00.000-08:00

And now for a story that almost sounds too funny to be true, but it is.

Adolf Hitler won't be getting a birthday cake.

Yes, this is the story about a child who's been named Adolf Hitler Campbell. His parents wanted to get him a birthday cake with his name on it but, hold on to whatever you've got, the bakery refused. Apparently, this wasn't the first time the family had issues with cakes, Adolf's sisters are called Joycelynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. I am not making this up.

The parents can't understand how a name could possibly be considered offensive. In related news, the couple's next child will be called "Child Molestor Jr".

They also claim the swastikas that can be seen on the family's house's walls, pillows, fridges, on their jackets and their car all are "symbols of peace and balance" which is sort of like saying Joseph Fritzl is the symbol of core family values. Taking all things into the equation, I'm estimating the combined IQ of the household to be somewhere around that of a seagull. It's as if the wheel is spinning, but the hamster is long since dead.

If there ever was a need for a bit of chlorine in the gene pool, surely this would be it.

/JP

Cold case

2008-12-18T02:50:00.000-08:00

Celine Dion apparently has an embryo in her freezer.

Or "womb" as women from Earth would call it.

/JP

Love actually

2008-12-17T01:08:00.000-08:00

A recent study made by the Heriot Watt University of Edinburgh claims romantic movies eventually will destroy your relationships. Apparently, they make you believe in fate and that someone other than a victim of kidnapping will say "you had me at hello".

There are a few flaws in the theory, however.

First off, the study was made in Scotland. Not exactly the world center of romance. For one, they call their females "lassies" which is, honestly, just another way of calling them female dogs.

Secondly, I haven't really seen any studies that show that if you want to save your relationship, Rambo is the way to go. There's nothing that truly says "I love you" like blowing up Vietnamese gerilla in any number of ways, is there?

/JP

Do you make your choices or do your choices make you?

2008-12-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

According to sociologist Jan Trost more and more women are "choosing" to be with younger men. He goes on to examplify three cases in point: Helena Seger, Mariah Carey and Demi Moore.

To be honest, that's like choosing the Fritzl family to prove the point that a lot of families prefer to stay at home.

Helena Seger "chose" Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Before she started dating the multi-millionaire football superstar, she was known for exactly jack shit. I'm willing to bet she wouldn't have cared if he was older than her as long as she got all the stuff she's been given now. I mean, she's a football player's wife. The hardest thing in her life is trying to avoid hyperextending her elbow while lifting heavy shopping bags.

Mariah Carey is claiming to have the body of a 12-year old and, truth be told, her mental prowess doesn't really reach beyond prepubescence either. In other words, it's not so much a story of an older woman "choosing" a younger man as it is a story of possible borderline pedophilia on the guy's part.

Finally Demi Moore. Now, granted, she's a very, very, very old woman. However, she's so desperate to look younger she has, and I'm not making this up, even had her knees surgically enhanced. Of course she's going to "choose" a younger man. I wouldn't be surprised if I learned that she bathes in the blood of fifteen underage virgins each week.

/JP

A beautiful truth

2008-12-14T04:05:00.001-08:00

I was listening to radio today, and it seems to me radio commercials haven't really gotten better. Radio ads truly are, without a doubt, the bastard child of marketing. One ad in particular stood out amongst the rubble though: It's time to make nominations for Öhrlings-PriceWaterhouseCoopers' and Driftig.nu's award for business woman of the year. It's called the "Beautiful Business Award". Now, can someone please tell me why the fuck it always has to be related to beauty when it comes to women's awards? Why not just call it the "Business Award"? Calling it the "Beautiful Business Award" to me just screams of "yeah, she's gotten amazing results, 40% revenue increases and an additional 60% profit increase, but man, just look at her knockers!".

Apparently, it has to do with Driftig.nu's founders, but considering this is their expert

I'm guessing the proverbial elevator doesn't really reach the top floor. Just add a tad more makeup and she'll be the spitting image of Pennywise.

/JP

Thai rack

2008-12-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

The holidays are coming up and a friend of mine is heading to Thailand. Unlike so many others though, she's not going there to buy sex, she's going to visit her relatives. Well, I guess either way she'll end up in a brothel.

I'm joking, of course. But prostitution in Thailand is a real problem, as are the various venereal diseases that the prostitutes carry. They call it Bankok, because if you go there, chances are good your penis will explode.

To me, having sex with a prostitute seems a bit like bungy-jumping. If the rubber breaks, you're dead.

It's not always good to be a positive person, you know.

/JP

Strike three, you're out

2008-12-14T00:55:00.000-08:00

Russian Ksenija Suchinova, 21, was recently named Miss World.

Anyone else thinking she's called miss because every single guy in there tried to hit it?

/JP

L is for the way you look at me

2008-12-14T00:35:00.000-08:00

I was recently skimming through an Elle magazine at the barber's and came across a girl who posed nude.

The barber was livid.

No, but seriously, I guess she was told it would be artistic and whatnot, but the fact remains: Sometimes the only difference between pubic hairs and public hairs is an "l".

Wait for it.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the veal.

/JP

Another crack at Winehouse

2008-12-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

According to recent articles, Brit Johnny Blagrove thought he'd make a bit of money on the side by selling videos of celebrities doing drugs to magazines willing to pay good money for them, i.e. The Sun.

The plan backfired when the police instead put him away for two years for drug dealing.

Admittedly, it wasn't the best of plans from the start. Considering Winehouse did enough drugs to support a medium sized third world country, selling videos that not only reveal her but you the drug dealer as well for an additional £40,000 - surely pocket change by comparison - is like David Beckham going "No, I haven't got enough money, I'll just sell my right foot on E-bay to make ends meet".

One of the images show Winehouse apparently doing crack:

It got Blagrove in jail and Amy a new range of cosmetics and fashion products. All of a sudden, asking for Junkie XL doesn't necessarily mean you want a record.

It also begs the question how fucked up you have to be to go into a store, buy clothes that make you look like above and consider it an upgrade? It's like Monthy Python's Four Yorkshiremen sketch for crying out loud. The woman looks like she was sodomized by the Ugly stick and once the stick was done, he smoked a cigarette while he called over his friends, Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick. Then Borderline disfigured stick and Jesus WTF is that stick double penetrated her while Ugly stick taped it and sold it to The Sun.

For £40,000, obviously.

/JP

Hit me like, baby, like one more time

2008-12-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

So, the better half of TCO has just seen "Britney Spears: For the record".

A suitable title, considering the documentary, if you want to call that scripted piece of elephant feces that, was designed for one purpose and one purpose only: To sell her new record.

If there is one thing people should take away from the piece, the "interviewer" asks, what would it be?

"That I'm just like them", Britney replies.

Uhm, no. Last time I checked, I was sane.

She also says that she'll write a book one day. A serious one, she adds.

Yeah, I can see it before me already:

"It was, like, you know, the best of times, it was like the worst of, eh, times; it was the like age of, uh, what's that big word again.. ..wizards?"

/JP

A veritable who's who

2008-11-30T08:14:00.001-08:00

Aftonbladet is today announcing the return of blogger Karolina Lassbo.

I think I speak for most, if not all, of us when I say: Who?

I've just looked at her blog and from what I can tell, her only interesting feature is that she, despite being only 28, looks like she's 48.

Considering that both Rosing and Gynning are getting their own shows, aren't you getting the feeling the media is trying to generate not interest but rather downright markets?

It seems we, as a modern society, have moved on from post modernism to just post quality.

/JP

Growing pains

2008-11-26T01:40:00.000-08:00

Ah, it seems TCO has its followers. Surprisingly though, perhaps not who you would expect.

After yesterdays pieces about Carolina "I wish I had a brain" Gynning and "Will do anything, and I do mean anything, to be in the public eye" Jordan, Gynning is today stating on her blog that she "loves" Jordan.

Gynning writes that "Jordan is awesome, really fucking awesome. When I grow up, I want to be just like her". An excellent example for the young girls of today, no doubt.

Well, dear. I'm sure you're well on your way. For starters, you both seem to share a single brain cell and have histories of affairs with fugly men. All you need to do now is put even bigger implants in, fuck anything that moves, record some sextapes and have them "stolen" and then as a final coup de grace give up everything and anything even remotely connected to class and elegance.

I'm sure that if you really put your mind to it, you'll be able to pull it off. Gotta get dirty if you're digging for gold, right? Gynning is probably thinking that the cheaper you are, the bigger the market.

Anyone else thinks there should be a tax on stupidity?

/JP

She's not foaling anyone

2008-11-25T05:02:00.000-08:00

According to Sarah Jessica Parker, her character on "Sex & the city", the story about four sluts in New York, will not be having a baby in the upcoming sequel.

TCO has, however, managed to procure a photo of what the baby would have looked like:

/JP

You're done

2008-11-25T04:40:00.000-08:00

British glamour queen Jordan (and I use the term glamour quite wrongly seeing as she's probably one of the least glamorous people I can think of) is once again telling the world, whether we like it or not, about her sexlife with husband Peter Andre.

Jordan has truly become the very definition of "attention whore", because not only is she constantly seeking attention..

Anyway, apparently the husband wants her to wear big underwear, granny style. I'm guessing it's because her vagina is the size of Grand Canyon and, let's face it, a piece of string won't cover up that gorge.

She goes on to say that the panties come off quite quickly anyway, which can't come as a surprise to, well, anyone. Jordan doesn't really give you the impression of being a three date kind of woman.

"Alright, here's your bus ticket and there's your change back.. Ah, for fuck's sake. Put those back on. There are children around. They'll get lost in there. Four disappeared only last week."

The couple recently came back from a holiday, but there won't be any paparazzi pictures of Jordan in a bikini. The reason? "Because I sunbathe nude". That's showing 'em.

/JP

The apocalypse is near

2008-11-25T04:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is official. Earth is going to hell in a handbasket. Humanity as we know it has stepped beyond the fail safe point.

Carolina Gynning is once again getting her own show, this time on TV4. As usual, the entertainment industry is much too quick to forget recent history. Her old show "Inside the head of Carolina Gynning" (TCO comment found here) on TV5 was a complete train wreck, resulting in her being kicked off the air faster than you can say "bimbo", much to the pleasure and relief of the civilized world.

Sadly though, as stated above, she has been given yet another fucking show. Gynning wrote about it in her blog, saying "Good Lord, I've just had a meeting with TV4 and you'll die when you get to hear what they offered me". A true statement, seeing how a lot of people will probably feel like shooting their faces off once they hear the news.

God help us all.

/JP

I'm sorry, Mrs Jackson

2008-11-21T09:05:00.001-08:00

According to an article today, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam, changing his name to Mikaeel in the process.

I'm thinking the main selling point was the 17 virgins that supposedly await the male muslims once they enter the kingdom of heaven or whatever they call it. "17 unspoiled children? Sounds like paradise to me."

Is it just me, or is he these days just a pale version of his old self?

/JP

Blown away

2008-11-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

Ryan Air's president Michael O'Leary has come up with the following slogan for Ryan Air's first class flights:

"Beds and blowjobs".

Yes, you read that correctly.

According to Ryan Air, a blowjob is a symbol for luxury. I'm guessing they took that from the "Whore's guide to marketing". Personally, whenever I feel like treating myself to a bit of luxury, sucking a cock isn't the first thing that comes to mind. Go figure.

O'Leary says that he "can't think of any better way of spending a five hour flight". Five hours? Either the girl is crap at giving blowjobs or you've got some sort of issue down there, mate.

For the flight stewardesses, I'm guessing the new slogan is "Beds and breakfast".

Ryan Air has stated that actual fellatio won't be performed, but that the slogan stands for a level of service that's beyond what Ryan Air previously has provided. Sounds like a step up from the usual butt-fucking Ryan Air gives its customers, I suppose.

Either way, the flights will still suck.

/JP

X rated

2008-11-15T01:24:00.000-08:00

In a recent episode of 8 out of 10 cats, one of the guests was a judge from British TV show X-Factor.

Looking at the proverbial car crashes that are the careers of the show's previous winners, it must be one of the most aptly named shows in television.

You were once a factor, but no more. You are officially an ex factor.

/JP

IPRED

2008-11-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

Time for a non comical piece once more. If you're not interested, normal service will be resumed shortly.

The Swedish government is currently discussing a law that would, basically, allow private companies to gain access to IP-adresses. The thought being that this would prevent illegal downloading. Now, I am all for intellectual property rights, but I must say I feel this isn't the best way to protect them.

First and foremost, it is very easy for someone with a bit of savoir faire to mask IP-adresses. The consequences thereof are that, to a large extent, chances are the new law will do nothing but essentially bring down Betty Teenager who downloads a few tunes a month for her cellphone rather than those who actually illegaly download on a broad scale.

Secondly, how does the government intend to deal with burden of proof? How are you to prove that the owner of the IP-adress, or the owner of the computer itself for that matter, is actually the one doing the illegal downloading? A strict responsibility for your IP-adress? That could quite well mean opening a veritable Pandora's Box of internet piracy.

Finally, examples from other countries show that, in essence, the law has done little more than legalize blackmailing. Is that really the right way to go? I seriously doubt it.

No, I think all parties, be it consumers or the music industry itself, need to think harder. This, I fear, will not be a viable solution.

/JP

Can you get me a quote on that, please

2008-11-06T05:28:00.001-08:00

I just recently came across a site devoted to Linda Rosing. TCO would rather stick its eyes with a blunt spoon than go that far, but here are a few gems from the page.

First off, she had a brief political "career", although I'm sure it might have had to do with her not quite understanding that a political party didn't involve free drinks. Anyway, her party was devoted to removing the fake beauty ideals that women these days follow. She said she wanted to remove the shallow, superficial and fake. Nothing funny in that, but taking into account that the woman looks like this..

..it's a lot funnier.

She has also stated that her breasts are real. "Real silicone. My friends use implants. So yeah, they are real."

Another great quote of hers is: "I like thinking. I think it's fun."

I would honestly not be surprised if Ralph Wiggum was based on her.

Some might say she's not the sharpest tool in the box, but I'm starting to think she's not even as sharp as the box itself.

/JP

And the story continues

2008-11-06T02:04:00.000-08:00

In order to give Amy Winehouse a run for her money, Linda Rosing is once again making her way into the world of TCO.

Today, she's talking about how jelaous she is of Carolina Gynning.

Apparently, the reason being that "in every picture, she's as beautiful as dung". I can see how that's a step up for Rosing, who just looks like plain old shit.

She goes on to tell the world that she actually had to write in to Slitz Magazine (think Playboy without the false sense of glamour and occasional well written article) and talk them into letting her pose nude. That must surely be a new low for women everywhere.

Her friends apparently use her because she's famous (and she obviously uses the term famous quite wrongly), but look on the bright side, Linda, after that quote I'm sure there won't be any of them left.

Finally, she reveals that the best job she's ever had was as a cleaning lady. The pay was good (better than nothing seeing how it was the only job she could get), she got to work with her body (I'm guessing working on all fours wasn't new to her) and be independent (could you clean this crap up, please?).

/JP

Clink think

2008-11-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

Convicted rapist and murderer Anders Eklund is soon to arrive at prison. Apparently, the other inmates have been told to "stay away from him or get out".

For someone being locked up in jail, surely that has to be an incentive more than a threat?

/JP

Amy Winegum

2008-11-02T04:17:00.000-08:00

After what TCO conidered a borderline hostile takeover, Amy Winehouse has been notably absent from recent blogs. However, she's fresh out of rehab and back into TCO.

Apparently, she's now doing a lot better, now seemingly addicted to sugar and sweets rather than crack and heroine.

However, I'm not really so sure there's been much of a difference. For starters, she's now addicted to Coke. From what I can tell, the only difference is a capital C.

Her second favorite is wine gums - if only through name obviously an alcoholic's candy of choice.

So she's supposedly gone - and I wouldn't bet my house on her not getting back to rehab any second soon - from coke to Coke and wine to wine gums. Not exactly a quantum leap there.

Furthermore, how fucked up do you have to be to have gone to a candy, soda and sweet addiction and it's "for the better"?

Either way, I'm not sure Paul Gascoine agrees it's such a great thing.

/JP

What's up with OGC, part II

2008-10-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Another piece for my brother Niklas.

A while back I wrote about the OGC logo that wasn't, well, quite what they had hoped for, I'm guessing.

Now I'm thinking the same firm got the job of designing the official logo for the 2012 London Olympic Games.

Now I can't be the only one who thinks that looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob?

Speaking of which, who the hell thought of this one? Gary Glitter?

/JP

Headline Linda - back with a vengeance

2008-10-19T07:48:00.001-07:00

As I just recently wrote, Linda "The biggest joke in recent Swedish history" Rosing is about to have her own show, sort of. Anyway, details about the show and the deal she had to sign recently became public. In an interview with the woman who just recently said that Headline Linda would be no more. Heh.

First off, the contract. Yet again, these are all actual quotes. Nothing is added for comedic effect, although translations have obviously been made.

1. Linda cannot be in a relationship, nor claim to be in a relationship, with anyone outside the show.

2. Linda cannot date, have sexual relations or claim to do either with anyone outside the show.

So, let me guess this straight. They have to, through written contract, make her not sleep around or lie? Speaks volumes about her character, doesn't it?

Now back to the interview.

Linda states that "looks aren't important, but a sense of humor, self distance and independence all are". I don't know about you, but I find that hilarious coming from a person who has had plastic surgery, well, everywhere, is completely oblivious to the fact that she's a complete joke herself, has no self distance and is so dependent of others, she's actually getting a tv-show just to find someone to cling on to.

Linda continues: "He needs to be a good role model for my kids, someone to look up". Nothing like their mother, then. I guess she's hoping opposites do attract.

My favorite part though is the last bit of the interview, where the journalist (and I use that term quite loosely) asks her if she ever wants to be an average Jane, unknown to the masses to which Linda replies: "No, that's not my thing. I want to be where I am today. I like being famous and I have no regrets. It's my choice. If not, I wouldn't be where I am today, with a blog going well and all."

This is a woman who just a few months ago said she hated being in the public eye and never ever wanted to be Headline Linda again. The only reason she's where she's at today, which let's be frank is about one inch above the shit, is because someone was stupid enough to give her a tv-show. Unless you're Perez Hilton, a "blog going well" isn't exactly a yardstick for success.

Jebus.

/JP

Looking for a date

2008-10-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Waaaay back in April, I wrote a piece on Linda Rosing, calling her "the biggest joke in recent Swedish history". However, she told me and the rest of the world that "headline Linda" would be no more. No, she had gotten an education and was to become an air hostess.

Prepare for a shocker - she didn't find a job. Apparently, it's a huge surprise nobody wants to hire a bimbo who, basically, you wouldn't trust to sit correctly on a toilet seat.

So now it's back to headline Linda again, it seems. Oh, joy. Coming up: Who wants to date Linda Rosing?. Apparently, "Worst week" was taken.

Personally, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Will anyone? That remains to be seen. If anyone can be bothered to watch what quite possibly could be one of the most pathetic shows in some time, that is.

/JP

Twinings

2008-10-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

The soap opera at the Playboy mansion continues in a tempo, quite frankly, TCO has some problems keeping up with. The latest news: Hef has decided to start dating a couple of 19-year old twins.

First off, the fact that he's "decided to start dating" them further leads you believe he's not so much a magazine owner as a pimp. Either that or those girls are even cheaper than anyone thought possible (if true an amazing feat, it must be said).

A sign the girls don't seem to have all their tools in the box is what you can read on their respective MySpace pages (and yes, these are the actual quotes). Says twin 1, Karissa Shannon:

"Obstacles r put into your life to see if wut u want is worth fighting for!!!".

I'm sorry, I forgot my retarded-AOL-teen to English at home.

Twin 2, Kristina Shannon instead quotes, well, just about every marriage site online:

"Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demands. Accept me how I am. A love like that will be ETERNAL!"

Yeah, it'll be eternal until Hef dies, which should be any second now.

The funniest part in all this? You've got an 80+ male dating 20-something females, and the guy decides the girls are too old.

If there ever was a term such as insignificant other, this'd be the time to use it.

/JP